Dealing with performative grief

[Eastie77Returns]

‘D’F (my dad) has just passed away. To the outside world he was a kind, caring man of god.

To his family he was a violent, abusive bully. I have countless childhood memories of his screaming rages, smashing up the house and putting my mum and siblings in hospital. He once almost strangled my brother to death. Just one example of many. To this day I do not know how or why Social Services did not get involved and remove us.

We feel immense relief now that he has gone. However we (me and my siblings, DM has also passed away) are now dealing with people weeping, wailing and causing a huge scene both at the hospital and in our old family home where we are having to hold a wake lasting several days. It was bad enough at the hospital when people turned up with bibles and held an impromptu prayer meeting over his dead body (not to mention quite disrespectful to the other patients on the ward who had to put up with all the hollering) but having people hugging us and crying is tiresome to say the least.

Not sure why I am posting but wondered if anyone else has had to put up with a late relative being canonised in death even when they were deeply unpleasant in life and how you dealt with it? I am not going to speak ill of the dead so I just nod when people start to go on about him but it’s increasingly difficult.

Why do you have to hold a wake for several days?

Are you in Ireland?

I'm so sorry, Eastie, what a difficult situation. I remember your thread about funeral attire when your Mum died. This is because of their religious affiliations, then? I haven't had to contend with this but presumably this phase won't last too long and once the funeral is over you can try to put it behind you.

Wishing you and your siblings strength to keep nodding and smiling to all these clueless acquaintances. Would not blame you if you came out with some home truths but I suppose more scenes are the last thing you want now.

Family is West Indian. We have a tradition (I think similar to the Irish) where there is a wake for several days. Personally I wouldn’t bother but my aunt was determined to do it so here we are.

Thanks Gasp. Yes, DM passed last year and there was that whole drama over the funeral and attire.

We don’t want any more drama so I bite my lip and nod along when people go on about how wonderful DF was.

From what you've written there's no way I'd be at the funeral or abiding listening to any of your relatives crap about him. He put your mum and siblings in hospital and nearly killed your brother. Shocking.
I'd reccomend a great councillor you'll have a LOT to unpick and process x

Can you disappear to your room & pass on the message that you're overwhelmed with grief?

I have to help serve food and drink during the wake. There are streams of people arriving throughout the evening and my siblings cannot manage on their own.

I was going to recommend something similar to this- either for long stretches of time or if that doesn't seem possible, - for a few minutes, to give yourself a break from the relentlessness of it all.

You could preempt by saying all the preparations have been exhausting/given you a headache if that would help explain your absence to people who might otherwise cause difficulties.

And it might help prepare some phrases that feel honest to you and are also socially acceptable to respond if you're going to be repeatedly told how wonderful he is.

"He had a major impact on my life, and many others"

"This is certainly a massive change in our family"

That kind of thing

I'm so sorry for all you've gone though

I think daughters wishes trump sisters so if you're able to say enough now. Did she know what a bully her brother was?

The unpleasant truth is that different people will have had different relationships with your father. You knew him as a violent bully. For other people he was a different person. You’re under no obligation to pretend you experienced him as anything other than a blight on your life, though.

What people, dh siblings? Let them grieve because in a few days and it will all be over and forgotten. Don’t lie for df though, if asked a direct question then answer honestly.

Sorry, OP - this sounds hard. But what’s a few more days to a lifetime? Once it’s over, it’s really over! You can do it!

Thinking of you Eastie ❤️ such a tough situation and I’m sort with the life you have lived with your father who didn’t deserve you

I have no great advice, sorry, but just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. I hope you find peace ❤️

I'm finding it quite horrific that those supposedly at the centre of the grief, the deceased's children, are expected to play waitress/waiter to extended family for days.

Fuck that shit.

I'd physically absent myself, along with siblings who don't want to be there either.

I can't abide that "don't speak ill of the dead" bullshit. There's nothing wrong with the truth. You can be sympathetic to others grief whilst still holding your truth, that he was a tyrant who ruined your childhoods. It's not gossip it's a simple fact.

You need not worry about what these people think. They're never going to stop going on about how wonderful he was, so realistically you're never going to want to spend time with them any more. Get out of there and cut loose. Let them think what they like. If they're in your house go to a hotel if you can't get them all to leave and lock up.

They should be in your aunt's house since she wanted the wake.

People don't need you to serve food, if they're hungry they can make and plate up food themselves or go down the local shop for a packet of biscuits.

It's all quite ridiculous you're being put through this and all for people who you're almost certainly going to end up distanced from in the near future.

If all else fails I suggest you and you siblings take to your beds, lay there, don't speak, don't move other than to get up to use the toilet. People will probably feed you and fuss over you and call the doctor who'll diagnose depression or a grief reaction and may give you the odd sleeping pill. Most importantly doc will probably tell them all to leave and that you need peace. Job done.

Maybe all the siblings can have a celebration party once this farce is over.

I suppose you've just got to grin and bear it unless anyone speaks up .

Wishing you strength OP.

Is there a specific end date and time for the wake? Can you count down the days and hours until it is all over?

Oh no, this is appalling. Do you have to be there? If so, do you have to be involved? Can you hide behind a veil with earpods in? Or be so distraught you've taken to your bed?

No solution but solidarity. I wish you strength.

I really don't think it helps to carry on the charade. You've covered up the truth for years. There's absolutely no need to carry on now. I don't hold with this "you don't speak ill of the dead" business. Speaking ill of the dead is slagging them off where it's not warranted or telling an untruth about them which they can't defend. You would be doing neither.

Don't pretend any longer, OP. I would just be saying to people "no, I don't agree, sorry, there's a lot that went on that you just aren't aware of, I'm afraid" and be cool, calm and collected about the whole thing. Do your duties regarding the practical arrangements of the wake and funeral as if you were a professional funeral director. But why protect his reputation when he had none? None that was based on fact, anyway? You have no loyalty towards him. Not one bit after what he put you and your siblings through.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. Wishing you and your siblings peace going forward 💐

Yes she knew. They actually loathed each other. Unfortunately she loves being the centre of attention and is now playing the grieving sister.

Step back and tell yourself you need never go through it again. Get good therapy and enjoy your life without this abuser.

When my MIL passed two years ago, I had a similar issue, OP. She was an abusive bully towards me, who I loathed.

I felt relief when she passed. To manage & not look cold about all these people grieving, I disconnected myself mentally and took one occasion at a time. I mentally looked forward to a life without her in it, once it was all over.

It's bliss. I still have SIL to deal with, but she's got no back up now, so I mostly ignore her.

I'm glad I don't come from a wake-holding tradition! When my awful dad died, I found the grief hard to deal with due to the added complication of being delighted he was gone for good. The death of someone who was so monstrously central to your formative years is psychologically shocking, yet the more usual ways of living through grief don't apply. I'm virtually holding your hand across the internet for this!

While I only had to manage a few days of 'performing' during his funeral and after, perform is what I did. I was practical and cheerful. I took the view that everyone else was experiencing their feelings in their own ways; I couldn't change their minds and had no need to, so I stayed emotionally detached from their feelings & reminiscences, these were their business not mine.

I did a lot of "There, now" and "No, I don't remember that" type of meaningless observations, played host and drank a little too much - though I was careful not to get blasted or my patience would've given out 😬

It helps to remember that each person's relationship to an individual is different. Also that some of them will be bullshitting, but we have no duty to correct them! The one thing I wouldn't do is agree his death was "tragic" - he died in an accident and it's sad for him, but the most I allowed there was that it was a shock, yes. (I may have said in my head that it wasn't a moment too soon, though!)

You'll get through it