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Original poster

Sexist comment by older man in pub

145 replies

BevMaker · 01/12/2024 22:26

Hi everyone
Realy upset by this … take our 8 month old lab puppy to our local fairly often. She’s a regular.
She’s still learning and will often pull away from us and sit in a ‘thoroughfare ’ so to speak. We always move her when we need to. Sat with my husband. An older man was trying to pass mid to late 60’s I’d say (I’m early 50’s) and I apologised and moved her . He said ‘typical woman, won’t do what you what them to to eh?’ Directed at me.
I was not impressed at this sexist jibe so I gave him a look, Then he squeezed my shoulder as he went by. It all happened so fast and as he touched my shoulder I told him to not touch me fairly assertively … he took offence at this and said something derogatory about me to my husband which my husband said something along the lines of ‘ she’s fine sorry she’s over sensitive ‘
i was absolutely furious and really upset.
I’ve challenged him about it now we are home (we were staying on in the pub for a quiz with friends - different side of pub to the weird man fortunately) and he says he maintains the man didn’t do anything wrong and the comment was ‘directed at the dog’ and not me, He says he can’t be expected to ‘have my back’ all the time or words to that effect .
I’m appalled by his lack of support to me in this kind of situation
Please help me out here guys.. AIBU?

OP posts:
fishyrumour · 02/12/2024 07:10

SallyWD · 02/12/2024 06:52

I couldn't get worked up about the comment. I hear women make sexist "Typical men" jokes all the time. The other day, my friend said her dog was very disobedient, just like most men she knew.
I wouldn't like the shoulder touch. Your DH was being a typical embarrassed British person.
All in all, a storm in a teacup.

Really? I can't remember hearing a woman making a sexist remark to a guy then to his wife about him then the wife doubling down on it while the woman patronisingly squeezes the man's shoulder.

We're all supposed to have as sense of humour about this kind of shit. Nah. I don't want random men touching me, especially in such a condescending context. Sick of women telling other women to be kind, get a sense of humour. No: men should stop patronising women.

OP while I wouldn't expect your husband to challenge him to a duel, equally I wouldn't expect him to join in. Infuriating.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/12/2024 07:15

username358 · 01/12/2024 22:29

He was sexist but I think his comment was directed at the dog. He shouldn't have touched you and your husband shouldn't have belittled you like that.

This.

Deathraystare · 02/12/2024 07:18

I think when he said women don't do as they are told, I would have replied "And men never listen".

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Behaviour & development
custardpyjamas · 02/12/2024 07:19

The joke is a very old one and not very funny, the touch on the shoulder is more common in some communities than others, some northerners particularly are more touchy. He was in some ways minimising the irritation of not being able to get past your dog, rather than say what he was really thinking which was probably more like get that bleep bleep dog out of the way and keep the bleeping thing under control. Your DH was probably more aware of that than you were.

Neveragain35 · 02/12/2024 07:23

Ugh… I really hate this thing of men thinking it’s ok to touch women in public places. I was waiting outside the loo in a pub the other day and a man walked past me to get to the men’s toilet (plenty of room) and just put his hands on my waist as he walked by. I was too taken aback to say anything, good on you for speaking up!

Your DH is also a dick for apologising for you- I would be livid!

mellongoose · 02/12/2024 07:24

Lordy everyone is over sensitive!! Annoying comment by the man but hardly worth getting upset over.

Yes, (to PP) dogs belong in pubs!

I wish everyone would be more tolerant of each other and their daft ways!

AloneLike · 02/12/2024 07:25

Your dog had got in his way, inconveniencing him - he made a lighthearted quip about it - non-issue.

Unasked for squeezing of shoulder - unpleasant and you were right to say something.

I don't think you need your husband to fight your battles for you - you can't really complain about the man being sexist and then do the whole 'but you did nothing to defend my honour' damsel in distress piece with your husband.

jannier · 02/12/2024 07:27

Scamilton · 01/12/2024 22:35

Sounds like he was talking about the dog but strange to assume the dog is a female hence the wont do as she's told joke.

As for the exchange between the men, what would you have preferred? An Andrew Tate defending your honour duel?!

Oh and this is MN, most of us dont want to see dogs inside a pub so sympathy will be scant especially parking the thing in a thoroughfare.

It's not hard to work out the sex of a dog.

curious79 · 02/12/2024 07:29

Honestly, I get your total annoyance at this comment. This is the classic everyday sexism that is just a nightmare for women. It’s the kind of thing my father would say. As well as ignore me and ask my husband for an opinion instead, or stay seated while there’s loads of clearing and washing to do the list goes on.
But it was in a pub, your dog was in the way. If your husband had said something, it would’ve turned into an incident. Did you really want that?

curious79 · 02/12/2024 07:29

Obviously what your husband should’ve said was ‘yeah he was being a dick, but I just didn’t want to cause a scene. Are you okay?’ Rather than the casual brush off.

ChristmasCarnage · 02/12/2024 07:30

The comment was a bit sexist and I think he squeezed your shoulder to demonstrate he was only joking/didn’t mean to offend you, which he shouldn’t really have done, but you did massively overreact.

theansweris42 · 02/12/2024 07:32

Leaving aside the placement of the pup, the man was wrong to make a sexist comment (fuck off!) - him being older or whatever doesn't justify it.
And DH was just unsupportive and also sexist. Oversensitive!! This kind of thinking is why women do not get believed when they complain about unacceptable behaviour.
My DH would probably have said the same or similar OP and I would furious and he wouldn't get it.

It wouldn't have to be a punch up or a duel, why can't men just say
"that's a sexist/crappy/outdated/unwarranted comment, it's not OK" or something and then with the touching, just show support - "no I don't like strangers to touch me either".
All we ask is that they be on our side and not that of the (stranger!) fellow man, by default.
Humph. Team OP.

jannier · 02/12/2024 07:32

BevMaker · 01/12/2024 23:13

We came third . Won’t be returning, with or without dog.

Show quote history

So your not returning because you came third or because of one customer? Odd.....surely at 50 this has happened so many times you can't have anywhere you go anymore.....I could understand it if your husband had stood up for you and got into a fight but one comment wow.
Do we all never say things like typical man can't even boil an egg? There is a lot of male stereotyping on MN that is just as bad.

Ilovelurchers · 02/12/2024 07:33

Those of you criticising OP for taking her dog to a pub - you do know there are dog friendly pubs and others which don't allow dogs?

Those wishing to avoid dogs can drink at the latter?

I can't see OP was unreasonable for this - she stuck to the rules made by the owners of the pub.

TENSsion · 02/12/2024 07:35

ChristmasCarnage · 02/12/2024 07:30

The comment was a bit sexist and I think he squeezed your shoulder to demonstrate he was only joking/didn’t mean to offend you, which he shouldn’t really have done, but you did massively overreact.

Yeah.
That’s what it would mean in Yorkshire.

Ilovelurchers · 02/12/2024 07:38

MaidOfSteel · 02/12/2024 06:17

If only some of us weren't terrified of dogs. Or allergic.

Leave your dogs at home, folks, please.

Show quote history

Or, with respect, maybe you need to go to pubs that don't allow dogs?

I have a tarantula phobia so I stay out of the tarantula house in the zoo.

I can understand you arguing that more pubs shouldn't allow dogs. That's a reasonable view. But not that dog owners can't take their dog to a place the explicitly welcomes dogs, through the pub owners choice.

saraclara · 02/12/2024 07:40

ChristmasCarnage · 02/12/2024 07:30

The comment was a bit sexist and I think he squeezed your shoulder to demonstrate he was only joking/didn’t mean to offend you, which he shouldn’t really have done, but you did massively overreact.

That my take, too.

There are lots of sexist things that infuriate me, but I wouldn't have let this wind me up.

Sassybooklover · 02/12/2024 07:41

The comment was aimed at the dog, not you and was meant in humour. The squeezing of the shoulder, that was out of order - no one should be touching you. Your husband, was correct in one way, as the comment wasn't aimed at you but he should have still supported you. However, would you have wanted him to cause a scene in your local pub? It sounds to me, as if he didn't want to get into a confrontation, and tried to minimise the incident to defuse it. If you must take your puppy to the pub, then try and make sure she's not in the way of other people. The incident wouldn't have happened at all, if your dog had been under the table etc.

theansweris42 · 02/12/2024 07:48

Why are people insisting the comment was aimed at the dog? OP says
He said ‘typical woman, won’t do what you what them to to eh?’ Directed at me.
The man didn't know the sex of the dog. The dog is irrelevant. He just enjoyed his opportunity to comment about women.

Suhbataar · 02/12/2024 07:56

I think you massively overreacted.

The comment was him trying to make light of the situation. People do this when you've inconvenienced them to show they're not upset. Yes, he could have chosen better words but it wasn't personal and I imagine he was expecting a jokey comeback. It's a pub!

A shoulder squeeze is usually a 'no harm intended ' gesture. Clearly misjudged in this instance, but it would not have bothered me nor many others I suspect. And it's not sexist/sexual; a woman might have done the same.

I reckon your H was embarrassed but should have handled it better. And I'd keep the dog under the table or at home.

BilboBlaggin · 02/12/2024 07:58

Eyresandgraces · 01/12/2024 23:18

So you’re being ageist - that’s ok is it?
I’m mid 60’s and didn’t appreciate sexist remarks 40 years ago.
You do realise that it’s my generation that really fought against sexism. Honestly we’re not fucking dinosaurs.

Show quote history

LOL, I'm early 60s, so I'm the same generation.

What I was alluding to - probably badly - is that when this guy was a young man, sexist talk/wolf whistling etc was commonplace, and women didn't have the laws or protections that we have nowadays. I didn't appreciate sexist remarks either, but suffered a lot of them firsthand. This particular man has likely not evolved his thinking from those days. Either that or he's just a bellend.

Westofeasttoday · 02/12/2024 07:59

Scamilton · 01/12/2024 22:35

Sounds like he was talking about the dog but strange to assume the dog is a female hence the wont do as she's told joke.

As for the exchange between the men, what would you have preferred? An Andrew Tate defending your honour duel?!

Oh and this is MN, most of us dont want to see dogs inside a pub so sympathy will be scant especially parking the thing in a thoroughfare.

Yeah this is interesting because my first thought was why wouldn’t you stand up for yourself and not wait for your husband to ‘defend you’.

You were offended by the sexist comment and don’t see the irony in the sexism of needing your husband to come to your defence.

You said he was older and while not okay I think a bit of generational forgiveness would have been okay here instead of needing to immediately take offence and be angry. He squeezed your shoulder to make the situation okay (clearly went about it the wrong way) because you took offence and gave him a dirty look.

Again, I really think once the comment was made you make a comment back and the whole thing would probably have been laughed off.

Pumpkincozynights · 02/12/2024 08:06

He was sexiest and he absolutely should not have touched you. I don’t agree with dogs getting in the way either. Your dh should not have belittled you. I can’t think of any situation where my dh would have responded to that.
As for the man’s age, no men that age are not all sexist pigs, just some men.
Next time tell your dh you are not taking the dog, if he wants to he can be responsible for it after what happened last time you took it.

Fedupwithteenagers24 · 02/12/2024 08:06

Ilovelurchers · 02/12/2024 07:38

Or, with respect, maybe you need to go to pubs that don't allow dogs?

I have a tarantula phobia so I stay out of the tarantula house in the zoo.

I can understand you arguing that more pubs shouldn't allow dogs. That's a reasonable view. But not that dog owners can't take their dog to a place the explicitly welcomes dogs, through the pub owners choice.

Show quote history

Everywhere welcomes dogs now!
If I see a cafe or pub that says no dogs allowed I would be in it like a shot.

napody · 02/12/2024 08:09

sprigatito · 01/12/2024 23:22

I would have curled my lip at the sexist idiot and his "joke", but I'd be raging about your DH apologising for you like that. He completely humiliated his wife because he's a gutless weed. Deeply unattractive.

This. The blokes comment was typical pub dickhead ... there's always some about thinking they're witty.
Your husband?? I'd be raging. So dismissive. So