Do you regret moving in retirement?

[Gangangoose]

DH and I are both retired, mid 60s. We have 3 children, one lives in a city around 30 mins away and two live a 1.5 hour drive away (different places).

We live in the fairly big four bed we raised our family in in a friendly but quiet village. We get on well with our neighbours and have local friends, although our closest friends are a drive away. We are very reliant on our car. The nearest high street with a cafe, a few shops and a doctors etc is an hours walk away and the nearest station and supermarket is at least 20 minutes in the car.

DH is keen to try something new in retirement and he and DC1 (who lives in the city half an hour away) both think we should move to this city. We’d be able to swap our house for a 2/3 bed terrace and could walk to our grandchildren, as well as to a supermarket, leisure centre, cinema, cafes etc. We could also walk to a station with a good connection to London which would be very useful for visiting DCs 2 and 3.

I can see the value in moving somewhere with more to do and where we are not reliant on our cars. I can find where we live a bit boring and cliquey. However, it is also where we raised our children. We know so many people here and have such a safety net. I love our house and would be very sad to see it go.

Has anyone else made a similar decision? Did you regret it or was it worthwhile?

This is such a difficult one. I personally wouldn't move solely to be nearer adult children or grandchildren. They're at a very different stage in life and could easily move (even if it doesn't seem at all likely at the moment) or get divorced (which would change the whole dynamic) or a whole host of other scenarios. Life can be very strange. However, being reliant on a car to access shopping and essential services is not a foolproof plan as we age. I'm 67 now and no longer drive in the dark for example but fortunately I live near enough to everything and am on several excellent bus routes. You also need to consider one of you being left alone (widowed). Would the huge house, garden and no public transport be a millstone under those circumstances? As for making friends in a new city - well, it's not easy to break into a social circle when you're older. Even young professionals struggle to make connections these days. I suppose it depends on how social you currently are. There's a lot to unpack and these are some of the obvious pros and cons.

I see that there are some pro's to staying, but honestly the way you've laid it out feels like a no-brainer to me to move to the city. It's not like you'll never see your friends in the village ever again. You can still visit them, but that community will change over time anyway, people will move away. Sure there's the risk with new neighbours but you can mitigate that as much as possible. It's not a reason to stay put with all the downsides versus the new opportunities that moving brings.

I. Guessing that would be the least of OPs worries

My parents moved in their mid 60s from the family home we were brought up in to a fairly large ground floor flat. In their case it was within the same suburb, but they are now closer to the station and local shops.

At the time I thought they were mad. Now 10 years on I am so grateful they had the foresight they did. While thankfully both are still in good health, both are less confident drivers than they were, particularly at night and in bad weather. My dad is physically less able to do what he used to. So the fact they now live so close to amenities, can live a full day to day life without a car if they so choose, and live in a low maintenance property all on one level, has given them huge freedom to enjoy their retirement. They have both commented that long-term they would be happy to continue living in the flat alone, whereas neither would have wanted to do that in the old family home.

They found the actual move mid 60s ok overall. They would find it much much harder today. My MIL is a similar age and still in a large family home, on her own. She is essentially trapped there - incapable of moving (even the thought stresses her) but maintaining and 'managing' the house dominates are life (she is not managing at all).

Late 60s. Been hoping to move for a couple of years, but we're just too darn fussy - can't find something that ticks all the boxes, and can't agree on compromises. Very aware of needing access to services in the future. Our ideal location is closer to 1 DC and DGC but we'd like it even if they move away.

I lived in a large four bedroom house alone after the children moved out. When I retired, I did a massive clear out and bought a bungalow in an area I didn't know particularly well. It has been a really good move. I can walk to Aldi, Tesco is five minutes drive away. I'm close to a library, shops, post office and health centre. I'm three minutes away from bus routes and fairly near a train station. My neighbours are generally nice and friendly. My dd Dsil and grandsons are close too. My bungalow is big enough for me to manage and I've future proofed the garden too. I would go for it

@ginasevern thanks for the very thought out reply. I have thought this re DC1. The city is good for London though where are other two DC are very likely to remain based. It’s also a place we like in its own right, but certainly a big part of the draw would be DC1 and her family…

@GrumpyMuleFan we’d look to break even with house, moving costs and stamp duty. We definitely wouldn’t be releasing any money. We live in a very expensive area and would have to move hours away to release money from downsizing…

I’m glad so many have had such good experiences. It’s hard to think about moving away from a life we’ve spent so long building.

Not retired but we moved a few years ago from somewhere with 3 buses a day to a town with all amenities within walking distance and it makes life so much easier. I would move, especially as you are still young enough to make new friends, get to know neighbours etc..

I guess we were a bit ahead of the game, mainly due to seeing what our parents didn't do in retirement. My mum moved hundreds of miles, didn't make efforts to integrate. My d inlaws stayed in the family house and had an impoverished retirement.
We moved at 50, to a small town which has pubs, restaurants etc within a 10 min walk. Ditto doctors and dentists.
We are on a train line which is 5 mins walk and can get to London in an hour, and the seaside in 10 mins.
My dsil moved to a city centre and loves it. Everything is on her doorstep and tbh if antyhing happens to dh, i would contemplate a move along those lines too.

I think the way to think of it is that your life that you have built will move with you - I was sad when my parents sold the family home but actually their new home felt like 'home' to me very quickly - because they were there. And their life grew further with the move - many of their new neighbours are downsizers like them and they have made many new friendships. And while the flat is smaller than the house, the actual rooms they use are bigger in the flat, it's just they don't have lots of unnecessary rooms.

My parents are in their 80s and looked at making this move 3 years ago. Like you op they live in a friendly village but there are absolutely no amenities:- no bus route, no shops, no pub. They are entirely car dependent.

The larger place they were planning to move to has their gp practice, dentist, supermarket, several pubs all walkable, plus a decent bus service to the city.

In the end they didn’t move, I think the upheaval felt too great at their age. I really worry about how stuck they will be when they can no longer drive.

We moved just after retirement and it hasn't worked out. I want to move again to be closer to our grandchildren but the thought of the enormous cost of stamp duty and legal fees etc makes me worried. We already have good transport links and close to doctor etc, but we feel very isolated as we haven't really made any friends and are so far from family.

The other problem is that we always host Xmas so need a big enough house to be able to do that, and have our children to stay during the year sometimes. So although I could do without the extra cleaning and heating etc, I think we need the space to do that. My parents moved to a flat when my youngest sibling was 18 and we never stayed with them afterwards because they didn't have space, so we went to the in laws instead. Consequently we were not a close family.

A bit the opposite. I'm 59, live in a ground floor 2 bed in inner North London. Haven't owned a car in 25 years. Everything I need is a short walk, and most of what I want a short bus ride. The only thing is I grew up near the sea, and would like to retire to the seaside. Doubt I will tho, life is far too pleasant and convenient here

A former colleague of mine is single and in her 70s now. Retiring in her early 60s she moved to rural Herefordshire for 5 years and kept animals. She's now in Cornwall in smaller place. So I see her as an example of brave and out there decisions that have worked but wouldn't for everyone.

My parents adapted where they lived as they got older. They didn't live far from us. Passing away in their 90s they managed to deal with my Mum going from partially sighted to blind and getting arthritic. My Mum got ill and spent 6 months in a nursing home, my Dad drove until she passed away and managed to stay living in the house passing away in hospital after a cancer assessment when he was 94. The buses were near house, neighbours great, nearby shops. My parents almost moved 30 miles away to live next door to my bro when they were 80. They changed their mind. It was very fortunate as bro pre deceased them. Also, they loved where they lived .

A friend is 67 and has been in a retirement flat since she was 60 and still working. It suits her and family, but I wouldn't want it and all the other residents are over 75, so far as I can gather.

@AmazingGraze i am so sorry to hear that. Are you in a town? Has it been more difficult to make friends than you expected?

@Gangangoose we are in the same spot. We won’t make any money in our move.

@Kitkat1523 i think it depends on where you live, but stamp duty can be a real issue for a lot of people - you have to find extra to pay it and with our property prices it’s a chunk. Then, you don’t like your move it for some reason, want to move again, it’s a barrier - financial and psychological. It also stops some from downsizing in the first place.

I think city life is perfect for retirement personally. Access to everything easily. Even better if your family are there.
I was actually working with a semi retired colleague the other day who spent his career running his own business in the countryside. He moved to the city with his wife when they retired and he now works part time doing work he loves. He was telling me all about their busy social life and various groups/organisations they're part of. He's loving city life.
As time goes on there is also the issue of access to healthcare if you're unlucky like my mum who sees various health professionals on a very regular basis.
You can head out to** the country for walks/drives when you want space. I do it all the time but live in a city.

Move while you are active and have the energy to make new friends.

My DM delayed moving until her mid-80's. She was widowed in her 60's and had an active social life/plenty of nearby friends. As time progressed, taking care of the house and large garden became more and more of a burden, and she morphed into the "taxi driver" for many of her friends. She was relieved to give up her car (her taxi bill was a lot cheaper). One by one her friends became ill/died. Then her neighbours fell by the wayside and/or sold up to young couples or families busy at work and not around to help out with minor things. She became quite lonely.

Moving was stressful, particularly as it had been the family home for nearly 50 years, but she did settle and make new friends. She wished she had moved sooner.

For others worried about hosting Christmas, why not rent a big house for Christmas week?

We were talking at one point about retiring to our holiday cottage in Scotland, but when the time came, we decided against it. Too small, for one thing. Plus we don't have the contacts that we have here.

So we have decided that we aren't moving from our family home of 30 plus years.
We are in a village we like, with a great pub, a dial up bus to one of three towns, all within ten miles.
We know loads of people, not just friends but also tradespeople and firms, where the bargains are and who to trust.
My coven base is less than five miles away, DH gets some shooting and we are part of the unofficial village barter system, where someone might provide a service or assistance of some kind and get a brace of pheasants or a dozen eggs or a jar of honey.
Whilst the house isn't exactly how I want it yet, the roof has been done, as have the shed roofs and we have a vast wood burning stove working alongside oil central heating, and a local supply of wood, so heating the house isn't yet bankrupting us.
The longed for downstairs bathroom is, hopefully on the way and work in the kitchen will be done in January.
We have room for extended family and other guests, a good kennel and run for our dogs.
I want to keep my thousands of books that line many of our walls, and my dolls houses (which take up a whole room)
We have a wide staircase, so we could get a stairlift if needed.
We have a small orchard and some raised beds on our bit of land, plus we are going to treat ourselves to a ride on mower.

To use the classic Mumsnet phrase, moving just wouldn't work for us.

We did it this year. It felt like a big decision but it's been great. No regrets!
We are late 50s, still working in our own business, and had lived in the same town for over 22 years. Brought up our children there and made good friends and enjoyed the semi-rural life in a big house in Surrey. But we haven't looked back (mild twinge about leaving the impressive house, but not as emotional as I thought I'd be).
We moved to a small village on the coast within walking distance of shops, GP, dentist, supermarket, beach etc. plus bus every 12 mins to bigger towns and cities along the coast. 10 min drive from mainline station. The car is not so vital as it was, and even my previously 'anti-bus' husband loves travelling on the bus. The house and garden are smaller and easier to look after and it's really peaceful and cosy.
The DCs (20 and 22) visit frequently: DS is actually living with us at the moment between jobs. He loves it here.
Definitely research the areas you might want to move to, and visit often to make sure you'll be happy. We are joining hobby groups, going to community events etc. to build up new friends and making efforts to keep in contact with old friends who will be visiting us in the spring/summer.
A big bonus is my mum came to stay with us and loved it so much she and my sister ended up buying a little house 5 min drive away, so I now have family here too.
A side story for context. We'd had an offer accepted on a previous house in the same village, but the elderly owners suddenly pulled out. They were in their 80s and I think they realised they were too old for all the upheaval.
It's exactly why we made the decision to move when we were still fit and able and 'young' enough to make a new life in a new place. HTH.

I saw my DGM really struggle with her big house, she was living downstairs in the end. Then she was too old to move. She lived fairly close to the city but she didn't want to join clubs or anything so she was very lonely.

I future proofed myself by moving into a bungalow and I'm making it and the back yard easy to manage (eventually). Where I am is the best of both worlds. It's a village with amenities but only a short drive to the city. I'm also getting rid of stuff because clutter makes me anxious and also I don't want to have to look after too much.

I’ve seen this happen so many times. I don’t know why but some people think that they’ll never decline, just go on as they are. It seems really hard to think ahead and plan for enfeeblement

It’s a hard decision. We will stay in the same village but at some point will need a bungalow we think. Was looking a couple of years ago but decided against it as people kept saying that stairs kept you fit. Hopefully we will decide to move at the optimum time , around 70 maybe. We are lucky as most things are available within the village but the bus service isn’t great.
If I was moving elsewhere I’d want to have some sort of connection with the place first unless I was a joiner in’er to clubs etc or active in a church for eg. Obviously being closer to family helps. I’d also maybe consider renting an Airbnb for a month or so as a trial run

Absolutely agree with pp who say best to make the move before you have to.
At your age, and if finances allow, you could try a 'tester' six months in a rental, measure twice cut once.