Someone has died that I hated

[CheeseandMarmiteToastie]

Maybe hate is a bit strong but they made my life very difficult every day for years so I have mixed feelings. On the one hand such relief but on the other sadness for them (they weren’t old) and their family, and guilt for feeling relief.

I’m going through this now OP.

I’ve very recently found out (through social media) that my ex husband has taken his own life. He was under 40.

He was verbally and then physically violent during our marriage. So I hated him. But his family were also in my life for over a decade, so I feel conflicted. I’ve thought about reaching out, but haven’t yet. Not sure if I will.

I’m not sure how to feel about it. Sadness for the circumstances but also relief? It’s complicated.

Death can bring up all sorts of unexpected feelings, even in a good relationship. When it’s the death of someone you hated, it can often be more complex and conflicting and you can end up feeling things you’d not imagined you would feel.

I would just go with whatever you do feel and accept that this might change further down the line. There is no right, wrong or weird way to feel here.

When my ex FIL died, I clearly remember leaving the hospital thinking the world was a better place without him in it. That was a very long time ago, and I still feel this way now. When my ex dies I really expect to feel the same way about him . I might not though. Until it happens we never really know how we will react.

I think that's a normal reaction. Death brings out a whole range of emotions, often conflicting.

I found out an awful boss of mine died and my brain came up with "ding dong the witch is dead" 😬

I really hope you have grown up to have a happy life, filled with love 💐

The tears refuse to flow

Similar story was bullied by a very older and old fashioned female teacher at primary school in the early 1980s. My life was a misery because of her. I found out she was mowed down by a car in her retirement not far from here. Oh well.....

Oh Well. How Sad. Never Mind.

@blueshoes thanks for that helpful contribution 🙄

Why do people imagine you can only feel one emotion at a time? Of course it’s mixed.

Love and fear, sadness and relief, anger and joy … we can hold more than one feeling at a time. You can have sympathy for their family, sadness at a premature death, and pleasure in the knowledge that you’ll never have to deal with them again, all at the same time. Just acknowledge the different emotions. You feel what you feel.

L’chayim! 🍻

It's fine to not mourn them and at the same time send a card to their family saying that you are sorry for their loss.
This isn't hypocritical

My sisters and I are planning to show up at the funeral of a vicious teacher who tormented us all at primary school in the late 70s and early 80s. And will not be there to mourn.

I'm a 70s kids and all too familiar with vile teachers especially the one who labelled me thick at 13 and told me I'd be nothing.result of that was I stopped trying.
I wouldn't go to the funeral of said teacher she's probably long dead.its not the fault of the family your former teacher was a bastard perhaps you should all give it a pass .

Literally everybody dies. Even nasty bastards. We roll our eyes at everything else they do, so I’d apply the same to them dying.

You reap what you sow. If you want people to be sad that you’ve croaked, don’t be a cunt.

My dh had cut of his father many years ago because of past issues. I found he had died. So he shed 1 tear and moved on. However he did feel bad for a second because that was him technically an orphan (at 41)

If my ex husband dies before me i don't know how ill take it. Bravado me says fuck him. But then we did do so much together. However I know no matter what I won't be going to his funeral.

On the way to my mother’s funeral, my lovely DH asked if there was anything he could do to make the day any easier for me. I asked if we could stop somewhere on the way and pick up some wooden stakes and holy water, and we both laughed so hard that people assumed I was crying when I arrived. (Tears, shaking shoulders, etc…) At the same time, I was genuinely grieving the loss of the mother I never had and comparing what I experienced with her and what I felt for my own kids and our lives together. I knew that she had seen our relationships and the genuine love, affection, connection and understanding and been utterly baffled by it - and also jealous. She missed out on that one entirely. Now my kids are affectionate, kind, wonderful young adults whose company I genuinely enjoy I am so grateful I left home early.

When I was 18 the girl who had bullied me all through secondary school was in a horrific car accident and is permanently disabled. In a wheel chair, incontinent, can't speak, fed through a tube.
She was driving. The passengers all died.

I have never ever spoken to her again, our previous interaction was always through her bullying me.

I still see her being wheeled around.

While I feel sad for her family, and for her, I'm never going to be kind to her. I still feel a massive amount of guilt, even though I know that's ridiculous. But I won't, I absolutely won't pretend to care. It would be a lie.

It's an awful feeling, but I think I'd feel worse if I was kind.

Karma isn't always the balm people think it should be.

Big hugs OP. I hope you feel better about it all soon.

My high-school bully was stabbed on their front door in a drugs related incident.
I feel warm and fuzzy when I think about it.
I see posts on fb from their best friend saying what an amazing person they were.....I just chuckle to myself and am thankful for their removal from the world.

Embrace what you feel and allow yourself the space to process.

Many years ago when I was working in a hotel a very drunk customer pulled me over the bar by my hair as he couldn't hear what I was saying due to loud music. I foolishly didn't call the police. I wish i had. The man was a local solicitor who died suddenly of meningitis two years later.. I wasn't sorry at all...

My father recently died. I feel nothing but relief. I have seen more of my mother in the last few weeks than I have in years. He was a vile man, bullied and abused her for decades, did the same to me until I went NC. Dying doesn't change who someone was.

People who are cunts in life are no less cunts because they have died.
And cunts are everywhere.
Thats That’s that.

Horrible people die too, and it’s normal to feel relief that you won’t have to face them again, and it’s ok to be pleased that you are now free of their clutches.

You on the other hand, have clearly never suffered at the hands of someone who has been quite happy to make your life an absolute misery so maybe have a little think.

I think it should be more generally accepted that it's OK to not be upset by the death of someone who was unkind to you in life. I don't mean that we should wish people dead, just that it should not be so taboo to be open about not grieving for someone.
I had a sibling who died in their 40s. For many years had been nasty to me, our parents, their partner and pretty much anyone foolish enough to spend time with them. When I made the decision to go NC with them to protect my children they made serious threats against me, my DC and other family members. My sibling's death was a huge relief for me, and although I felt sorry for other family members who were very upset I always felt that in the long run their lives would be better. Occasionally people ask about my sibling and seem shocked that I am not full of regret and guilt for not seeing them for years before they died. I have often been asked if I wish I'd done more to try to 'build bridges' before it was too late. My view is that I wish I had not been put in a position where I needed to protect my family, but I have no regrets about doing that and am relieved that I no longer have to worry about this particular threat. This seems to make people feel very uncomfortable.