Page 5 | Sexist comment by older man in pub

BevMaker · 2024-12-01T22:26:16+00:00

Hi everyone Realy upset by this … take our 8 month old lab puppy to our local fairly often. She’s a regular. She’s still learning and will often pull away from us and sit in a ‘thoroughfare ’ so to speak. We always move her when we need to. Sat with my husband. An older man was trying to pass mid to late 60’s I’d say (I’m early 50’s) and I apologised and moved her . He said ‘typical woman, won’t do what you what them to to eh?’ Directed at me. I was not impressed at this sexist jibe so I gave him a look, Then he squeezed my shoulder as he went by. It all happened so fast and as he touched my shoulder I told him to not touch me fairly assertively … he took offence at this and said something derogatory about me to my husband which my husband said something along the lines of ‘ she’s fine sorry she’s over sensitive ‘ i was absolutely furious and really upset. I’ve challenged him about it now we are home (we were staying on in the pub for a quiz with friends - different side of pub to the weird man fortunately) and he says he maintains the man didn’t do anything wrong and the comment was ‘directed at the dog’ and not me, He says he can’t be expected to ‘have my back’ all the time or words to that effect . I’m appalled by his lack of support to me in this kind of situation Please help me out here guys.. AIBU?

5128gap · 02/12/2024 08:09

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 01/12/2024 23:26

Yeah but 35-40+ years ago, sexism, and men groping and leering, WAS more 'accepted' and women were told to STFU, and suck it up, and stop being a baby if they cried 'sexist!' Very few people gave a fuck pre 1990s, about men being sexist and handsy! I know. I was there as a girl/young woman growing up in the 1970s and 1980s ... It was shit. Especially in the workplace. Me AND many other women I knew were told to grow up and stop being a baby if we complained about a sexist or gropy sex pest of a man. Like 'deal with it sugar tits!'

It's different today thank GOD, and women don't have to put up with this shit now. Yeah, younger men are capable of being sexist and misogynistic, and some are, but older men - 55-60+ - are more likely to be bleating 'huh, bloody women! Women drivers! Get back in the kitchen!' Yes they really are, whether you cry 'ageist' or not.

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They are indeed. Somewhat balanced by the fact that some younger ones are always bleating 'you wanted equality' and using it as an excuse to introduce a whole new form of contempt for women. It's arguable which is worse, the open and blatant disrespect of the old sexists or the seething sly bitterness of the younger ones. Point being, there are sexist men in every generation. The old ones will make comments like this man. The young ones will be furiously tapping away in Internet forums.

bigkidatheart · 02/12/2024 08:09

Too many people getting too easily offended

Lurkingandlearning · 02/12/2024 08:19

And this a perfect example of why the “not all men” phrase pisses me off. Not all men are sexist, misogynistic or predatory but all men will ignore the men who are.

Women will never change the behaviour of sexist etc men because they don’t respect us so will never listen to what we say. They don’t give a fuck about what we say ,think or feel.

As shitty as it is, men like that will only change if they are shamed or inspired by other men to do so because they genuinely believe only men are worth listening to and only other men’s opinions of them count.

Franjipanl8r · 02/12/2024 08:29

People shouldn’t have to ask you to move your dog so they can walk around carrying drinks in a pub. I expect that’s why you got a jokey shitty comment. He was trying to be funny but was actually just pissed off. There are so many inconsiderate dog owners around now, it’s difficult not to build up resentment generally. Sounds like you took the brunt of it.

GreenWheat · 02/12/2024 08:33

Sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing. All of it.

harriethoyle · 02/12/2024 08:34

BevMaker · 01/12/2024 23:20

That’s actually made me now think twice about taking her out to the pub, I think i totally need to take this on board and leave her behind a bit more. Appreciate everyone’s candid comments .

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You also need to socialise her @BevMaker and taking ddog to a dog friendly space is an excellent way of doing that. Just keep her at your feet so she’s not in the way.

Original poster

BevMaker · 02/12/2024 09:24

Thunderpants88 · 02/12/2024 05:48

Yes he was sexist but you made
a drama out of it. You aren’t going to teach a sexist older man anything so drop the rope and roll your eyes.

and yes an 8 month old puppy is an obnoxious thing to bring to a pub and it got in peoples way

Obnoxious? No.
a drama, no .
but thank you for your opinion

OP posts:

Disturbia81 · 02/12/2024 10:26

Redwinedaze · 01/12/2024 22:54

It was aimed at woman and he was using the dog to make a point, I can’t believe people are not getting that?

I’d have said something along the lines of the poster who said make way for the sexist coming through also.

This!
Who cares if it was at the dog, he meant it at women.
And your husband saying that...
They can all fuck off 😂

jannier · 02/12/2024 12:00

theansweris42 · 02/12/2024 07:48

Why are people insisting the comment was aimed at the dog? OP says
He said ‘typical woman, won’t do what you what them to to eh?’ Directed at me.
The man didn't know the sex of the dog. The dog is irrelevant. He just enjoyed his opportunity to comment about women.

Maybe because op was the one holding the lead or trying to control the Bitch.

jannier · 02/12/2024 12:02

Lurkingandlearning · 02/12/2024 08:19

And this a perfect example of why the “not all men” phrase pisses me off. Not all men are sexist, misogynistic or predatory but all men will ignore the men who are.

Women will never change the behaviour of sexist etc men because they don’t respect us so will never listen to what we say. They don’t give a fuck about what we say ,think or feel.

As shitty as it is, men like that will only change if they are shamed or inspired by other men to do so because they genuinely believe only men are worth listening to and only other men’s opinions of them count.

And by saying all men will you are being equally sexist not all men anything just like not all women will agree/act/speak out.

Brefugee · 02/12/2024 12:06

your dog should be moved immediately it goes where it shouldn't. You shouldn't wait for someone to try to squeeze past, or make someone wait for you to react.

The sexist comment was stupid, but doesn't require an answer.
The squeeze? you just say "Don't touch me again" firmly

Your DH is being a male-appeasing twat. Tell him this.

But most of all: if your dog stays where it should, and you react immediately when it doesn't, you won't have anything like this happen again.

Brefugee · 02/12/2024 12:12

SnoopySantaPaws · 01/12/2024 23:35

I liked the world better when a squeeze of the shoulder wasn't a bad thing.

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i like the world WAY better now people have to think twice before touching me, and when they do touch me and i tell them to stop, most of the time they apologise.

When i see dogs do things that their owner doesn't want to, i usually say "oh one word of command from you and it does what it likes". Situationally dependent, if the dog is in my way, slobbering on me or getting me covered with hair i can be very direct about how instantly it must stop.

My DH doesn't say shit like OPs does, though, so that's good.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 02/12/2024 12:21

Franjipanl8r · 02/12/2024 08:29

People shouldn’t have to ask you to move your dog so they can walk around carrying drinks in a pub. I expect that’s why you got a jokey shitty comment. He was trying to be funny but was actually just pissed off. There are so many inconsiderate dog owners around now, it’s difficult not to build up resentment generally. Sounds like you took the brunt of it.

This is probably accurate. I come across so many shitty dog owners these days, that my default response is to be pissed off.

A pub is a space for humans. If you bring your dog, you need to make sure that it is not in the way of other people trying to have a drink. People should not have to ask you to move your dog, or wait for your dog to get out of the way before they can walk across the pub. If you can't keep your dog under the table and out of the way, it shouldn't be there.

crackfoxy · 02/12/2024 12:23

Stop being overly offended! The man was talking about the dog, yes it's rude but move the dog out of the way! Just smile and move on. The man obviously knew he'd upset you so squeezed your shoulder as an apology perhaps. You sound hard work. Sorry OP I'm with your husband.

Honeycrisp · 02/12/2024 12:27

He was right to be pissed off with you, because you clearly are not moving your dog out of the way when needed. Stop letting it get in the way.

He was wrong to be sexist and ought instead to have been critical of both of you, not just you, for being an entitled dickhead dog owner.

And your DH is also in the wrong for what he said in response.

BobbyBiscuits · 02/12/2024 12:30

You and your husband should both have laughed it off and thought he was a sexist pig. I do think he was talking about the dog. The idea that a women want to do what someone like him said is obviously utterly laughable.
I wouldn't said 'omg that's well sexist'. Directed at him, but still in a semi light-hearted way.
Your husband shouldn't have minimised it for sure. The guy was an arsehole. But he clearly wasn't actually trying to nasty.

PuddlesPityParty · 02/12/2024 12:40

jannier · 02/12/2024 12:00

Maybe because op was the one holding the lead or trying to control the Bitch.

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Presumably she said the dogs name to start moving them out the way and he realised it was a female? In no world was he talking about OP.

PuddlesPityParty · 02/12/2024 12:41

crackfoxy · 02/12/2024 12:23

Stop being overly offended! The man was talking about the dog, yes it's rude but move the dog out of the way! Just smile and move on. The man obviously knew he'd upset you so squeezed your shoulder as an apology perhaps. You sound hard work. Sorry OP I'm with your husband.

I agree. At the end of the day OP if you didn’t like what he said then you should’ve called it out, not your husband.

SnoopySantaPaws · 02/12/2024 17:51

Brefugee · 02/12/2024 12:12

i like the world WAY better now people have to think twice before touching me, and when they do touch me and i tell them to stop, most of the time they apologise.

When i see dogs do things that their owner doesn't want to, i usually say "oh one word of command from you and it does what it likes". Situationally dependent, if the dog is in my way, slobbering on me or getting me covered with hair i can be very direct about how instantly it must stop.

My DH doesn't say shit like OPs does, though, so that's good.

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That's great if it makes you happy. Personally it was a nicer world when it had more warmth, it's your shoulder not your boobs, but 💁🏻‍♀️

that's quite an 'off' response to someone doing their best with their puppy it's impatient & lacks kindness but you're happy with that, so....

Original poster

BevMaker · 02/12/2024 18:16

Westofeasttoday · 02/12/2024 07:59

Yeah this is interesting because my first thought was why wouldn’t you stand up for yourself and not wait for your husband to ‘defend you’.

You were offended by the sexist comment and don’t see the irony in the sexism of needing your husband to come to your defence.

You said he was older and while not okay I think a bit of generational forgiveness would have been okay here instead of needing to immediately take offence and be angry. He squeezed your shoulder to make the situation okay (clearly went about it the wrong way) because you took offence and gave him a dirty look.

Again, I really think once the comment was made you make a comment back and the whole thing would probably have been laughed off.

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I told him not to touch me straight away actually

OP posts:

Westofeasttoday · 02/12/2024 18:18

BevMaker · 02/12/2024 18:16

I told him not to touch me straight away actually

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Cool. Then no need at all for your husband to step in as you had it handled.

Westofeasttoday · 02/12/2024 18:23

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 02/12/2024 12:21

This is probably accurate. I come across so many shitty dog owners these days, that my default response is to be pissed off.

A pub is a space for humans. If you bring your dog, you need to make sure that it is not in the way of other people trying to have a drink. People should not have to ask you to move your dog, or wait for your dog to get out of the way before they can walk across the pub. If you can't keep your dog under the table and out of the way, it shouldn't be there.

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It’s okay they kept the puppy (who unless is the worlds smartest dog would have no recall or training ) in a thoroughfare.

i think upon reflection this is a case of I did something wrong, got called out for it , didn’t like what the person said and how I am offended.

What if the guys wasn’t looking and tripped, fell and hurt himself? Can happen if you are holding say three pints and concentrating on not spilling and certainly not watching for a puppy.

Original poster

BevMaker · 02/12/2024 18:27

Westofeasttoday · 02/12/2024 18:23

It’s okay they kept the puppy (who unless is the worlds smartest dog would have no recall or training ) in a thoroughfare.

i think upon reflection this is a case of I did something wrong, got called out for it , didn’t like what the person said and how I am offended.

What if the guys wasn’t looking and tripped, fell and hurt himself? Can happen if you are holding say three pints and concentrating on not spilling and certainly not watching for a puppy.

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She wasn’t ‘kept’ in the thoroughway
we keep her close to us by our table - she is most definitely not a trip hazard
But she does have a tendency to try to edge away from the table and when she does we pull her back .

OP posts:

Original poster

BevMaker · 02/12/2024 18:28

theansweris42 · 02/12/2024 07:32

Leaving aside the placement of the pup, the man was wrong to make a sexist comment (fuck off!) - him being older or whatever doesn't justify it.
And DH was just unsupportive and also sexist. Oversensitive!! This kind of thinking is why women do not get believed when they complain about unacceptable behaviour.
My DH would probably have said the same or similar OP and I would furious and he wouldn't get it.

It wouldn't have to be a punch up or a duel, why can't men just say
"that's a sexist/crappy/outdated/unwarranted comment, it's not OK" or something and then with the touching, just show support - "no I don't like strangers to touch me either".
All we ask is that they be on our side and not that of the (stranger!) fellow man, by default.
Humph. Team OP.

Thank you , much appreciated

OP posts:

AgnesX · 02/12/2024 18:32

You could have just moved the dog out of the way and ignored the man's smart remarks.

As for your DH he should have kept out of it altogether..

Sexist comment by older man in pub

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