My sons behaviour 🫤

[MyThreeLittleLoves]

Hello

It has taken me a lot to post of here, so please be kind and no negative comments.

I am looking for some advice on how to tackle my 8 year old sons behaviour.

In a nutshell he is a very loving kind and caring boy. However he doesn’t like the word “NO”

Let’s take this afternoon for example, after I collected him and my soon to be three year old son from school and nursery, I needed to go and get a few things from the supermarket/department store.

He asked if he could have some new drawing pens and paper, now I would usually buy them for him, but I am trying my best to get out of the habit of always saying yes to both boys.

So this afternoon, I had the courage to tell him that he couldn’t have them, bearing in mind he has lots at home, and we are coming up to Christmas, in which that could be another gift for him.

My other son also picked up something, I also told him no, he accepted that he wasn’t going to take it home with him today and caused no fuss.

My 8 year old started to sulk, when we got to the checkout I asked him to help me put the shopping on the conveyor belt, as he usually likes to help me.

He picked up the loaf of bread and threw it, and it nearly hit the lady working on the check-out, I immediately apologised to her and she gave me a warm smile, then I turned to him and said “No, we are not going to do this, how dare you behave like this in public?” thinking back, I shouldn’t have said anything.

He then replied “Shut up, you f**!ing bitch” and those in front and behind me and heard this, I ignored him to not escalate the matter further. Once I paid for and packed my shopping, I just wanted to get out of there, but he thought it was be great to walk very slowly behind me.

Then refused to get into the car, but eventually did. I told him I’m not happy with how he behaved in the supermarket and how dare him speak to me like that, and call me that and I will be telling dad when we get home. His words were “I literally don’t care, you can tell him what you want, I wish I had a better mum than you”

All this because I didn’t buy him then pen and paper, my husband and I make sure to give the boys to best life, which includes private education, holidays each half term (Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school) nice days out and experiences and of course lots of love and cuddles.

I just don’t understand why my son acts like this, when we got home he showered and went to sleep.

Please can I have help/advice on how to tackle this, because it really upsets me. And every time this happens I have to open a bottle of wine, then I will drink it all then feel guilty that I’ve drunk it all to myself and I find myself crying, then to make myself feel better I open another bottle, it’s just a vicious cycle. I’m disappointed in myself as I’ve been doing so well regarding “drinking”

@VivaVivaa Yes wants to sleep but I keep him awake.
@sandyhappypeople I would rather he misbehaved behind closed doors
@Goldbar I get stressed out pretty easily and wine would temporarily take the stress away, I can drink a bottle of wine quickly in one sitting, but then once I’ve finished the bottle I feel guilty for drinking, then I’ll cry and to make myself feel better I’d open another bottle of wine, which is just a vicious circle.

Most private schools have closer to 4 weeks off at Christmas.

I don’t know how to say this nicely and this will be harsh but OP you really need to hear it. You’re a victim of your own emotions and it’s made you an ineffectual and lazy parent and a manipulative wife. If I were your husband and all you did every evening was get drunk and cry if I’d ignore you too. It must be frankly exhausting. In fact I’d leave because it’s absurd. The fact that you scapegoat your husband and make him the bad guy by threatening your son with him is disgraceful and will irreversibly damage his relationship with your son. What on earth are you playing at? If you have such poor control over your emotional regulation that it affects you and your family this badly then you need to engage in therapy asap. Stop making excuses for your son’s behaviour and your own.

Stop enabling your son’s poor behaviour by pacifying him with materialistic items and ignoring his spoilt outbursts. Toughen up and deal with it as it unfolds. Get yourself on a parenting course, the triple p parenting course is one I can personally recommend it was invaluable for me.

Allowing your children to rule the roost is why children turn into bullies and why men turn into abusers because parents like you can’t be bothered to parent and want an easy life and they expect everyone else when they grow up to dance to their tune because their mum has all of their life. It’s totally unfair on everyone else who will be affected by it.

This is totally your own doing and I’m absolutely bowled over that you can’t work out that your spoiling him, lack of routine and letting him doing whatever he wants is the cause of his temper tantrums. The fact you didn’t go postal over him throwing things in a shop and almost hitting a woman who’s trying to do her job is shocking.

Stop giving him treats outside of Christmas and birthdays going forward, implement set routine with meal times and bed times. Any bad behaviour and name calling gets immediately sanctioned and properly with a suitable consequence. That could be grounding, taking away his electronics or anything that he’s interested in.

He doesn’t care that he’s hurt your feelings because you value your own feelings above anyone else’s by the sounds of it. Get help for your drinking before you destroy your marriage and your children’s childhoods. It’s selfish and totally unfair for a child having to grow up in a home where a parent puts drink over their wellbeing. You have a very young child and it’s a safeguarding issue if you do the majority of the parenting to be drunk every night. It’s horrible for a child to grow up and see their mother drunk every night and you need to do much better.

Giving your children firm boundaries and punishing bad behaviour gives them emotional security in their lives and shows them you care about them. Your older child is eight, he’s not stupid. He will be able to equate you letting him get away with murder with you not being bothered to parent him properly and show that you care about him.

Okay so a few points I think:

1. It’s perfectly fine if your kid is spoiled. He just can’t be a brat. There is a very significant difference. If he acts like a brat cut out the things that are spoiling him,
2. You are buying his love by giving him whatever he wants and never saying no, When you do say no, he would feel like you are withholding love as this is his translation. I say this for you to think about the dynamic of your relationship not to criticise.
3. No eight year old should know language like that, think to use language like that or call his mother that. Either he is learning this from home or from the internet. If from home, there is a serious issue there. If from the internet you need to start putting controls on, monitoring what he does and limiting screen time.
4. Your language about having the courage to tell him no is worrying. He is 8. You are his parent and need to set clear boundaries and expectations.
5. His behaviour isn’t acceptable, normal or okay. You need to nip this in the bud now before it gets even worse.
6. It sounds like you are drinking to numb the pain of the situation and how he treats you. Put the bottle down. It won’t help. Setting clear and firm boundaries will stop this behaviour and you need to be in control.
7. Kids respond well to boundaries. You need these now.
8. All the money and presents and experiences in the world can’t buy a kid respectable behaviour. Stop worrying about what you are giving him and more about how he treats you. Perhaps consider a rewards chart for good behaviour.

OP you haven’t actually acknowledged any of the advice or said what you’re going to do about the situation.

@MereNoelle Regardless, if true that's one hell of a tight schedule...

IF this is real, I’m truly shocked.

If it’s fake or exaggerated, here is my advice anyway.

Brief in advance before you go anywhere, laying out your expectations clearly and consequences for not meeting those expectations. E.g. We’re going to the Waitrose after school. We’re just buying food, no other treats and no chocolate. If you ask me for either of those things I will say no. I expect you to behave well and help me load the food on to the conveyor belt. If you don’t do these things then (insert punishment of choice).

And then of course if he does behave well, DON’T reward him (good behaviour should be the default) but DO emphasise how much you enjoyed that outing and how much you look forward to the next.

Treats are fine, but they stop being treats if they are expected and demanded. So ration them so that he can really appreciate them.

Sorry that makes me smile. Lapland isn’t the North Pole. It’s about 2500 miles away from there.

If taking things away doesn’t work then yes a physical punishment fits better, ie sending to room and yes physical taking them to their room EVERY TIME if you have to, i understand it can be difficult as they get older but that is why these behaviours need to be nipped in the bud while they are little, my youngest DS (9) is severely autistic, he is also a big lad, stands at my shoulder, weighs 7 and half stone, and doesn’t know his own strength, when he was younger he used to headbutt me/ hit me when he got upset but by implementing punishments for that behaviour quickly he hasn’t hit me for a couple years now, which i am very glad for as he could probably knock me out now, he does still have tantrums (screams and thrashes about) but as soon as i raise my voice just a tad he stops because he knows if he pushes too far there will be a punishment and he hates being sent to his room- wouldn’t care if i took electronics/toys away like my older DS, my eldest DD wouldn’t care if i grounded her but take her phone away and she would consider that a punishment, my younger DD (9) wouldn’t care about electronics/grounding/being sent to her room but hates chores so that is her punishment, each child has a different form of punishment its just finding what works x

Your child has no respect for you.

You have no consequences so he can do as he pleases and he knows this.

Who looks after your almost 3 year old and your 9 month old when you are 2 bottles of wine in and crying??

What has 'in public' got to do with it?

This is shocking behaviour, not because it's in public, 'in public' is not the issue. It shouldn't be tolerated AT ALL, anywhere, at any time.

I hope you listen to the advice on this thread, OP. And stop drinking. Crying as you open the 2nd bottle of wine is not going to help anyone, least of all your vulnerable little boy. He needs firm, loving guidance, not a parent who sounds scared of him and drowns her emotions in a bottle.

I suspect this is the root of a lot of the issue. Your son doesn't respect you because you're not a "safe" person.

What he probably really wants to say to you - but lacks the maturity and intellectual development to recognise and vocalise - is probably "Mum, you need to bloody well sort yourself out because you're wrecking my childhood right now and I'm scared."

I feel for your son. You have no right to expect him to behave and be polite and respectful when you are not providing a stable and emotionally secure home for him. How can you expect him to respect appropriately to situations when you set such a poor example of how to deal with stress?

And you need to focus much less on what complete strangers think of you and your parenting and much more on the fact that your home right now is not a happy one for your children.

Keep this up and I suspect you'll see very little of your kids when they become teens. They'll take refuge in the houses of their friends whose parents don't behave in an inappropriate and emotionally unstable way.

I still don’t understand when he eats dinner though. Your story is causing troll calls because it doesn’t make sense. If he finishes school at 315 (unusually early for a private school), you went to the shops and he came straight home and slept, that’s not going to be 730pm like you say - unless you were driving or in the shops for hours. And you imply he does this regularly, then wakes for food. If so, no wonder he is tired! Feed him when you get home surely?
Also, what you say about your drinking strongly suggests you are an alcoholic. I’m guessing your children have witnessed the drinking and crying - and implication of arguing with your husband about it - which obviously won’t help the state of mind of your 8 year old. Address the alcohol issues asap before you can even attempt anything else with your son.

Thank you but I don't actually have those struggles. He doesn't keep on for things in shops or asks for things. It's more the rudeness.

As I say he doesn't swear or call us names, but I don't doubt he would if he knew what they were. He just back chats and if he doesn't get his pick of the tele, etc then he tries to ruin it for everyone and will just keep shouting at us until he has his way. We don't give in, but it makes no difference. It doesn't sound that bad but it's so often it's so draining. I think a lot of it is down to impulse control. But with the way he speaks to us rather than his actions if that makes sense.

We also do a lot of one on one time and games with him, he is very loved.

You’d rather he misbehave behind closed doors for what purpose? So you can completely ignore it while not having anyone judge you as a lazy ineffectual parent?

it still makes you a lazy ineffectual parent though, so what are you going to do about that?

Sorry if I’ve confused you with my child going to sleep.

On a regular day he is in bed by 7.30pm. I have stopped letting him nap in the car straight home from school, because then he will want to continue the nap into the house.

Today as soon as we got home (he didn’t go to sleep after the supermarket saga) even though he was sleeping, he went upstairs showered and went to sleep.

I am going to read back through everything now, and write down some of the useful advice you have given to me, I’m very grateful and if I didn’t reply to your comment, I am not being ignorant, it’s just hard to reply to each and every one.

I see!

Have you tried 'I always try to speak respectfully to you because I love and care for you, I expect you do the same, everyone makes mistakes, we can say sorry if we make a mistake' and role model that. I have had to apologise when I get stressed about getting somewhere on time and raise my voice for everyone to hurry up!

Also, naming emotions like 'Are you feeling frustrated because you want x,y and z? It is frustrating when you can't do something you want to do when you want to do it. Why do you want to x, y and z. You can do x, y and z when a, b and c happen. Won't that be lovely!'

I know what you mean about it being draining, I have the same with one, they also don't swear or be aggressive in anyway but they are spirited! They know what they want and how they want things to go. My other one is very chilled out and happy to go with the flow.

The above works for me 90% of the time x

In my opinion, this is how to fix it, but it will take time.

Tell him there are going to be some changes to the way rules are enforced. He is not allowed to swear at you, throw things, be rude to people or (add the rules you want to enforce that he is regularly breaking). Tell him if he does these things he will be punished.

This means you aren't suddenly springing a new approach on him that he hasn't warning of. You start the process by warning him of this.
Then enforce those rules.

If he swears at you, immediately tell him off firmly and give him instant consequences.
It doesn't matter if it's in public and doesn't matter if it escalates it.
You say "Don't swear at me, you're grounded (or you won't have this toy or whatever it is he wants, take away something he likes). And if you do it again you won't have ... (something else he likes) either." If he physically tried to walk away or strop or throw something you physically stop him. If you can't physically stop him, and his dad is around get his dad to do it.

Don't let him off or not react because it might escalate it or anything else. React, quickly and firmly and in the way you told him you would.

Do this over and over.
He needs to be punished when he misbehaves.

At first it's going to be a total nightmare. Hellish. He'll scream he'll cry he'll probably try to throw things. This is not unexpected, you can handle. You're expecting it. It's normal human behaviour to react strongly to a change you don't like and try to go back to the old ways - that's what he'll be doing. Don't give up.

Even if you have to go and have a cry in the car park next time you're on your own, that's fine, you have feelings and it's going to be hard. It's ok. Still, don't give up and don't give in, be firm with him and enforce boundaries.

I know it won't be easy but I think his behaviour will improve.

Perhaps give a reward too at the end of each 3 - week period that he behaves well. In combination with sanctions if he doesn't.

He's not a nasty boy. He said a nasty thing. I'm not making excuses for him but something else is going on. Have a chat with him when you feel relaxed and calm but give yourself time to think about the consequence. Emptying dishwasher for a week? Remind him that this is the consequence for his awful behaviour. That you have thought about it and because it was so serious the consequence is severe. Tell him you will talk again about this when you have had a really good think about what is causing his behaviour. Declare that this would be the time for him to share that reason with you now if there is one. Listen to him. Ask him if anyone is being mean at school. Not just to him but to others in front of him? He's learning from someone. Put downs like that can often be witnessed behaviour. It's quite controlling. Does he witness anyone else talking to you like that? That's a question for you really. You can reclaim the ground with your son, you just need to set some boundaries.

You will tolerate no swearing or name calling.
No demands for things in shops until you tell him he's allowed a treat. If he is rude to you that behaviour will meet it's own consequence in addition to consequences for all other behaviours or unreasonable demands. Check he understands what you've said. In addition and along side his consequences sort out a merit chart where can recieve recognition for the good things he does. This keeps him looking forward and encourages him to take responsibility for his actions and reflect upon his strengths. His behaviour was way over the top and more than mean to his mum. The consequence must reflect that time wise, I.e. it's not going to be forgotten in a day or a week. Support him in his task, help him to get it right and catch him out in getting it right. This builds his self esteem and helps to restore his dignity. Tell him he hurt your feelings with his rudeness, that you felt unappreciated and that he needs to apologise when he's reflected upon that.
Three rules;
1. sticking to guns and remaining calm is very important. You're modelling how to deal with conflict calmly.

1. At this point, tolerate no rudeness or backchat. That will be an immediate time out without treats or toys.

3.Be organised. Know where the time out is taking place, if he kicks against you repeat the mantra until he understands you will not budge.
Prime dad so that you both stick together in a united front, even if he doesn't agree with you. Don't fratch in front of him.

Reserve the right to go to time out every time until he's listening. I know it's hard, it's a drip drip situation like water drops into a bucket, only the water droplets are pearls of wisdom. Eventually the bucket fills up. Remember you can take time out too. But not for a glass of wine. Stay on message. Drink wine when it's done but not to feel better. Being a parent is the hardest job I ever did, no one prepares you for but there were good folk who helped me through though, I learned the art of negotiation and fairness, that's what I've talked about here.

You think he's not learning but he is, childen are like sponges, if you want him to be reasonble you have to model reasonable, even under duress. He feels safest with you thats why he acted out like that, the things he said were not good. I hope that he opens up to you, that will be an important conversation, eventually he'll reflect what you model, it will all rub off on him, bit by bit. Courage Mon brave! Get some rest then make your plans to tackle this.

In the meantime explain to him there is a consequence coming but you're just thinking about it right now. You'll chat to him in a couple of days when you've thought it through really caŕefully. In the meantime no treats, no socials and no treat television or gaming etc.

I'm hoping things Improve for you all soon, take care.

Your opinions are very harsh. She does need help but punishment rather than consequences is what creates a bully. You've been too mean to OP. It's hard to come on to a public forum and share your all, you are supposed to be respectful in your opinions. The comments you've made about her marriage are completely inappropriate. Shame on you. Respectfully of course...

I’m sorry but why are people telling op ways to punish her son.. she needs to bloody parent him, not punish him, he is acting out because he has been allowed to do anything and everything that he pleases without any parental guidance or consequences of any kind.

its awfully convenient to blame the child here and op shouldn’t be encouraged to do that without also reflecting on why he is saying and doing the things he does, if it is inadequate parenting then punishing him for that is just cruel imo.

Op, put the booze down, swallow your enormous self pity and concentrate on improving your parenting skills.

includes private education, holidays each half term (Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school) nice days out and experiences and of course lots of love and cuddles.

^

All this has no bearing on his behavior. It's you projecting, thinking he will be grateful for it. He isn't. For him it's just the norm.

Stop taking him shopping.

And you need to start reacting, now. If another woman told you to fuck off you stupid bitch, what would you do??? Start crying?? Would you reply?? Of course you would!

So why are you doing your son the disservice of normalizing this appalling behavior? Doesn't he deserve more???

Because private school and a pony are great, but manners and appropriate behavior are worth far more.