Page 2 | Dealing with performative grief

Eastie77Returns · 2024-12-08T19:37:13+00:00

‘D’F (my dad) has just passed away. To the outside world he was a kind, caring man of god. To his family he was a violent, abusive bully. I have countless childhood memories of his screaming rages, smashing up the house and putting my mum and siblings in hospital. He once almost strangled my brother to death. Just one example of many. To this day I do not know how or why Social Services did not get involved and remove us. We feel immense relief now that he has gone. However we (me and my siblings, DM has also passed away) are now dealing with people weeping, wailing and causing a huge scene both at the hospital and in our old family home where we are having to hold a wake lasting several days. It was bad enough at the hospital when people turned up with bibles and held an impromptu prayer meeting over his dead body (not to mention quite disrespectful to the other patients on the ward who had to put up with all the hollering) but having people hugging us and crying is tiresome to say the least. Not sure why I am posting but wondered if anyone else has had to put up with a late relative being canonised in death even when they were deeply unpleasant in life and how you dealt with it? I am not going to speak ill of the dead so I just nod when people start to go on about him but it’s increasingly difficult.

Hillrunning · 08/12/2024 21:41

Leave your aunt to it. Chat to your siblings and all agree that you won't be serving mourners any longer. Use the line, 'His children need peace at this time' on repeat if anyone tries to guilt you.

Friendofdennis · 08/12/2024 21:44

Was your father a pastor or a deacon by any chance ? It must be very galling that people are saying these wonderful things about him when you know otherwise. I’m really sorry. I am glad that your siblings also know the truth

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/12/2024 21:47

@Eastie77Returns can I just say that you and your siblings are next of kin! not auntie. not uncle. what you want to do about is wake is up to you. one day for the funeral and wake is suffucient no matter what culture you are from especially if he was cruel to you all! what you say goes so lock up the house and go home till the funeral!

Wilfrida1 · 08/12/2024 21:47

Could you perhaps feign Covid and steer well clear?

sprigatito · 08/12/2024 21:48

I'm afraid I would have to absent myself OP, the wailing and gnashing of teeth would be too much to stomach. You don't owe your father, your aunt or anyone else any more of your time and energy. I understand not wanting to blow the whole thing up during the wake (my family are Irish so I partially get it) then can you come down with a case of the galloping shits? Anything to get you out of there.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 08/12/2024 21:48

thewrongsister · 08/12/2024 21:09

I'm finding it quite horrific that those supposedly at the centre of the grief, the deceased's children, are expected to play waitress/waiter to extended family for days.

Fuck that shit.

I'd physically absent myself, along with siblings who don't want to be there either.

I can't abide that "don't speak ill of the dead" bullshit. There's nothing wrong with the truth. You can be sympathetic to others grief whilst still holding your truth, that he was a tyrant who ruined your childhoods. It's not gossip it's a simple fact.

You need not worry about what these people think. They're never going to stop going on about how wonderful he was, so realistically you're never going to want to spend time with them any more. Get out of there and cut loose. Let them think what they like. If they're in your house go to a hotel if you can't get them all to leave and lock up.

They should be in your aunt's house since she wanted the wake.

People don't need you to serve food, if they're hungry they can make and plate up food themselves or go down the local shop for a packet of biscuits.

It's all quite ridiculous you're being put through this and all for people who you're almost certainly going to end up distanced from in the near future.

If all else fails I suggest you and you siblings take to your beds, lay there, don't speak, don't move other than to get up to use the toilet. People will probably feed you and fuss over you and call the doctor who'll diagnose depression or a grief reaction and may give you the odd sleeping pill. Most importantly doc will probably tell them all to leave and that you need peace. Job done.

Thankfully I do not live in DF’s house so can retreat each evening to my own place. Also I have young DC so have an excuse to leave. My siblings live hundreds of miles away and so are staying in the house with my wailing aunt so they are baring the brunt of this.

Unfortunately we can’t get out of serving up food/drink. We should probably be beyond caring but it really would be unheard of for the ‘mourners’ to get their own food etc.

Not your intention I’m sure but your last paragraph re. laying in bed and getting the doctor out really made me giggle. I’ll suggest this to my siblings!

OP posts:

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 08/12/2024 22:07

Garlicwest · 08/12/2024 21:33

I'm glad I don't come from a wake-holding tradition! When my awful dad died, I found the grief hard to deal with due to the added complication of being delighted he was gone for good. The death of someone who was so monstrously central to your formative years is psychologically shocking, yet the more usual ways of living through grief don't apply. I'm virtually holding your hand across the internet for this!

While I only had to manage a few days of 'performing' during his funeral and after, perform is what I did. I was practical and cheerful. I took the view that everyone else was experiencing their feelings in their own ways; I couldn't change their minds and had no need to, so I stayed emotionally detached from their feelings & reminiscences, these were their business not mine.

I did a lot of "There, now" and "No, I don't remember that" type of meaningless observations, played host and drank a little too much - though I was careful not to get blasted or my patience would've given out 😬

It helps to remember that each person's relationship to an individual is different. Also that some of them will be bullshitting, but we have no duty to correct them! The one thing I wouldn't do is agree his death was "tragic" - he died in an accident and it's sad for him, but the most I allowed there was that it was a shock, yes. (I may have said in my head that it wasn't a moment too soon, though!)

You'll get through it

Sorry you also had an awful DF.

I’ve been pretty practical and breezy and have also had to make “there, there”soothing noises towards some of the mourners. I repeat a few stock phrases (he’s at rest now type thing) but I will not and cannot utter a single line about him being a good person, kind soul etc.

OP posts:

IdylicDay · 08/12/2024 22:09

Just don't go. Don't do it. Sometimes cultural tradition need to be stopped or at least discarded at that point. What's the worst that can happen? People (some you'll never deal with or see again) will think badly of you? So what?! Don't go. You have a choice. If I were you I wouldn't go at all, I'd stay away and would not attend the funeral. Please don't make out like you don't have a choice. You do. Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks of you.

To thine own self be true.

CountFucula · 08/12/2024 22:12

What a shame you and your kids have a nasty gastric bug the day of the funeral 😬

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 08/12/2024 22:38

I can't speak for Eastie, obviously, but in this very difficult and complicated situation I wonder if she and her siblings are going through with the expected rituals partly because to do otherwise would cause a huge fuss that they don't have the energy and strength for and partly to feel that they are supporting each other and being the bigger people. Their father abused them and (I assume) died without making any attempt to apologise and put things right. Their aunt loathed him but is now behaving like the principal mourner. Meanwhile the siblings have nothing to reproach themselves for and are not going to descend to the level of their hypocritical elders. They also get to spend time together which I expect is rare given how far apart they live.

The other thing about following tradition is that you don't have to make decisions about what to do instead. There's a lot to be said for saving energy at these emotionally draining times.

Spinosaurusonacake · 08/12/2024 22:49

I’m sorry lovely, that’s pants.

is the excessive grief a bit of a cultural thing? (I mean no offence at all I only ask because my late FIL was an abusive deadbeat he passed away recently and he too has now been lifted the level of sainthood, and several female members of the family (Pakistani) has been theatrical in their grief, and do it almost on cue). I asked him about it because it’s very intense and he told me it’s cultural.

my husband too has found it really difficult because a there’s the utter theatrics but the general talk of how amazing he was when in actuality he was incredibly cruel and selfish. It almost belittles the pain he caused. It’s a weird loss, because on the one hand there’s this person that caused pain, but then it’s this grief of an everything that this father figure never was.

Cakewineorgin · 08/12/2024 22:54

Sending big unmumsnetty hugs. My maternal grandmother was at best a bully to me and at worst an abuser to my mother, including repeatedly insisting my mother attended the home of her sexual abuser, despite knowing this was taking place. To this day I’m not sure how I managed to stay at her funeral. My tears of ‘grief’ were actually tears of fury as I had to listen to the lies of how she was an amazing mother and grandmother. My only advice is to know the truth and recognise that you will get through this.

RubyRedBow · 08/12/2024 23:00

Can you say you now wish to retreat and grieve in private as a way to give yourself a break.

2024onwardsandup · 08/12/2024 23:05

My father was violently abusive. I don’t have anything to do with him so a different situation. I get there are family and social pressures - but to be honest I think that I would say to people when they said that actually he was violent and almost killed js several times.

the older I get the less tolerant I am of not calling out abuse.

but that is easier said than done and I get it may upset your siblings etc.

but everything is not forgiven and forgotten just because someone died

RogueFemale · 08/12/2024 23:06

I would just fuck right off and leave everyone else to get on with it - if they want to grieve, let them, but you don't have to enable them.

I say this as the daughter of a nasty man, who only bothered to hide it from friends, not family. I didn't go to his funeral, felt nothing about him dying.

Renamed · 09/12/2024 00:01

I’m so sorry you’re going through this awful time. I’m wondering if it would help to slightly alter your stock phrases for those who knew - betting there are some - eg “his time of torment on this earth is over” , “his spirit is where it belongs now” etc

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 09/12/2024 09:04

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 08/12/2024 22:38

I can't speak for Eastie, obviously, but in this very difficult and complicated situation I wonder if she and her siblings are going through with the expected rituals partly because to do otherwise would cause a huge fuss that they don't have the energy and strength for and partly to feel that they are supporting each other and being the bigger people. Their father abused them and (I assume) died without making any attempt to apologise and put things right. Their aunt loathed him but is now behaving like the principal mourner. Meanwhile the siblings have nothing to reproach themselves for and are not going to descend to the level of their hypocritical elders. They also get to spend time together which I expect is rare given how far apart they live.

The other thing about following tradition is that you don't have to make decisions about what to do instead. There's a lot to be said for saving energy at these emotionally draining times.

Yes think this sums it up.

Honestly, I understand the advice to just tell people to leave and lock up the house. However the fallout from doing that is such that it just seems easier to go along with the charade for a few days.

We have some cousins who arrive today and will take over meeting and greeting at the wake etc so I know longer have to be there. My sister has thankfully decamped to a Travelodge!

OP posts:

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 09/12/2024 09:11

Spinosaurusonacake · 08/12/2024 22:49

I’m sorry lovely, that’s pants.

is the excessive grief a bit of a cultural thing? (I mean no offence at all I only ask because my late FIL was an abusive deadbeat he passed away recently and he too has now been lifted the level of sainthood, and several female members of the family (Pakistani) has been theatrical in their grief, and do it almost on cue). I asked him about it because it’s very intense and he told me it’s cultural.

my husband too has found it really difficult because a there’s the utter theatrics but the general talk of how amazing he was when in actuality he was incredibly cruel and selfish. It almost belittles the pain he caused. It’s a weird loss, because on the one hand there’s this person that caused pain, but then it’s this grief of an everything that this father figure never was.

No offence taken! It's partly cultural and the religion thrown in. Definetly people performing on cue. Also lots of dramatic tales of 'signs' that they saw beforehand that foretold his passing.

I'm sorry your DH has been through similar. It's certainly true that when an awful parent dies there is a kind of grief for the parent they could have been but chose not to be.

OP posts:

deeahgwitch · 09/12/2024 17:35

IdylicDay · 08/12/2024 22:09

Just don't go. Don't do it. Sometimes cultural tradition need to be stopped or at least discarded at that point. What's the worst that can happen? People (some you'll never deal with or see again) will think badly of you? So what?! Don't go. You have a choice. If I were you I wouldn't go at all, I'd stay away and would not attend the funeral. Please don't make out like you don't have a choice. You do. Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks of you.

To thine own self be true.

Edited

This 💯

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 11/12/2024 08:06

Aunt is now in full on ridiculous mode, shouting that she wants an investigation into DF’s passing as he was healthy when he was admitted into hospital so “something isn’t right”. We explained that hospitals are not in the business of admitting healthy people🙄

She berated us for accepting the doctor’s explanations and the penny finally dropped when she started going on about suing the hospital and making a claim for compensation. The grieving sister act really hasn’t lasted long. She’s already been through DF’s wardrobe and taken out clothes for her husband. I’m not even that scandalised, it’s pretty standard behaviour from her.

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/12/2024 10:44

@Eastie77Returns why are you allowing her to wander about the family home which does not belong to her??? what she is doing is tantamount to theft! cheeky bint! god help you all if nothing is left for her in the will!!

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 11/12/2024 11:07

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/12/2024 10:44

@Eastie77Returns why are you allowing her to wander about the family home which does not belong to her??? what she is doing is tantamount to theft! cheeky bint! god help you all if nothing is left for her in the will!!

I don’t live in the family home and as I have DC, work etc. I’m just popping in and out / generally giving the place a wide berth. DB has been updating me. He thinks letting her take clothes etc will at least save us going to the charity shop.

DF died a very wealthy man and according to the will we have just found he has left his sister nothing. Everything just split between his children. She will be splitting blood so we are going to delay telling her until after the funeral..!

OP posts:

okydokethen · 11/12/2024 11:14

I think all you can do is know you are stuck doing this but in doing so you are hugely supporting your siblings and your aunt - who rightly or wrongly wanted this.

Take time out where possible, take deep breaths, find a mantra that's soothing to repeat to yourself, something like 'This is almost over, this performance doesn't need to go on'

When you are home, wrap yourself in a blanket, or take a bath or read or run or do whatever helps you feel you are taking care of yourself, sleep as much as you can.

Lean on those who love you and perhaps look into a talking therapy once some time has passed to explore your dreadful sounding childhood experiences.

Anewnamejustforthis · 11/12/2024 11:19

Ah @Eastie77Returns that's what helps you cope with your aunt's behaviour, just smile inwardly at the come-uppance she is about to get!

AnnaMagnani · 11/12/2024 11:29

If you mention it to the sister now, she might pack up the endless wake?

Sympathies to you. I had a friend who's father was a very big deal in the local church. She, her mum and siblings found it very difficult when he died as they were bombarded with church people who were devastated and thought he was some kind of saint. They had experienced him as an absent and cold parent/husband who was more interested in the congregation than them so didn't really want to see the grief of others.