My sons behaviour 🫤

[MyThreeLittleLoves]

Hello

It has taken me a lot to post of here, so please be kind and no negative comments.

I am looking for some advice on how to tackle my 8 year old sons behaviour.

In a nutshell he is a very loving kind and caring boy. However he doesn’t like the word “NO”

Let’s take this afternoon for example, after I collected him and my soon to be three year old son from school and nursery, I needed to go and get a few things from the supermarket/department store.

He asked if he could have some new drawing pens and paper, now I would usually buy them for him, but I am trying my best to get out of the habit of always saying yes to both boys.

So this afternoon, I had the courage to tell him that he couldn’t have them, bearing in mind he has lots at home, and we are coming up to Christmas, in which that could be another gift for him.

My other son also picked up something, I also told him no, he accepted that he wasn’t going to take it home with him today and caused no fuss.

My 8 year old started to sulk, when we got to the checkout I asked him to help me put the shopping on the conveyor belt, as he usually likes to help me.

He picked up the loaf of bread and threw it, and it nearly hit the lady working on the check-out, I immediately apologised to her and she gave me a warm smile, then I turned to him and said “No, we are not going to do this, how dare you behave like this in public?” thinking back, I shouldn’t have said anything.

He then replied “Shut up, you f**!ing bitch” and those in front and behind me and heard this, I ignored him to not escalate the matter further. Once I paid for and packed my shopping, I just wanted to get out of there, but he thought it was be great to walk very slowly behind me.

Then refused to get into the car, but eventually did. I told him I’m not happy with how he behaved in the supermarket and how dare him speak to me like that, and call me that and I will be telling dad when we get home. His words were “I literally don’t care, you can tell him what you want, I wish I had a better mum than you”

All this because I didn’t buy him then pen and paper, my husband and I make sure to give the boys to best life, which includes private education, holidays each half term (Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school) nice days out and experiences and of course lots of love and cuddles.

I just don’t understand why my son acts like this, when we got home he showered and went to sleep.

Please can I have help/advice on how to tackle this, because it really upsets me. And every time this happens I have to open a bottle of wine, then I will drink it all then feel guilty that I’ve drunk it all to myself and I find myself crying, then to make myself feel better I open another bottle, it’s just a vicious cycle. I’m disappointed in myself as I’ve been doing so well regarding “drinking”

I think punish is the wrong word it makes it sound too authoritarian. I’ve also used the word punish myself in my post but just by means of taking away a privilege as a consequence for bad behaviour. I don’t think anyone on here is blaming the boy as ultimately it’s not his fault he’s been allowed to behave like that for so long with no consequences. However, him behaving like that needs addressing as it’s still wrong and he needs to be taught that negative behaviour will have negative consequences otherwise he will grow up to think it’s okay to be abusive and throw things at people and worse. If he carries on with such behaviour unchecked it will just escalate as he gets older and one day it won’t be a near miss with a loaf of bread it could be much worse.

There are other children in the house besides him and if he’s behaving aggressively it will have a negative impact on them as well. It’s important to reinforce good behaviour and good routines which in doing so does mean reprimanding him for rude or dangerous behaviour. People are offering their advice because she needs to act fast to remedy the situation quickly before it spirals completely out of control. He is eight so he is not too young to realise that his behaviour is unacceptable. You can’t just allow him to carry on as he is just because the reasons for him doing so are because the OP is passive.

Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school

On a separate note, what do you /DH do for a living to afford this? I clearly need to move jobs

I agree with @sandyhappypeople . At the moment, there is absolutely no point in "punishing" this child.

What he needs first and foremost is to feel loved and secure, and like the world is not going to come crashing down on him (and his mother reach for the bottle) when he acts out. There will be age-appropriate consequences, yes, but he needs to know he is not responsible for his mother's actions and subsequent loss of control. There is very little point in imposing the usual sanctions and discipline on a child who is navigating a frequently drunk and inappropriately emotional parent. These outbursts may well be a response to how he is witnessing his parents deal with stress and pressure (i.e. not in a healthy way). OP, you need to look at why you are so stressed and how that is being communicated to your DS and what sort of atmosphere you are creating at home.

Another thing, OP - in relation to your son falling asleep all the time or taking himself upstairs to shower and bed, there are two things possibly going on. One is that your DS really is exhausted and needs more down time. If he's at private school, how long is his school day? And does he have enough time in the holidays and at weekends just to recharge? I read the list of trips you have planned for the approaching holiday and tbh it makes me feel exhausted. It all sounds like too much. When does he get to hang out at home with you and you all curl up on the sofa and watch a film, or just do quiet stuff at home together? The other reason he might be taking himself upstairs is to avoid you because he knows you've had a few and he's uncomfortable being around you because he's not sure how you're going to behave. So he's removing himself from the situation. Children of heavy drinkers often do this as a coping mechanism. If he's learnt that going to sleep gets him away from a situation he finds scary and can't handle (his mother not being in control), then that may be part of why he does it.

You need to sort out how you work consequences and stick to it rigidly.

But the gifts need to stop. He's

Give him a small amount if pocket money and anything he wants he has to buy himself.

Some basic low pocket money can be just given, more has to be earnt through jobs. Give him some responsibility. If he tantrums he looses the things he already got for a specified time.

I'd still say, after setting the boundaries, working through "my hidden chimp" is worth doing with him.

One chapter is "accepting No."

You say his father is kind and loving so my next question would be what social media is he watching? What is he hearing from boys at school? Maybe their dads behave like this and he is hearing it from them.

@Arran2024

I pretty much doubt he has picked it up from one of the boys are school.

We’ve had a nice evening so far, he came out of school happy, I’m dreading his next outburst.

While he's calm and sensible have a chat with him about the outburst in a non critical way. Explain it's not expected for a boy his age to behave like that and from now on x y z will be happening to fix it.

@Seekingstyle

I spoke to him before bed, he said that he is sorry and he knows he shouldn’t swear or say bad words.