Someone has died that I hated

[CheeseandMarmiteToastie]

Maybe hate is a bit strong but they made my life very difficult every day for years so I have mixed feelings. On the one hand such relief but on the other sadness for them (they weren’t old) and their family, and guilt for feeling relief.

My mother is a narc,my father enables her and the rest of the family are shit scared they'll be me (the scapegoat) next so walk round on eggshells to avoid it

She's healthy enough at the moment,but one day she'll be dead

And I will not mourn her for a second-I've grieved for the mother I should have had,I'll never grieve for the woman she is

Call me a tough,hard and thoughtless bitch but I won't cry,visit her grave,tell stories about her or smile at her memory

I hope she goes straight to hell and stays there

I remember a teacher at my dcs school

If you blew smoke up her arse (adults and children alike),worshiped her and thought she was the most amazing woman ever,then she was a nice lady

If you didn't,she was Satan in a frock-i could see straight through her and so could my dc

She hated us-and was a nasty cow with limited power,and she used it against us

She died of breast cancer-i wouldn't have wished that on anyone,but if it had to be someone-im glad it was her

The kids where hauled into an assembly and where told about her dying,and to ask parents to donate to some crappy summerhouse in her memory 'so Mrs x can live on in our hearts'

My dc got into trouble for not crying and sobbing over her-i went mental at the school,grief is personal and not a stage show for others

We left the school that year and didn't donate a penny-why should we?I hated that bitch who tried to make my life hell and when she failed,started on my dc

Fuck her-i hope that when the day comes and my mother enters hell,this teacher is saving her a seat

Just because someone is dead does not mean their faults and their horrible personality died with them . There have been people I have disliked intensely who have died or have had misfortune and I don't care . They were horrible in life and were horrible in death . Their deaths were actually a kind of relief as oddly enough my feelings of dislike or hatred vanished to be replaced by indifference.

I have been treated very badly by some people and wouldn't give a toss if they kicked the bucket. In fact I would feel like I won! If that makes sense

When my ex died i felt free.
When he was alive it was like living with a shadow always being there.
Even though i was miles from him he would find some way to get at me.
When i got the news it was a relief i felt sad ish but more relief a weight lifted not just for me but others too.

I have never wished someone dead or been relieved or happy someone has died. That’s not to say I have never been bullied, abused or mistreated, but to me it would have to be very extreme circumstances to feel that way and definitely for me to feel the need to express it.
You hadn’t said much about the circumstances around your feelings but I respect that there is a reason you feel that way and it’s understandable to have mixed feelings sometimes when people pass away.
What prompted my comment was some of the responses rather than your op. Particularly the one where a pp said they weren’t sorry for a woman who had been decapitated by a train because she had cheated with her boyfriend years before and that they were glad their school teacher died in a car crash. I’ve read a few things on here that have shocked me over the years, but that was seriously messed up. That’s the kind of thing I think people should just keep to themselves, it doesn’t need to be said.

See I'm more annoyed karma doesn't seem to exist and in my life the lovely people seem to go through terrible times and the arse holes seem to sail through

Well it's an anonymous forum isn't it, a place where people CAN say those things that they're highly unlikely to say out loud

The holier than thou crowd are always around on threads like this…
Nobody else knows your history with this person. Nobody knows your experience or your feelings. This is your trauma and please don’t let keyboard vigilantes minimize them for you. Your perception of your experience is valid. You are valid.
Of course you are bound to feel conflicted when someone you hate has died. You can be sad for the life that they didn’t get to live, for their unfulfilled hopes and dreams, their loved ones, etc….
You can still hate what they did and how they made you feel. You can hate their reasons for choosing to behave the way they did knowing that they could have chosen to be better. You can accept this and move on.

Doesn’t mean that they should.

Says who? People are entitled to feel anyway they want about someone who made their life a misery tbh

“Should”? No one is making it a rule that people have to. And you comment elsewhere that it “doesn’t need to be said”. Need is very much an overused word, but clearly the OP has conflicting feelings, otherwise s/he wouldn’t have posted. The OP’s post shows that she does in fact need to say it and does need help to deal with the issue, moreover others have similar experiences that they wish to share.

It might be worth thinking about your own discomfort with this situation and why you wish to repress a discussion about what is apparently quite a common feeling.

I said in my post I wasn’t talking about the op, I was talking about some of the comments.

And if they talk about it on an open public forum, they will get comments and opinions.

My mum's stepmother made our childhoods very, very difficult. In all sorts of ways.

When she finally passed at 97, I felt nothing except relief. And yes, I was glad that she was gone and the my mum was finally free of this horrid woman.

I do not feel guilty for my feelings. They were and are perfectly valid. Don't feel guilty @CheeseandMarmiteToastie.

People don’t become saints when they die, and if you disliked ‘em, you disliked ‘em. Just walk from it and don’t beat yourself up about it.

When my parents died - particularly my father - my primary feeling was one of great relief.
They made my life a misery with their ongoing behaviour, which was like some weird sort of mental torture.
Don’t look back -and the times you do, which is inevitable, remind yourself of what the whole experience was like and that you have your life left and just go on trying be the nicest person you can.

When I heard that abusive mother died I felt a huge relief and finally free.

Don’t worry about what you are feeling OP

The man who called himself my father was a deeply unpleasant person with no redeeming features. I wasn’t sad when he died at all. I didn’t go to the funeral. I felt no guilt then and if I’m ever unlucky enough to think of him now, I feel no guilt. Don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling, it sounds as though they deserved it. Relax and move on.

When my mother in law pops her clogs I will have a party.

When my BIL goes, I'll dance on his grave. No guilt - horrible person.

I read a quote somewhere along the lines of; “I won’t rejoice in their death but there are some for whom I cannot weep…..”

You are not harming anyone by feeling glad, so no harm done

I’m more annoyed at how many people have written, “You feel what you feel.” It doesn’t really make sense. When you think about it.

I should probably get some sleep.

My friend’s partner died, they were living together but hated each other a lot of the time - her grief is complicated, she doesn’t acknowledge that she’s grieving because she disliked him so much but she’s not happy.

My step-father spent the majority of my teenage years systematically raping me and making me keep quiet about it with horrendous threats It was only I only once I was in my 20s that I learnt that he couldn't have used his lies against me.

I did pluck up the courage to tell my mother when I was approx 17 what was happening, and she blatantly denied that he would ever do such a thing, labelling me a liar in the process, so, I feel that she enabled him by allowing the situation to continue for a further approx 18 months.

If we were both in a room at the same time as someone else, he treated me with hatred/contempt, constantly throwing insultss@!!!, etc, but as soon as he knew that I was in the house alone, that was when the attacks would happen. I tried, desperately, to avoid being in the house when there was no-one else there, but it wasn't always passible.i eventually found a way to escape his rules and abuse when I was 19.

Fast forward to approx 5 years ago, after I'd intentionally had very little to no contact with my mother for several years, and she wrote me a letter, saying that my abuser (my word, definitely not hers) had died a couple of months previously, with dementia and bowel cancer, and that she hadn't informed me at the time because she 'knew that I wouldn't care or be interested in his passing'.

That was the day that I felt as though a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I then knew that he couldn't ever hurt or threaten anyone ever again. My relief was palpable.

I do still bear a massive grudge against my mother and have spoken to her literally 3 times since receiving that letter, twice, accidentally, (she called me by mistake instead of someone else with the same first name), the other time, i listened to her explaining about some of the things her husband had done as a result of the dementia. As you can probably imagine, I was secretly smiling to myself about a) him being struck with dementia (which I would never wish on anyone, except him and probably my mother), b) the pain and suffering she was subjected to as a result of this (karma), and c) the fact that the doctors said that it wasn't worth operating on his bowel cancer because he would need a stoma, and the dementia meant that he likely wouldn't understand why it was needed, and would probably 'mess about with it', and cause my mother even more messy, unwanted work, so they left him for the cancer to overtake him and eventually become his cause of death.

Now that he's dead and gone, I await my mother's demise. I know my sibling will inform me, but there will be no grief, I won't attend the funeral, and I'm fairly certain that I will feel relief again.

As a previous poster said, they had already mourned the lack of the decent, caring mother they had never had, and I feel exactly the same way.

So call me nasty, uncaring or any other word you can think of, but the removal of these two 'monsters' from my life hasn't been/won't be reason for me to mourn, but the release I've waited for for over 40 years.