Dealing with performative grief

[Eastie77Returns]

‘D’F (my dad) has just passed away. To the outside world he was a kind, caring man of god.

To his family he was a violent, abusive bully. I have countless childhood memories of his screaming rages, smashing up the house and putting my mum and siblings in hospital. He once almost strangled my brother to death. Just one example of many. To this day I do not know how or why Social Services did not get involved and remove us.

We feel immense relief now that he has gone. However we (me and my siblings, DM has also passed away) are now dealing with people weeping, wailing and causing a huge scene both at the hospital and in our old family home where we are having to hold a wake lasting several days. It was bad enough at the hospital when people turned up with bibles and held an impromptu prayer meeting over his dead body (not to mention quite disrespectful to the other patients on the ward who had to put up with all the hollering) but having people hugging us and crying is tiresome to say the least.

Not sure why I am posting but wondered if anyone else has had to put up with a late relative being canonised in death even when they were deeply unpleasant in life and how you dealt with it? I am not going to speak ill of the dead so I just nod when people start to go on about him but it’s increasingly difficult.

I'm Irish and charging bereavedfamily members for food brought to the house for the wake would be unforgivable and a scandal.

If it's the same in your community make sure you let people know - it will help to make sure she has no sympathy at all when she kicks up about not being left anything in the will.

I know this is an awful time, but you'll get through it, and you and your siblings will likely cry with laughter in months to come when you talk about how awful your aunt was.

Even when a relationship with a parent is toxic it can be hard when they die, as it means they're never going to apologise for the harm they did you, even though they probably would never have apologised, so be kind to yourself and to your siblings. And do change the locks if your aunt has a spare key to your family home.

I'd need to return that receipt with £15 and a message to say she has got her decimal point wrong.

Grief does funny stuff to folk. In her distress she clearly forgot how to add.

After my nana died, my DF's sister and her deplorable daughters literally stripped the house of anything of value.

To the extent that before the funeral we gathered and there were no teaspoons.

DM made an unholy show of walking around offering sugar and a biro to stir with saying very loudly " I cannot imagine where Nanas silver teaspoons have gone.

I really have no words. I’m so sorry your DM had to endure that. I’m amazed she even made it to the crematorium but very glad she called out his vile behaviour publicly.

Sending you strength today. DF’s funeral isn’t until the end of the month and I’m dreading it. Don’t worry about derailing. It’s terrible to say this but it’s almost a small comfort to know I’m not the only one in this situation although I obviously wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Would you be willing to out him now? Just say no, this is the truth. Or would that mean you are ostrecised from family and friends? Maybe just disapear on holiday and tell your close family why and it is up to them to decide to do the same. I am not sure I could keep up the pretence anymore once I was free of a person like that

Best friend had alcoholic abusive piece of carp dad.
very similar for her family, mostly relief he was gone.
Family surprised so many strangers turned up at funeral & reception. One guy told story how her dad saved him from drowning aged 20. Many other stories of him being a decent good man, doing nice things for people. This was mixed feelings - nice to ok know he wasn’t 100% jerk, but question - why wasn’t he nice to us??

That's amazing! I hope your mum is living her best life now he's gone.

@Eastie77Returns - thank you x

the only way for me to cope today was to consciously ‘detach’ especially when lies were told during the service.

one cute ‘anecdote’ was told that I’d specifically asked to be omitted but was still included.it was intended to be an example of how religious and god-fearing my dad was. It was actually a (very thinly veiled) tale of child neglect. (Why ask me if it’s going to be told anyway!.)

But hey-ho, like many of us damaged by choices our dps made, I did a lot of my grieving and healing many years ago.

a pp nailed it - even if the family member in question would never have apologised, death means there will NEVER be an apology or even acknowledgment.

@Banyon oh I so relate to your friend on this.

She’s 90 (he snuffed it about 20 years ago) and although the trauma is still there she’s amazing
Proper feminist and supporter of women and girls and ace mum ♥️

She said that she actually wanted to see for herself that the old cunt was dead and gone so I think it was rather cathartic

I did find myself mourning the father I should have had and deserved as a small girl, not the vile bully he was x

Oh dear I should have listened to the advice earlier in the thread about changing the locks. I went to the house and discovered Aunt had let herself in earlier in the week. I found opened mail (stuff addressed to DF) and his huge flat screen TV from the front room had disappeared. Turns out she got her step son to remove it as “leaving it in the front room made the house a target for burglars”. So she was doing us a favour lol.

Dsis has returned home hundreds of miles away and DB is travelling for work so the house is empty (we do actually have timer lights on to hopefully deter burglars).

I mean if she’d asked for the TV we’d have just given it to her but still..! Needless to say the locksmith is coming early next week!

I love your mum!!! What a woman!!!

Auntie has some fucking cheek doesn’t she @Eastie77Returns. At least you aren’t bothered that she’s nicked it.

Omg nothing useful to add, just ❤️ to all on this thread.

I really can’t believe DF’s funeral isn’t until next week and this has dragged out for almost two months. It’s actually insane. I have Muslim and Jewish friends who I know bury their dead within 1-2 days. I’m dreading the entire day. The service will be held in the church he presided over as a minister and will go on for ages as so many people will insist on speaking, singing and leading prayers.

The solicitor dealing with his estate told us to to forward our dear aunt’s invoice as she can deduct it for the inheritance tax calculations. Every cloud lol. Aunt is still badgering us to send her some last minute money so she can fly over some random cousins from DF’s home country😂

Fuck yes. Evil stepmother.

Major funeral, everyone doing tributes. Vom.
I manage to feel sorry for her. So that helps..

The funeral was as longwinded as expected (almost 2 hour church service followed by a long graveside burial service) but I got through the day fine. A cousin arrived with a load of booze in the boot of his car so we had drinks and a nice catch up with a few other cousins we hadn't seen for a while after the 'official' reception. DF's church congregation looked on disapprovingly as they left😅

The family house is now up for sale. I went today to meet with the Estate Agent and continue clearing out the rooms with my brother. Afterwards I went for a walk around the area. I didn't visit much once I left home aged 18, the trauma of growing up in that house was so great I didn't even want to be in the neighbourhood in case I bumped into my dad. I walked to the library opposite the house that I used to go to almost every day when I was young. I went there because it felt safe and I wasn't safe at home due to my dad's violence. I remembered the kind librarian who would keep a book behind the desk that he thought I'd like. I remembered the day after one of my dad's violent attacks when he smashed our front door in. I crept out of the house and spent the whole day in the library. The librarian, who was able to see our smashed in from door from the library building, gave me a Jammy Dodger even though food was strictly forbidden. I actually started crying today. Because no child should grow up feeling as unsafe as I did.

Sending massive squishes.

Oh OP ☹️.

Seconding the massive squishes.

So sorry, Eastie, What a great person that librarian was.

Oh Eastie 🥲
How could you be bothered going to your nasty father’s funeral.
You’re a better person than me.
i think I would have shouted from the rooftops about his nastiness.
I’m Irish and I hate the hypocrisy of the “Don’t speak ill of the dead” tradition which is very much an Irish thing.
If they were sh*ts in life don’t glorify them just because they’re dead.

I’m sorry Eastie! Thank goodness for kind librarians. I’m afraid you’ll weep a few more tears yet, as you mourn the childhood you should have had, and the father you deserved to have but didn’t.

Keep a pack of jammy dodgers in the cupboard to comfort your poor inner child.

And plan a celebration in a year’s time- and antidote to the crap nine nights and funeral you had to endure!

OP console yourself with this. If the God he professed to believe in does exist, your F will have gone to hell. God sees everything, even behind closed doors.