My mum came out as lesbian after 20 years of marriage

[Anonymous2003]

That's it really. She came out a year ago, my parents separated and she has been dating a much younger woman. I still live at home, with my dad. My whole family is still struggling massively but it sometimes seems like my mum feels like she has no remorse. I am just so down and angry and wanted to get this off my chest somewhere.

Just to add, your Mum is probably bisexual. I'm sure she probably was in love with your Dad earlier on in their relationship. Sadly, people change and grow apart over time and they split up. I would guess that your Mum probably had experiences with women/feelings for women when she was a lot younger, but didn't progress this as it just wasn't so acceptable to be gay at the time as it is now.

Remorseful for what exactly?
She wasn't in love with your dad, realisie actually she likes women instead and has tried to make herself happy. What has she done wrong?

Are you going to come back to the thread OP?

I'm interested in why you are angry? Sad I can understand - but would you really want your Mum to continue in an unhappy marriage?

Women should remember this if their husbands walk over another man. They just want to be happy. Nothing wrong with it.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre no, and I am sorry you read it that way.

My actual points were firstly, that the fact she previously loved a man, does not preclude her falling in love with a woman,

and secondly that the OP’s mum & dad are actually whole people, not merely a role, and their ( mum & dad’s ) relationship is actually their business, sadly, however that may hurt the Op.

😂

Also, imagine the responses on here if this was the OP's father leaving for another man. We've seen the vitriol delivered towards men that have.

MN double standards at its finest!

there are some weird reactions here. Who knows why?

In general when someone within a marriage wants to end it, they should be able to do that. They should take care to minimise the impact on any children, and possibly also their spouse.

there is a MASSIVE difference between having a fling and abandoning a young family, knowing you're gay/bi/trans and lying so that you can cover your tracks or whatever, or waiting until your children are adults and then ending things. There are infinite possiblities here.

In this particular case, i think that OPs mum may possibly have waited (we don't know) and chose her time carefully. Or not. Who knows?

😂

Good for her, making herself happy instead of staying for others and living a lie.

My ex waited until our daughters were in their 20s. For the last 6 years of our 30 year marriage he had been in a same sex relationship with another man but hid it so well none of us suspected. Since our divorce he has made no effort to remain on good terms with his daughters nor his young grandsons. The eldest daughter used to be the apple of his eye. She is still angry over his betrayal and lies.
I am appalled by some MN posters who just think lies and betrayals are ok so long as the person leaving the family is happy in their new life.

One of my closest friends is now married to a woman having been previously married to a man and having 3 children ( he was abusive and ended up in prison) obviously they got divorced. If you were to ask my friend she doesn’t label herself gay or bi she just happened to fall in love with a woman, her kids late primary / early secondary age really adore their mum’s new partner esp after what their dad put them all through. Maybe that’s okay though because her ex’s behaviour “made her gay”.
edited to say She never had an affair while married.

I agree with a lot of the posts here in support for your mum, whether it goes against the grain or not.
My mum told me many years ago, that on her wedding day to my dad, she didn't want to go through with it, but didn't want to let her dad down, as everything was all arranged and he was bursting with pride.
I wasn't planned, they didn't want children, but they had me 8 years after they married and they separated 8 years after I was born.
They were two different people, with totally seperate requirements from a marriage.
I think my mum did love my dad, she just wasn't in love with him. And I could see once he left and got on with his life, that my mum was so much happier. There were faults both sides, but I loved them both equally. Right up to and beyond both their passing. (Both heterosexual, btw).
My point is people can feel tied into a marriage for all sorts of reasons. In this case, add into that, the underlying situation of feeling like you're not who you are truly meant to be, it must be an awful feeling.
However hard and hurtful it is for you all, a year has passed and it sounds like your mum is happy. She hasn't duped anyone, things like this weren't expressed at the time your mum probably got together with your dad, due to shame, generational misunderstanding, fear of losing family and friends, the list goes on.
At the end of the day, she's your mum, she's happy and her sexuality shouldn't be an issue. Your parents, as people have rightly said, are people in their own rights.
And if you had a happy upbringing, while the family were a unit, that means more than anything.
I know it's hard and easy for me to say, but try and stay neutral and see and treat your parents in their own light, rather than just a mum and dad.
Hope you can get past all this, wishing you the best 🌷

Imagine being your poor mum pretending to be something she wasn't for all that time I'd say the woman is relieved to finally be able to be herself . Kind of sad when you think about it living all those years with that weighing in her , you have to think of her happiness. She is still your mum no matter what you should want her to be as happy as possible as I'm sure she wants for you in your future .

People saying she fooled her dad or lived a lie or duped him, remember coming to terms with your sexuality is often a complex path for many. She may not have even realised she was gay until recently. It isn’t about fooling someone or living a lie. It will be a bit of a grieving process for you all because your family has been split up but try to not think of your mum as someone who has fooled you all. I imagine that’s where your anger is coming from. It may be helpful to have a proper chat with her about her sexuality and her journey to get to where she is.

That's as maybe but from the Ops and her Dad,s point of view it's,going ti come as a big shock ,and they are allowed to have feelings about that
I have been married 19 years if my dh turned around and said I'm sorry but I have realised I'm gay and I can't live with you, i would be hugely shocked and upset .

I asked my friend who left her H after over 25 years of marriage and 1 DD for another woman if she had known she was a Lesbian before.
She said absolutely not but she fell in love with someone who happened to be a woman.
(Not justifying affairs by the way)

Of course, any normal person would be shocked and upset. I definitely understand the anger too. You can’t carry anger around forever as it’s draining so maybe part of the healing process for her is to try and understand her mum’s journey.

I think this is one of those really sad situations where everyone is entitled to their feelings and all feelings will be reasonable and understandable.

I'm sure your mum has a lot of complex feelings about this. I think if I was in her shoes I'd feel maybe liberated to some extent that I could be fully myself and have the confidence to do it openly, and at the same time I'd not regret my marriage because it led to my children and probably a lot of happy and loving memories. It may be that she's been waiting until she felt her family were old enough to understand. It may be that she is bisexual. It may be that she's never let herself process or explore her sexuality because of the social stigmas. It could be that she knew but wanted to have a family and really thought it would be enough to be with your dad. You won't really know until you've had some time with this and can talk to her openly about it. And that might not be for right now and that is OK.

She's going to be in a very different place than you with this and that doesn't invalidate your feelings in any way. You're entitled to feel all of the things you describe. It's something that's maybe been a long time coming for her but it's very new and confusing for everyone else. So allow yourself the time to adjust and process. To take the space you need and to ask the questions you need to. I'd recommend counselling so you've a neutral place to figure this out and be heard without having to think about all of the opinions and feelings everyone else close to you is having about it all.

I agree with others that sexuality is a journey and can take time to understand and life would have been very different and less supportive for your mum were she "coming out" years ago. There's probably conversations you need to have with her to help you understand it all but you've time. You don't need to rush anything.

It's much too early for the OP to 'understand her mum's journey'. She needs time to grieve first. My DDs understood their father had actually been gay all his life but the deceit was a killer.

No you can't but it's been a year that's still a short space of time ,to get your head around this.

gosh i feel for you. There is no indication in the OP that there was any lying or betrayal.

although i do believe that betrayal is in the most part in the eye of the person on the receiving end if you know what i mean.

If there is more from OP, that there was an affair, that she did lie, that she has been an utter shit since it all happened, i would have a different opinion. But on the face of it? i stand by my thoughts that people should be happy.

Well have to agree to disagree then
You haven't walked in my or my daughters shoes.

Even if some people think remorse is the wrong word, I'd say at the very least she should have some understanding of the effect their divorce has had on her family (unsure whether she has known for a long time or not, obviously the latter is even more reason to show some empathy).

Instead it looks like she doesn't care, as long as she's 'living her best life'. That's the problem. Not the fact she is a lesbian.

Exactly, and it's not homophobic to say that!

it's really common - see Hebden Bridge for details 😂