Dealing with performative grief

[Eastie77Returns]

‘D’F (my dad) has just passed away. To the outside world he was a kind, caring man of god.

To his family he was a violent, abusive bully. I have countless childhood memories of his screaming rages, smashing up the house and putting my mum and siblings in hospital. He once almost strangled my brother to death. Just one example of many. To this day I do not know how or why Social Services did not get involved and remove us.

We feel immense relief now that he has gone. However we (me and my siblings, DM has also passed away) are now dealing with people weeping, wailing and causing a huge scene both at the hospital and in our old family home where we are having to hold a wake lasting several days. It was bad enough at the hospital when people turned up with bibles and held an impromptu prayer meeting over his dead body (not to mention quite disrespectful to the other patients on the ward who had to put up with all the hollering) but having people hugging us and crying is tiresome to say the least.

Not sure why I am posting but wondered if anyone else has had to put up with a late relative being canonised in death even when they were deeply unpleasant in life and how you dealt with it? I am not going to speak ill of the dead so I just nod when people start to go on about him but it’s increasingly difficult.

I’m glad, at least, that you’ll be free of this soon @Eastie77Returns

I have a similar, albeit much more detached, experience. FIL died earlier this year and he was an abuser and a bully who ruled over MIL and DH with fear and rage (he had another son who left home for uni and remained as far away as possible ever since). I had hoped that MIL would find a new lease of life with him gone, but despite their ten year age gap, he died far too late for her to enjoy his absence. She’s far too set in her ways and now lives miserably in the grim, dilapidated house FIL refused to spend money on.

Can’t deny I found the sudden about-turn in the narrative about FIL being a decent husband and father, deep down, very easy to swallow. He wasn’t.

A friend of MIL’s was bold enough to say to her “I don’t understand, you complained bitterly about him for the last 30 years” only for another family member to loudly say “outsiders won’t understand” (they are Indian, the friend/myself are not) so I guess I have to accept the culture is very different, as @Spinosaurusonacake has said. In many cultures, abusive fathers are par for the course but you are expected to forget all that when they’re dead.

A close family member of mine died a couple of years ago. Being with them as they were dying was difficult to watch and also my experience of grief. However what I hadn't expected was the reaction from other people and a strange expectation on how I 'should' be grieving and what I 'should' be doing. I think I quite naively expected that grief would be quite a lonely experience, which it is, but I hadn't accounted for the bizarre performance that would ensue from others. Just take care OP, do what you need to do, 'just nod and wave' and move on. I also could not wax lyrical about this family member who was as flawed as any of us, and what I did say felt true to me. That was about the best I could do. My husband 'got it' and he was a support through it all.

@Eastie77Returns
You're a much better person than I.
I would be gone. Can't take that kind of s*it. I'd have left the aunt to it.
Mind you, you'll have the last laugh when the will is read.

DF died a very wealthy man and according to the will we have just found he has left his sister nothing. Everything just split between his children. She will be splitting blood so we are going to delay telling her until after the funeral..!

Change the locks before telling her, else she'll get a key off someone and strip the place of anything of value and could cause damage in the process. Then tell neighbours the house now belongs to you children and you all have a key so not to be helping anyone else break in "because they're accidentally locked out".

Be prepared to block this aunt, and any other troublesome relatives, on all platforms and tell estate agents etc not to discuss anything about the sale with anyone other than you children. Probably best not to have a board outside advertising the property, better if the sale gets as far along as possible without these troublesome types knowing about it. You don't need them trying to cause havoc because they think they're owed.

Very similar to the situation with DM. She endured years of abuse at the hands of DF but had he died before her she would have joined in the singing of his praises. She frequently told us he was a good man. Even after he hospitalised her with a broken jaw and smashed the house up.

Many of her church friends who outlived their awful husbands rewrote history and told everyone what wonderful men they men. It is definitely bound up in a cultural expectation that marriage to an abusive man is just one of those things and you cannot speak ill of him when he dies.

That's all you can do, Eastie. It won't last much longer, you'll soon be free of it - and you will truly be free! Celebrate that and move on in confidence.

Some people have very fixed ideas around what grief should look like. I’ve been told by one relative that I’m experiencing ‘delayed shock’ because I’m not crying over DF.

We won’t be mentioning anything about selling because she will definitely cause a fuss. She has already been talking about the house being an ideal place to have relatives from abroad stay. DF had 11 siblings and goodness knows how many nieces and nephews. The siblings who moved to the U.K. in the 1960s like DF have done ok but the ones who stayed in his home country live quite impoverished lives. This was a huge source of tension amongst the siblings for decades.

Aunt always told us none of them would shed a tear when DF died because when he went home on holiday he never brought them enough gifts or money. This has now changed and she tells us they all are distraught, were screaming down the phone full of grief etc and do we think we can help pay for some of them to come over for the funeral🙄

Sorry, missed this. Yes he was a pastor. Led a church with a very large congregation. I haven’t stepped foot in a church for decades (apart from funerals and weddings) because I’m honestly still a bit traumatised from the childhood spent in one every Sunday.

Hope you have had a good rest @Eastie77Returns after having to go through all the shenanigans with your aunt and others. It takes a toll.

Eastie, please hang on to your inheritance and do not be pressurised into handing any of it over. Your Aunt will be hovering....I would get that house key off her pronto too.

Sorry to hear this @Eastie77Returns, I remember you from the property board a couple of years ago.

I recognise the cultural expectations, although I'm not familiar with the detailed intricacies of the Nine Night and rituals around it. During this time when you're feeling emotionally conflicted, the least worst option is probably just to go through the motions, and bite your tongue.

We had a situation when my cousin (who was in his 40's) died. His Ex Stepmum was wailing and throwing herself on the floor in grief and shouting to anyone nearby what a good person he was before and after the funeral...meanwhile we all knew that she had kicked him out of his Dad's house (they were married then) as a teen, and caused him to sofa surf for many years because he wasn't her son and she said he was useless! We all just ignored her theatrics, it would have been too draining to do anything else.

I'd avoid being around your aunt as much as possible, she sounds like a complete and utter nightmare. Try and get through this period by focussing on the fact it will all be over soon. Even writing about it here is probably giving you something of an outlet, and emotional release.

Wishing you and your family a restful Christmas and New Year, and a brighter 2025.

I think some people don't understand the extent of cultural influences. I think you need to be there and suck it up for a few more hours. I sounds horrific OP I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I just think if you back out it will cause more waves than it's worth, and possibly fragment relationships that you will need in your future. It would be a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Maybe take frequent breaks to regulate yourself. People are allowed grieve however they see fit, I don't think you need to lie though. If people are gushing about what a great man he is you can just say its not been your experience and try and leave the conversation. I think when people say these things they are trying to comfort you and it is well meaning. Try if you can to feel the love in the room towards you and find strength in this. I'm really sorry OP, its almost over and you will be free of him.

Hey @Starseeking , ah thanks - I remember you from the property thread as well! I hope you managed to move in the end as I remember you went through several issues with a buyer pulling out of the process etc.

Nine Night is really draining at the best of times and in these particular circumstances, when neither myself nor my siblings were mourning or remotely sad that DF had died, it was very trying indeed. Thankfully it is all over now although we still haven't had the funeral (that's a whole 'nother story!) and it will be a huge religious affair so another day to endure but at least it's just one more day.

Aunt has surpassed even our lowest expectations of her by producing an invoice for food she allegedly provided during the wake😅

From memory, she bought a bag of a dozen rolls and a home made mixture in a small tupperware dish to make fritters. She has given us a handwritten receipt (the kind feom receipt books you can buy online) written by and to herself for £150 for “assortment of food and snacks for [DF name] wake”

Lol.

Who is she invoicing, though? You? Your father’s estate? For whom does she imagine she did this ‘service’?

You’ve just reminded me that a fight over payment for some sandwiches after DH’s grandfather’s funeral led to a five-year stand-off between MIL and two of her brothers.

Has bereft aunt found out yet that she has been left nothing in the will ?

Reply to Aunt with "shall we just consider this Bill settled by the clothes of DFs that you helped yourself to"

Nailed it! My word, she's the very epitome of a CF, isn't she?

@Eastie77Returns
Your updated thread came to my attention this morning as I am travelling to the funeral
of my (abusive) late parent. I won’t post lots and detail your thread other than to say I hope you as ok as you can be.
…obviously that little word ‘abusive’ in brackets is in place of a million words.

Give her an invoice for the food and drink she had, and also for providing her with somewhere to stay.

Can you and your siblings treat all the nonsense, including the funeral, as a celebration of the fact that you are free of your father?

When my abusive father died his side of the family came crawling round

They wept and said what a wonderful man he was even though they knew he was battering my mum for years. When DM was pregnant with me he said he’d make a concession of not hitting her abdomen but kicked her in the back down the stairs

At the crematorium there was a collection and they made a great show of stuffing notes in the plate

DM stood up after the service and thanked them for this and said that their money was going to the local Women’s Aid shelter to help women and children who were victims of men like my father

Wish I could’ve taken a photo of their fucking faces

DM sang Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead on the way out

After the funeral we went to a local Greek restaurant and she smashed plates and sang to Dancing Queen and it was all part of the healing process

Sending you lots of love

Love it @CaptainAwkward 👏🏻

The invoice was addressed to the three of us. She is under the demented impression that the rolls and Tupperware dish constitutes an actual service it seems. Unfortunately Dsis felt pressured into paying🙄

Yeah she found out. She didn’t say anything at the time and left the house in silence (but we are expecting to hear more about it later..). A few days later she approached Dsis and wondered if she could have some money from us to pay for relatives to fly over for the funera. Nope.