My sons behaviour 🫤

[MyThreeLittleLoves]

Hello

It has taken me a lot to post of here, so please be kind and no negative comments.

I am looking for some advice on how to tackle my 8 year old sons behaviour.

In a nutshell he is a very loving kind and caring boy. However he doesn’t like the word “NO”

Let’s take this afternoon for example, after I collected him and my soon to be three year old son from school and nursery, I needed to go and get a few things from the supermarket/department store.

He asked if he could have some new drawing pens and paper, now I would usually buy them for him, but I am trying my best to get out of the habit of always saying yes to both boys.

So this afternoon, I had the courage to tell him that he couldn’t have them, bearing in mind he has lots at home, and we are coming up to Christmas, in which that could be another gift for him.

My other son also picked up something, I also told him no, he accepted that he wasn’t going to take it home with him today and caused no fuss.

My 8 year old started to sulk, when we got to the checkout I asked him to help me put the shopping on the conveyor belt, as he usually likes to help me.

He picked up the loaf of bread and threw it, and it nearly hit the lady working on the check-out, I immediately apologised to her and she gave me a warm smile, then I turned to him and said “No, we are not going to do this, how dare you behave like this in public?” thinking back, I shouldn’t have said anything.

He then replied “Shut up, you f**!ing bitch” and those in front and behind me and heard this, I ignored him to not escalate the matter further. Once I paid for and packed my shopping, I just wanted to get out of there, but he thought it was be great to walk very slowly behind me.

Then refused to get into the car, but eventually did. I told him I’m not happy with how he behaved in the supermarket and how dare him speak to me like that, and call me that and I will be telling dad when we get home. His words were “I literally don’t care, you can tell him what you want, I wish I had a better mum than you”

All this because I didn’t buy him then pen and paper, my husband and I make sure to give the boys to best life, which includes private education, holidays each half term (Lapland & DisneyLand in the next few weeks, then Jamaica after Christmas and a three day ski trip then back to school) nice days out and experiences and of course lots of love and cuddles.

I just don’t understand why my son acts like this, when we got home he showered and went to sleep.

Please can I have help/advice on how to tackle this, because it really upsets me. And every time this happens I have to open a bottle of wine, then I will drink it all then feel guilty that I’ve drunk it all to myself and I find myself crying, then to make myself feel better I open another bottle, it’s just a vicious cycle. I’m disappointed in myself as I’ve been doing so well regarding “drinking”

@MyThreeLittleLoves - in your shoes I would forgo a few holidays and spend the money on a parent coach and parenting lessons. And maybe some therapy for yourself. Parenting doesn't always come instinctively but most of us would immediately respond to our child speaking to us this way, most wouldn't just accept it. Why don't you respond, why are you scared of saying no to a little child? What happened when people did, or didn't, tell you no as a child? What happens if you allow the people you love to be angry and disappointed? What happens if you get angry?

I think these are questions to work through with a therapist

There is lots of advice here about the behaviour, but I just wanted to recommend '21st Century Boys' by Sue Palmer. It has useful thoughts on the pressures of marketing on children and related behaviours, with some practical strategies for helpful boundaries and attitudes.

This !
so you have let him go to bed then expect him to wake up at 9-10pm for food?
So much wrong here …
Echoing other posters , consequences need to be timely straight after the event …
Every time …
Weekly is regular btw.
Your lack of consequences and being too soft are the cause of this behaviour .

Honestly OP you sound weak. He’s an 8year old child who’s behaved appallingly and you have put zero consequences in place. You’re teaching him that he can behave badly and there will be zero repercussions to it. That’s your whole job as a parent!
That kind of behaviour for an 8year old is shocking and I sincerely hope you realise that. If you don’t start seriously coming down on him hard you’re going to be in for a world of pain in the coming years once puberty and the teenage years hit.

OP you sound almost scared of him, like you're on eggshells. A child should have a healthly respect for their parent, he just displays contempt.
Start disciplining him properly, stop being scared to be his parent, and hope it's not too late.

Agree with others he might be a bit over spoilt (I also feel mine might be sometimes) and the lack of punishment for that behaviour. Please take it easy on yourself , dealing with this type of behaviour when you might not be in the right place is not easy and sometimes we might spiral and lose control and not realise we are good mums.

I hope you have a lovely time in your holidays. My son last year on his first day in Lapland told me : it’s too cold I want to go home. Thanks god on the last day he thanked me for the holiday I had arranged and whilst he doesn’t talk as much about this hols as others we’ve done , he always remembers when he met Santa in the North Pole.

Hang on though, you said in a previous post ‘he usually is very tired after school and wants to sleep, I did let him do this before but now I keep him awake’. Wanting to sleep by 7:30 is normal for an 8 year old. You need to give him tea much earlier and let him sleep at 7:30 instead of keeping him awake. I still think boundaries and a more healthy approach to emotions is needed, but give yourself a fighting start with a child who is both well fed and well rested.

I think the holidays are a red herring. Lots of families go on several long haul/ special holidays every year and the children aren't horribly rude to their parents as a consequence. If your husband's priorities are good manners and respect then he must model these (as must you) and support you in upholding them in your children. I'm sorry your little boy was so horrible to you - it sounds as though you are rather frightened of him and he sounds as though he is a bully out of control. You need to take control back, and it will take time and patience and working together as a tight team with your DH (whose stupid advice to 'slap him' is no help whatever, as you know). Stay calm, stay off the wine and stay upbeat with your children as best you can. Pick your battles carefully. Saying No just because you don't want to say Yes all the time isn't necessarily a good thing. Try to frame your responses in a positive way - so, when he asks for drawing paper or whatever, say we've got that nice stuff at home and we'll get it out and do some drawing together just as soon as we're back home. Now, can you help me with the shopping? Be brisk and cheery and matter of fact - and most of all, be in charge. Parenting isn't a science and we all get it wrong at times - and all children are different in their temperament and responses, so don't beat yourself up about it (and don't drown your sorrows either!). You can mange this with patience, time and a firm resolve.

There is your problem, he gets no punishment, i wouldn’t allow him to sleep, as soon as he got home there would be some punishment straight away like removing electronics, grounding, no pocket money that week etc, my 12 yo ds got home 15 minutes late for dinner today, he didn’t let us know he was going straight from school out with friends either and his phone had died so we couldn’t get hold of him, as soon as he came in the door we grounded him and no xbox/phone for the rest of the day, if he had swore at me (none of my kids have ever sworn at me) he would have been grounded, banned from electronics and no pocket money for a month, i would also have made him apologise for his language to those present xx

I had the courage to tell him that he couldn’t have them

This sentence tells us exactly why he behaved like this. He is never told NO.

Get some boundaries in place stick to them and get help with your drinking .That's not a good coping mechanism

I don't have any advice but I struggle with my son too. He is 7 and doesn't swear at me or call me names (luckily he doesn't know swear words yet) but I don't doubt he would say them to me if he knew them. He acts very spoilt and he's very controlling and lashes out when he's told off for speaking rudely to us or his brother.

Everyone says give consequences but all anyone says is take things away. That doesn't work. I've taken favourite toys/the TV and he doesn't care. I put him to his room and he says no he literally will not go, I have to physically carry him there but I won't be able to do that as he gets much bigger. I've had so many calm conversations with him where he agrees he was rude and will apologise, but it happens again soon after.

I'm constantly second guessing if what I'm doing is right or if I'm creating a monster. I correct how rude he is constantly and every time he argues back and gets ruder and louder. This happens often, most days tbh. It's exhausting and heartbreaking.

Sorry to jump on your post, but you're not alone.

I said this on another post yesterday and the comment got removed.

there seems to be loads of posts lately that are either highly exaggerated, sound completely fake, or OPs are asking ridiculously obvious questions which seem to have a completely obvious answer that they then pretend not to be aware of.. it's beyond tedious.

I thought this one didn't sound right because of this line:
“No, we are not going to do this, how dare you behave like this in public?”
Such a performative, overreaction response to a tired child sulking and chucking a loaf of bread, besides that what has being in public got to do with anything??

But in the off chance it is real, why not take him to one side and talk to him like a 8 year child instead? You know, actual parenting, instead of performance parenting for other peoples benefit.

What precisely are you drinking and crying and carrying on about? Your son's behaviour? Your relationship with your DH? Other issues?

It is an incredibly unpleasant for people, especially children who can't escape easily and don't have the life experience to put things in context (and in particular to understand that it's not their fault) to live with a maudlin alcoholic.

I'm sorry to be unpleasant here OP, but I'm going to.

There is nothing about your DS's behaviour that you can't sort out fairly easily. He acts out because he can get away with it. When he learns that you hold all the cards and can make his life really quite boring and unpleasant if he doesn't toe the line, then he'll start to behave.

On the other hand, there is nothing your children can do about you drinking to excess and crying and being drunk and over-emotional in front of them. They can't solve those issues. And it will have an effort on them and undermine their sense of security in and respect for you. How can you be a secure authority figure in their lives if they can't rely on you? They need you to be consistent and loving, set firm boundaries and not burden them with adult issues.

@Littletreefrog I should have but I was so annoyed I just wanted to get home
@GF4All Sorry, typo “you should have slapped him” I was never hit as a child, my husband “slapped” by his mother had a child, I guess every parent and cultures are different, but I’d never lay a hand on any of our boys. I also have a great relationship with my mother in law, she loves the boys dearly. Infact my husband always comments on how differently she treats them to how she used to treat him. Going forward there was a situation where we were out a few weeks ago and he asked for something, I would have usually bought it for him but she was there with us so that gave me the courage to say no, he stamped his foot and I told him that he will not behave like that in public, my mother in law put it down to him being hungry or thirsty and picked him up.

I may be completely off the mark here OP but are there cultural issues at play? I've seen variations of this across my (Asian) circle - the clash between values, your own childhood experience and perception of 'respect' versus children's behaviour - leading to a certain way of dealing with issues when it's stressful.

Either way, you need to face up to your drinking and like other posters have said, redirect your income into finding parenting classes and family support. Your son's language is unacceptable and name calling cannot be tolerated.

Go to a parenting class and learn how to exert parental control!

Absolutely horrifying behaviour. If you don't sort it out, he will grow up to be a thoroughly unpleasant individual.

Private school boy who gets whatever he wants and calls his mother a bitch, at 8 years old? Nip this in the bud, now, before you have a 16 year old with that sense of entitlement, who's a real piece of work.

Parent your child.

There was a poster with a story remarkably like yours a few months back. Very badly behaved older boy, younger boy, useless husband with OCD...older boy in private school, totally spoiled, foreign holidays...
Zapped by MN after several threads for being a troll....

I wouldn't take him shopping on the way home from school. Then he's denied the opportunity to ask for anything. I would also explain to him, more than once if needed what is not acceptable and what happens if he does those things. Then if he acts up you apply the consequences. He's 8 OP, I can guarantee he's not saying to his teachers I'm not doing my maths you bitch. Can you imagine what would happen to him at school if he did. So he's learnt what's acceptable at school. Now you have to make sure he behaves properly at home. It will be a battle but if you don't do something he's going to get even worse.

Behaviour like that needs to have a consequence. If he decides to have a nap, then the consequences can be when he wakes up.

He's been spoiled rotten and it sounds like his dad is modelling for him that he can treat you badly and get away with it (if dad's dismissing your feelings, minimising your reliance on alcohol as a coping strategy and leaving the parenting to you).

It's important to address this now, before your mental health gets even more ground down and before your son goes from being a spoiled and aggressive 8 year old to being a spoiled and aggressive teenager and young man.

I found taking things away doesn't work.

Connection is everything, spend some time playing together, board games, UNO, whatever. Explain what is not acceptable when everyone is calm.

One particularly difficult time I just kept repeating 'It's my role to keep you safe, comfortable and give you opportunities to learn and play.' Then if we were at the supermarket I could say 'We're here because we need bread so we can be comfortable later when we want sandwiches '. It was pretty full on for a week but then my child totally relaxed and I guess they felt like they understood what was going on. Lots of cuddles too.
I hope that helps x

You've had a lot of input on various things so I'm just going to comment on the incident at the supermarket. I think when you see he is sulking and upset, it's perfectly possible to stay firm in your decsion but recognise his disappointment: I can see you are quite upset I said no, dis you really like those pens? Sort of thing. There is an excellent book that used to get recommended all the time on MN: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and Listen so Kids Will Talk). It's full of practical advice and clear guidance on what kinds of things to say in situations where Kids are acting in ways that are difficult without moving into massive and escalating conflict.

I used to drink daily and often quite a lot, OP, and now I don't (sometimes a bit at the weekend). It really is possible to knock that on the head and remeber it is a depressive so will make everything harder to deal with. The upset you are trying to soothe when you drink will just be there waiting for you when you wake up, so all you are doing is compounding your own misery with self loathing. Honestly life is so so so much more bearable without it. Good luck

4 foreign holidays over the 2 week Christmas break?