Should I buy them a holiday?

[Cheesencrumpets]

My son is 19, nearly 20. In uni full time. Has looked for a part time job, but no luck at the moment.

I did save for my son to go to uni, gave him in the region of about £8000, but he spent a lot on a gaming PC, a MacBook Pro, a PS5 and some other bits. He has about £2000 left. I’ve also sent him money for shopping and clothes etc, at least once a fortnight.

He’s taken out maximum loan. We don’t get any financial help because my husband and I earn too much. Not great, but too much to qualify. I don’t want him to take out the max, but he did regardless and no doubt will do going forward.

DS is now worrying about a holiday in 2025. He hasn’t asked directly, but we took him on two holidays in 2024. He has mentioned wanting to spend his last £2000 that I saved for him, on a holiday. He knows I don’t want him to do this. I was already so cross about his other purchases, but as soon as that money was transferred there was nothing I could do. So I think he’s waiting for us to offer to take him. But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to. I feel angry that I saved, which meant I struggled, only for him to blow it on tech, which wasn’t what it was intended for.

I’ve told him that he needs to learn to be more financially responsible. That he needs to prioritise and if he wants luxuries then he needs to try harder to find a job. Otherwise, he needs to keep his money for uni trips (New York in 2026) and other necessities.

At the same time I know it’s hard. Few places are hiring, I’ve looked myself for him, and I feel guilty about having a few holidays booked for myself this coming year, but not helping him have something to look forward to.

Should I be helping him to have a holiday? Is that still part of my role as parent when he will soon turn 20. I left home at 18 and never asked my parents for a penny again. Not that I think he should do this, times have changed, but still. I’m so conflicted.

Handing a teenager money isn't setting them up to win unless you've taught them how to use it. Did you teach him budgeting? Did you discuss him getting a job and balancing his own cash when he moved out?
If the answers no and you just handed him this money expecting him to deal with it responsibly then you need to take some accountability. You sit him down and you start now. You tell him he needs a job if he wants to do things like go on holidays. He needs too make a budget and you can help him do this.

No

Do you know you have done so much as a parent when I was 17 I was kicked out of house. I don’t talk to my parents now. I’m 44 but the fact is if I’d had parents like you that were happy to give money happy to help, then it would be so much better. You are now on the borderline of spoiling your son. A holiday is a luxury. It is not a requirement and some of us have never had that couldn’t afford to anyway, but if you have to get a holiday, the dude needs to get a job there are plenty of work in shops.

Wow, I thought we were enabling our DSs by paying for their accommodation and taking them clothes shopping or out for meals. We also paid for them to come on holiday with us this year (last one).

I think it was a huge mistake handing a large sum over to someone that age. They are just not mature enough to realise the value of it, or how long it will last. They have no clue about money, most of them, when they've had everything provided for them. You need to turn off the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Don't feel guilty about it. Ask yourself if YOU would have done the same to generous gifts of money from your own parents at that age. I bet not.

Pay no more...

I wouldn't pay for my 19 year old to go on holiday on their own/with friends/a partner, I would expect them to fund that themselves. But I will probably invite my dd to join our family holiday and pay for her if she wants to because I cherish the time spent together.

Ask him to take a job if he needs money for a holiday. An evening/holiday/weekend job would teach him a bit (a lot) about money.

Nope, I wouldn't pay for his holiday. Not if his pissing away his money. I would if I knew he was trying his best, but he clearly isn't.

Tbh I wouldn't have just handed over 8k to an 18 year old starting uni, that was your first mistake.

I'd have bought his the laptop out of it, and held the rest back to prop him up when required...but too late to worry about that now.

In answer to the original question - I'd take him if we were planning to go anyway, on a villa holiday for example where it wouldn't make much difference to the cost (but he'd have to bring spending money if planning to drink etc) but I wouldn't be booking something specifically to suit him.

Do you feel he is genuinely trying hard to find a job? Has he signed up to temping agencies, events agencies etc?

When he reminds you that he is an adult and can do what he wants with his money you can agree and say yes he's an adult and needs to stand on his own two feet!
I sympathise though op as we want to do the best for our kids and it's easy to fall into these ways and it's hard to pull back and stop helping them.

I would take a more positive stance. We paid our DS’s gym membership in his first year £350.00 (on top of 8k Halls as he gets minimum maintenance loan to live on England). We helped him with his budget and said next year you need to save x amount every week to pay for this gym membership yourself. He did save this amount and because we were proud of him for budgeting we decided to pay his gym membership again in his second year. Again we have said he needs to save for his third year Gym membership out of his budget. We may pay again depends on our financial commitments next September.

If I could afford it I would pay for a holiday if he proved he had been able to budget better.

If you want the best for him stop giving him money and let him learn about the real world. You're doing him no favours. Worrying about a holiday, indeed. What an embarrassment.

Life is most definitely not hard for him and, quite frankly, it's not that hard for 18 year olds generally. He's just blown £6,000 on useless tech and he's got loving parents and a stable home to fall back on should anything go wrong in his life. Life gets a bloody sight harder as the years roll by for most people. I wish I was 18 again even though I was paying rent on a bedsit, working full time and with no parents to help out.

No. Once I was at university, I stopped going on holidays until I could afford to pay for them myself. There is no need to indulge him, OP.

I would take him on holiday with the family but not pay for a mates trip.

But...

I do think you need to have a conversation about money. He obviously doesn't have a clue and going forward will be completely unprepared for independence and budgeting. Long term you need to step back.

So he's got a £12,000 loan and you've given him £8,000 extra up front. In one year. Tax free. And he's pissed it up the wall. And you're still thinking about whether to give him yet more money.

If he's got an income of £1000 a month I'm staggered you are giving him anything tbh. You're just encouraging him to be financially wreckless.

The only holiday I took while studying was a £12.50 Sun holiday , worked term time and all summer holidays full time in factories - you’re doing him no favours by letting him guilt you into paying for a holiday. He needs to be setting himself up as a good candidate for post graduate roles and being able to demonstrate a good work ethic is a part of that

OP he needs to learn the value of money. Sounds like he has a great amount of student loan plus a further 2000 left from what you saved for him. If he can't budget then he can't go on holiday.

As others have said he has to get a job. Retail, hospitality there are plenty of jobs available. Ours at uni have always worked and managed to attend the handful of contact hours plus complete private study sessions just fine. I've no idea why some uni students think they're still at school and don't need to earn aswell as study.

You need to motivate him, tell him to get a job save for a hol and you'll contribute to spending money.

You are doing the right thing by not contributing, but the hardest thing now is holding the line without waiver. As the summer gets closer, you may feel the urge to crack.

We do no favours to our kids by making life too comfortable. Too many times I have seen kids underperform because life is handed to them. No incentive to work. They choose mediocre lives, sometimes very poor ones, and expect to survive on parental handouts. They burn through inheritances and create nothing for themselves. Nothing of value. Some parents strive to provide the best academic education, but give a poor domestic and lifestyle one. They unwittingly set their kids up to fail.

I’m furious on your behalf OP. What a waste of all that money - it’s verging on being disrespectful to have used it so frivolously.

When I was at the university, my parents were willing to pay for me joining their holiday, but my own holidays were my responsibility.

You can decide to be tough, or you can offer holidays with you on the understanding that the rest of the money is for the school trip.
Result can be similar, but with better future relationships.

Also why give 8k upfront and not divide it over 3yrs and then divide again over the semesters. Giving anyone without any budget sense a lump sum would seem a recipe for disaster.

Many students don't go on holidays! Date i day uour son is massively spoilt verging on entitled!!

Absolutely this. So many young people go to Uni without considering graduate outcomes & salaries.

https://luminate.prospects.ac.uk/what-do-graduates-do?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAACvhXCpg6e9h2BHBvY2V8wZiqOXrd&gclid=Cj0KCQiAvbm7BhC5ARIsAFjwNHuuavufHdq8YPU4uKNa5gT8YEbKI4lcvOEhF-NVTuIzY9mc8Cwg78EaAhjgEALw_wcB

I work in HE careers services.

OP - share & discuss with your DS the need to get a PT job whilst studying - he will be as good as unemployable without some work experience - anything! Bar, warehouse, retail etc. he needs to learn a work ethic.

sounds like you are a very kind & loving mum but time for some tough love x