Someone has died that I hated

[CheeseandMarmiteToastie]

Maybe hate is a bit strong but they made my life very difficult every day for years so I have mixed feelings. On the one hand such relief but on the other sadness for them (they weren’t old) and their family, and guilt for feeling relief.

I was chuffed to bits when our nasty, aggressive, abusive neighbour died recently. Couldn't take the smile off of my face for a couple of weeks!

I used to dread being at home and coming home after being away. It's like that stress and low-mood of his abusive presence and behaviour has lifted.

Enjoy it!

@Pipsquiggle no I’m considering leaving a card or flowers for the family, I’m genuinely sorry for their loss but don’t want to appear hypocritical.

Similar outcome to when my adoptive father passed - I didn’t openly celebrate, especially as mum was grieving, but I was very relieved and while I’ve had more complicated feelings since (he was an alcoholic and bipolar, so life was difficult for him, unfortunately it spilled out onto literally everyone else in his life), I never grieved and don’t miss him at all.
The only thing is, he died as the result of an accident in his retirement and I wouldn’t have wished that on him.

I have a neighbour who has been absolutely awful to us. When he dies, I won’t feel a bit of sorrow. He has caused so much trouble and is so mean. He has many health problems.

CheeseandMarmiteToastie

You are allowed to feel how you feel.
Don't feel guilty about it.

An ex of mine from a few years ago (very very complicated relationship and situation) died in a motorbike crash a couple of months ago. He had a habit of driving his motorbike recklessly for thrills and just a general feeling of nothing could touch him and a massive ego. I’m not sure I’ve really actually processed it, although I get horrible unwanted images of his last moments whenever anything reminds me of him. Maybe it’s weird to feel so ‘attached’ to him now when I would never usually think of him before this, but he was a huge part of my life for a period of time, I was young (so was he, only 2 years older) and it was f’ed up in all sorts of ways, he was a truly nasty boy, not just to me, yet I feel a huge sadness when I think of him and his death. It’s rather therapeutic to talk about it though and let myself remember everything in full as I’ve blocked it from my brain much of the time.

I had a teacher at school who humiliated me twice in front of the class. She died in a car crash, I was glad. Now I’m an adult I don’t care.

25yrs ago a person used my boyfriend (who I’d lived with for 7yrs) to buy her and her child things. He went out with her at school and obviously held a torch for her. We split up because of her. She didn’t want him, just for him to buy her things. A few years ago she got drunk, had a row with her husband and walked on to the train line. She was decapitated by the midnight express. They said it was an accident, not intentional. I wasn’t sorry for her but I was for her 16yr old son and her other kids

Did they know how you feel about the individual? I think weather they would think you a hypocrite depends on the answer.

And it's fine for you to feel how you feel. When I was at school a girl who had made life very difficult for me died, whilst I appreciated the wrongness of someone so young passing and felt genuine sorrow for her friendship group I can't claim I felt any sadness on my own behalf, nor any guilt about it. And if the role had been reversed I doubt she would have felt any differently towards me. We are multifaceted people, not robots.

Amen 🙏

If you in your words hated them in life. Why would you suddenly start loving them because they were unalive. We can’t say the D word can we.

Popping the champagne bottles doing cartwheels and hooting a horn may come across as a tad insensitive. However what you’re feeling is natural

It's an odd feeling isn't it.
FIL died some time ago now. DH had been totally NC with him for around 6 years after a huge fall out where FIL did and said some unforgivable things.
While I truly disliked the man and what he had done, and it was a relief in a way to know he had gone, I did feel grief for him. Also, a lot of pity. He didn't die an old man, and he died a lonely one. Complex.

I felt exactly the same about going to the funeral of my almost-hated dead relative.

We had a long relationship and for a part of that time it was nice. But the rest of it was horrendous and that person took away parts of my life that I’ll never get back, and left lasting trauma on my family.

But I felt bad for the immediate family and I also wanted to be there to support them, and I guess I also wanted closure. I deserved that after everything they had put me through.

I never knew it was possible to feel this way about someone, I never thought I’d be capable of hating someone but I did hate her for many years and lost all respect for her. Eventually I stopped hating her but I was left with chronic dislike and resentment.

It’s fairly recent and I find it hard to continue being sympathetic towards people who do genuinely miss her. Partly because they also suffered because of her and now they have a rosy-coloured rewrite of history of how wonderful she was. Many people who met her have said how lovely she was and how sad it is. Which only serves to make me angry. Angry that no one else knows what she was really like, angry that if anyone knew how I (legitimately) feel they’d think I was nasty, angry that she could be so nice to so many people but made my life a living hell.

Perhaps I’m in the ‘anger’ stage of bereavement. But I want to be validated and sometimes when I’m being told how lovely she was I want to just say actually she was dishonest, disingenuous, calculating, insincere, a liar, a hypocrite and for a period just pure evil.

Hope I didn’t derail your thread op but it was good to be able to say all that unspeakable stuff somewhere. Hope you get through this all ok.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I think we're at a point where society and social media has drilled it into us that irrespective of what we actually feel, we must be bloody feely and empathetic at all times, otherwise you are a terrible person and will be branded as such.

You shouldn't feel guilty about feeling relief, it's totally natural. If you want to send something to the family i'd go with just a simple card saying sorry for your loss, thinking of you in this difficult time - no need to refer to the person who died at all, or to say that he was a great guy who'll be missed by all.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. Someone I know had a small celebration when one of their neighbours died. (The street celebrated, not just one person). They had put up with awful behaviour for years.

I can't wait for the day ours goes, we've had 10 years of being bullied by this person and only recently have the police started to take action. Unfortunately they are extremely healthy and I'm aware their parents lived into their nineties. Also unfortunately, for various reasons we are not in a position to move.

However, our neighbour is so bitter and twisted towards everyone but mainly us, that I keep hoping for a major heart attack due to the stress on them of all that spite. Actually, a stroke would be better because then next door would be empty for as long as possible and we'd finally be left in peace.

When - if - we get the news of their demise or incapacitation, I shall open the special bottle of champagne I've been saving. There will be zero feelings of guilt or regret, I assure you. In fact, I can imagine our neighbourhood throwing a street party.

If someone is a fucker in life
Death doesn't elevate them into sainthood.
That person who made your life difficult is gone ..time for you to move on and don't give it a second thought.

Exactly this!
I was bullied in the workplace and it nearly destroyed me.
They left and I didn't see or even hear about them and then they died. I just suppose I felt nothing but did the right thing and let other people know.

Think of it as karma. Please don't waste your time buying flowers for someone you dont know. Buy flowers for yourself as a nice thing to do.

When I found out my childhood bully had died - the 'weight' I didn't know I had lifted.

If I think about it now (5 years after I found out) I still feel relief.

I have no guilt - I doubt her family knew who I was.. but she made my life hell.

I think except in extreme circumstances where the person was an abuser or murdered someone or something like that, this type of thing just doesn’t need to be said. Nobody expects anyone to grieve for someone they didn’t have a good relationship with or weren’t close to.
Some of these comments are messed up.

@Sadasad thanks for getting it, I’m sorry
@Illstartexercisingtomorrow not a derail at all, I hope you’re ok

This place can be so amazing for support/understanding sometimes ❤️

@Evilthecat I take your point but have you never felt something for someone you didn’t really know or wished for closure?

I’m not an emotional ‘showy’ sort or person but this struck a chord with me

Congratulations!

My ex fiancé's mother is the only person I've ever truly hated. If I heard that she'd died I'd be tempted to dance on her grave.