My mum came out as lesbian after 20 years of marriage

[Anonymous2003]

That's it really. She came out a year ago, my parents separated and she has been dating a much younger woman. I still live at home, with my dad. My whole family is still struggling massively but it sometimes seems like my mum feels like she has no remorse. I am just so down and angry and wanted to get this off my chest somewhere.

Sorry as you quoted me I did edit my post to put in brackets that while I don't know if it;s the case, if she had known for a long time that she was a lesbian that would be even more reason to be empathetic to their feelings (although it doesn't change she should be anyway because divorce is very traumatic).

Just highlighting that as you quoted based on my original response and not the edit!

I haven't been talking about your daughters. Based on what you have posted about your situation, and what is in the OP they are not remotely the same

I get that you and your daughters feel upset, angry, betrayed and devastated. I get it. In your shoes i would be no different. But this is not the same situation and you doing your best to equate them is not helping anyone at all. Least of all your family.

this is a very good point. We don't know, of course, much of the circs of what happened.

I would hope that OPs mum is at least in contact and trying to understand OPs POV? Family therapy may help? individual therapy may help?

My mum and dad split when I was a teenager my mum then met another woman. I stayed with my dad. I hated the gossip and other kids were mean to me, but at the end of the day I still loved my mum and that won’t ever change. My mum and dad were together 23 years.

your mum may never of felt accepted in so settled for the normality and had a family then society became more accepting and your mum didn’t want to live a life she wasn’t 100% happy with so changed it.

i hope you see that your mum loves you and remorse doesn’t come into it in my opinion.

It isn't clear from the OP whether her mum was seeing her current partner before she left her dad. Many pps have made good points about sexuality being complicated but on the other hand it also must be devastating to have your wife tell you she is a lesbian as you must question your whole marriage and whether she ever really loved you. A man is just as likely to be devastated by this as a woman (if her husband comes out as gay) especially if they thought the marriage was sound.

It seems to me that what the OP is finding hard is the fact that her mum seems to be enjoying her life without any thought to the misery felt by her ex-husband and also the effect their separation had on their children.

Yes it must be horrible to have to repress your sexuality but I don't think it's clear in this case that that is what happened. As other pps have said OP's mum may not have been happy in her relationship for reasons other than her sexuality.

At the end of the day any divorce is upsetting for the children whether they are adults or not. I don't think there are enough facts here to understand whether her mum was deliberately deceiving her dad or whether it wasn't actually like that at all.

I don't think most of the people here would be even half as sanguine if this was their mum.

I would feel bad enough for the parent that was left for another person, but it's the living a lie that makes it worse. Whether it's "my business" or not, this is my mum. You can't separate the actions and say "she's my mum so I love her regardless but because she's only my mum I have no opinion on her and my dad's relationship".

Well this is what I said above. It’s very much on an individual basis as to whether deceit taken place. Did she know all along? Some people genuinely don’t. Was she trying to force herself to be straight? Being gay has only just become socially acceptable. She may find herself feeling more compassionate than angry, eventually. When she feels ready. I’m not painting the mother out here to be the victim I’m just saying it can be more complicated than someone being deliberately deceitful. It also depends on how her mum has behaved since! Which has nothing to do with sexuality but empathy and kindness.

I doubt the responses on this thread would be quite as sympathetic, if it was her dad who came out as gay. There would be no words strong enough.

Indeed.

I get what the OP is going through. Not many PPS do.

I have compassion for the OP, her father and their family.

Exactly. People that do this waste other peoples lives and make them live a lie, it doesn’t matter if they’re male or female. Some people just think that to not appear homophobic, they must support anyone who comes out as gay regardless of the circumstances. When you are fucking over a partner and children, when you have made them think their life with you was something it wasn’t, you don’t get to be told how brave and fab you are.

Thank you. Got it in one.

This exactly. The onus is always on the partner left behind who was honest about their sexuality to be all gracious and forgiving and even cheer their ex on for “living their truth”

Hi everyone, I have been totally overwhelmed with the number of comments, some nice and some not so nice. I didn't expect my situation to gather so much interest. I was going to post more information but decided the whole thing is way too complex to give an accurate story in a website message so I've decided not to. Thank you to the people who sent love and support, I appreciate it.

There is no indication in the original post that she was living a lie though. People (and sexualities) can change. It doesn't mean that what came before wasn't also true and that she was in love with OP's dad.

all the best, OP 🌺 take care of yourself