My sons behaviour 🫤

[MyThreeLittleLoves]

Hello

It has taken me a lot to post of here, so please be kind and no negative comments.

I am looking for some advice on how to tackle my 8 year old sons behaviour.

In a nutshell he is a very loving kind and caring boy. However he doesn’t like the word “NO”

Let’s take this afternoon for example, after I collected him and my soon to be three year old son from school and nursery, I needed to go and get a few things from the supermarket/department store.

He asked if he could have some new drawing pens and paper, now I would usually buy them for him, but I am trying my best to get out of the habit of always saying yes to both boys.

So this afternoon, I had the courage to tell him that he couldn’t have them, bearing in mind he has lots at home, and we are coming up to Christmas, in which that could be another gift for him.

My other son also picked up something, I also told him no, he accepted that he wasn’t going to take it home with him today and caused no fuss.

My 8 year old started to sulk, when we got to the checkout I asked him to help me put the shopping on the conveyor belt, as he usually likes to help me.

He picked up the loaf of bread and threw it, and it nearly hit the lady working on the check-out, I immediately apologised to her and she gave me a warm smile, then I turned to him and said “No, we are not going to do this, how dare you behave like this in public?” thinking back, I shouldn’t have said anything.

He then replied “Shut up, you f**!ing bitch” and those in front and behind me and heard this, I ignored him to not escalate the matter further. Once I paid for and packed my shopping, I just wanted to get out of there, but he thought it was be great to walk very slowly behind me.

Then refused to get into the car, but eventually did. I told him I’m not happy with how he behaved in the supermarket and how dare him speak to me like that, and call me that and I will be telling dad when we get home. His words were “I literally don’t care, you can tell him what you want, I wish I had a better mum than you”

All this because I didn’t buy him then pen and paper, my husband and I make sure to give the boys to best life, which includes private education, holidays each half term (Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school) nice days out and experiences and of course lots of love and cuddles.

I just don’t understand why my son acts like this, when we got home he showered and went to sleep.

Please can I have help/advice on how to tackle this, because it really upsets me. And every time this happens I have to open a bottle of wine, then I will drink it all then feel guilty that I’ve drunk it all to myself and I find myself crying, then to make myself feel better I open another bottle, it’s just a vicious cycle. I’m disappointed in myself as I’ve been doing so well regarding “drinking”

Why don't you punish him the next day?

He's got you wrapped round his little finger hasn't he. Stop being scared of him, the first few times you stand up to him will be like today but keep at it. For behaving like that I would be removing tech and/or removing another privilege like not going to the Christmas party. He needs to know you're in charge and you will not tolerate this behaviour.

He knows you’re scared of him: ‘I had the courage to say no’ is extremely telling. Couple with being spoilt and having no consequences for his behaviour, you have a brat on your hands.

I would have apologised profusely to the sales assistant but would have left the shopping and store immediately. He would have known I was furious.

Eights years old and calling you a ‘fucking bitch’?! There’s no way he’d have been allowed to just ‘shower and sleep’ when we got home. He’d be sitting at the table feeling my icy cold wrath, disappointment and total disgust at his behaviour.

Once a week is A LOT
He needs to face consequences of his behaviour. Not to be left to do whatever he wants - aka shower then bed - because he knows this means he is left alone.

He is simply in control rather than you controlling him.

How is he at school?

You are the adult here so you have to act like it. Wake him up from his sleep and take his favourite toys out of his room. If he continues with his behaviour continue to remove toys or favourite things explaining he can have them back once he apologises and his behaviour improves.

In the morning when he’s awake and ready to listen you sit him down and say that the way he behaved and spoke to you is unacceptable and it needs to stop. You explain that you will no longer buy things ‘just because’ he needs to learn to wait until birthdays or Christmas. He could also receive money for doing chores and he can save up for things he wants. It sounds like this is quite long term behaviour, so it is going to take persistence to reverse it and both you and your husband need to be in the same page. Praise him when you see him being kind or doing something helpful. Notice those who have less and encourage both of your children to sort through their toys etc to find things to give to charity. Model this behaviour yourself.

Consequences for bad behaviour like this need to be dealt out by the parent experiencing it and be made as close to the event as possible. The fact he gets away with it by going to bed is crazy! You need to make it clear he can't dodge the consequences of bad behaviour and enforce them.

I do find his behaviour quite shocking as I have a son the same age and he just wouldn't dream of speaking to me that way. You saying it doesn't happen often, but then saying weekly, to me is too often! Assuming he doesn't have any additional needs, I wouldn't expect these types of outbursts from a child that age weekly.

You're doing him a huge disservice if you don't try to rectify this. Speaking to people that way when he's older is going to do him zero favours. He'll soon experience the consequences when future friends, girlfriends and employers want nothing to do with him because he speaks to them like trash when he doesn't get his way.

I'd be interested in the answer to this too.

@MyThreeLittleLoves to quote peoples press the ‘quote’ button.

to tag people - @ and their user name.

im sorry to sound harsh but why would he change when their are no consequences to his actions other than Mummy getting sozzled?

Stop reaching for alcohol as an escape method.

Look at some ideas for family rules in behaviour and consequences. Our whole family unit has rules on mutual respect etc and what age appropriate consequences would happen to the different folks if they broke any rules.

this was discussed as a family. And we stuck to it. If I messed up or lost my temper - I had to apologise, I’d explain how I should have dealt with my emotions better etc. I didn’t dismiss it or ignore it.

whats DH like? Are you a team with parenting or is he a Disney dad when around or laughs off the behaviour?

He need to have consequences for his actions.
You need to stop him doing some things he enjoys, taking things away from him that he finds important, because learning respect is much more important.

He can earn back his things as he earns your respect.

He can't go out into the adult world in years to come having been allowed to carry on like that in his childhood with no actual consequences for his actions, just a nice shower and bed to avoid it all.

Saying that at 8 is quite shocking. Where did he even learn such language?

You need to learn how parent. There are courses you can go on to help with this. Why are there consequences?
My youngest is that age and I don’t think he even knows those words, let alone how to use them in context.

What is your husband doing while you’re swilling down 2 bottles of wine and crying ?

I'm sorry, this sounds so tough. Out of interest, how were you parented when you were younger?

@Jifmicroliquid I know I shouldn’t be forgetting about it, but it is a lot easier for me to do so.
@AnneLovesGilbert No, no one else speaks to me like that, I wouldn’t allow them to.
@Littletreefrog No, he didn’t fall asleep in the car home, but usually is very tired after school and wants to sleep, I did let him do this before but now I keep him awake, sometimes he gets very upset and cries because of this, and when I ask him why is he so upset he just says “because you’re not letting me sleep” he showered and went to sleep when we got home, I did wake him to come and eat but he said he is not hungry and will most likely wake up soon wanting to eat dinner.
@SlugsWon I told my husband what happened and he said “You slap him” like he always does, but we are both against hitting our children, he has taken away the iPad and games console and said that he is not getting anything.
@Arran2024 My husband and I have a good relationship, he has never raised his voice to me let alone sworn or verbally abused me.

My Husband is very soft with the boys, his rules are good manners and respect and to be clean and tidy.

So you could have handed out some consequences on the car journey home. Why didn't you?

I don’t understand the “you slap him” comment if neither of you (rightly) do that. How odd.

Did you not talk to him about his behaviour in the car on the way home?

Your son doesn't respect you. You could have assertively (not aggressively) torn strips off him in the car on the way home and told him what the consequence for his behaviour was going to be. Rounded off with a "and go to your room until I say you can come out" as you walked through the door.

Ineffective parenting. You are doing your child a disservice, he will grow up to be not a very nice child to his friends, if he isn't already. Stop letting him dictate to you. Get a routine, get home, homework, tea play, shower and bed. No naps, sleeping etc until bedtime. All eat together. You say your husbands rule is manners, what's happened to that then?

Please get help re drinking too much alcohol. If you can't stop yourself drinking more, and you have those feelings about it, then it's better to learn not to drink at all. Go to your GP to discuss both the alcohol and the wider situation.

Are things otherwise okay at home? Where is your husband in parenting him?

Hi

Sorry but you "had the courage to tell him"? ????? You are his mum. End of!

He's spoilt rotten OP. This:

which includes private education, holidays each half term (Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school)

Is not in any way normal.

My Husband is very soft with the boys, his rules are good manners and respect and to be clean and tidy.
Are they clean and tidy?