Someone has died that I hated

[CheeseandMarmiteToastie]

Maybe hate is a bit strong but they made my life very difficult every day for years so I have mixed feelings. On the one hand such relief but on the other sadness for them (they weren’t old) and their family, and guilt for feeling relief.

You're allowed to feel what you're feeling. I'd expect it to feel a bit weird while you process things.

Congratulations?

😂

A couple of years ago the person who made my childhood hell died and whenever I remembered they are dead I smile. I don't feel guilty about that, why would I? They are no loss to humanity.

It's completely logical to feel sad for that person's family without feeling sad about that specific person. If that person harmed you in anyway then no need to pretend anything. It may be that you feel relief. All feelings are valid.

Many years ago in my teens a young lad beat me up in an alley. He died a few years later. I thought 'karma' and felt no sadness at all.

It's awkward. Uncomfortable. But you feel what you feel. You can do it with grace and self respect, but a complicated loss is awkward.

Perfectly natural reaction. You feel how you feel. Obviously don't crow/rub their loved ones faces in it and be polite if the situation arises but what else can you do?

My step mother died very young (40s) and while I didn't hate her, she made my life very difficult and was part (a small part) of the reason my dad and my relationship broke down and never recovered. My step brother was a young child at the time and it was very difficult and strange to be so cold to it all personally but simultaneously upset for him. I did have to act more upset then I was but I genuinely wasn't sad.

A family member, by marriage, died earlier this year. I disliked him and everything about him. He was a truly unpleasant individual.
But he suffered dreadfully with his health in the years before his death - as a result of his own life style choices.
So objectively I found myself quite torn by feeling natural compassion for any one suffering the effects of ill health and feeling natural sorrow for the death of a human being. But in all honesty I struggled to feel compassionate or sorrowful for him.
So I understand OP that its quite complex emotionally when someone you dislike dies.

A local business woman in my town died last year. She was a deeply unpleasant woman , spoke to people like crap, looked down her nose at people and just generally vile. She died alone in her business after closing up one evening and even though I deeply disliked her , I also felt pity that she died alone and wasn't found for a few days. I felt sorry for her family too . Its normal to feel a mix of emotions when someone unkind dies

You're allowed to feel a little relief that that person isn't going to bother you any more ever.

Complicated relationships often result in complex emotions after death. Acknowledge what you feel because it isn’t wrong. Often in these situations you suffer with the ‘what ifs’ about their behaviour and if it were different. That is futile because they were as they were and it didn’t change.

organisations for grief (including Cruse) might be helpful to talk this through.

Feeling relief at a death (for whatever reason) is totally normal, and so is the subsequent guilt at feeling relieved. What might hit you next is anger that they are making you feel guilty. Then you feel guilty for feeling angry... and so it goes on. Things will settle down in time, and everyone grieves in a different way, especially when the relationship was a difficult one.

Be kind to yourself.

In what way, I don't think I'd b glad an annoying person died. I guess it depends what you mean.

A lot of people are WAY worse than 'annoying' 🙄

Are they really? I wasn't aware.

I don’t want to go into detail but they impacted my life daily, possibly unintentionally but when I tried to raise it they wouldn’t co-operate. Annoying is the understatement of the year.

I don't understand why you'd be feeling sad or guilty. I'd be throwing a party.

Well how can we can comment, it's too opaque. Good for you that they died. Sucks for their family?

That's creepy.

Remember: you don't 'have' to feel sad because someone horrible died, so don't force yourself.

I always remember my Dad telling me about this horrible man at work who used to lie and steal from all his colleagues - even breaking into their lockers and taking their stuff.

When he had a early fatal heart attack, I asked my Dad how everyone was at work and he said "oh yeah! We're all delighted"

😂

It's ok to feel how you feel.

Dying doesn't make someone a good person.

Something a bit similar happened to me recently and I felt huge pressure and guilt to make contact with people to offer condolences. I didnt, but I was very concerned what other people were saying and thinking about me. Anyway I slowly forgot about it until I read your post. A death can be difficult even if the person had a negative impact on you.

@Jennyoi but other people have managed to respond helpfully. Thanks for your input 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mother's husband died and I felt no upset or guilt. He was a cruel man who brought his death upon himself (alcohol). I hated him too. You feel what you feel and that's ok. .

It's understandable. People can elicit complicated emotions in life so it's no different when they die.

I had an awful relationship with MIL. She was deeply unhappy and a VERY difficult woman. We cared for her during her final illness and it was a huge mental and physical strain. I was relieved when she died, but obviously felt sad for DH.

Yay! Congratulations 🎊