My mum came out as lesbian after 20 years of marriage

[Anonymous2003]

That's it really. She came out a year ago, my parents separated and she has been dating a much younger woman. I still live at home, with my dad. My whole family is still struggling massively but it sometimes seems like my mum feels like she has no remorse. I am just so down and angry and wanted to get this off my chest somewhere.

Not necessarily. Such actions could have come from a place of pure selfishness - you can't possibly presume to know what she was feeling and what motivated her.

I'm sorry you are finding it so hard.

Your mum has the right to find happiness with the right person or in identifying her sexuality after what might have been a struggle, but it sounds as though she has done this in an insensitive way?

Any child might be upset by their parents splitting and one finding a new partner and then behaving in a way which seems inconsiderate.

Or do you feel this has changed her as a person and you are having difficulty with that?

Most young people don’t see their parents as people in their own right and think they are there entirely to serve their needs. So this is likely to seem like a slap in the face. She’s a person too though and she has as much right to be happy as you do.

She doesn’t need to feel remorse because she hasn’t done the wrong thing by leaving a marriage she had been unhappy in.

The assertions on this thread that she hid this or duped your father are unfounded - the reality is that many people still need decades to accept their sexuality and what it will mean to come out. Pretending that being gay is no big deal to everyone is absurd, and people who marry young in particular may have never explored their own sexuality.

But none of that means your sadness and anger at the changes in your family aren’t ok to feel, and I think those naturally need time and effort to work through. Journaling or writing letters that you don’t send can help. Asking your mum to help you understand the process she’s gone through can help. Counseling alone or with your mum can help. But honestly one of the biggest factors will probably be time - your dad, you, and any other family members building new routines and relationships and moving on with life.

The future you had in your mind is no longer and you are feeling that loss of control. I do feel for you, and suggest some counselling for yourself if you are feeling so angry and down. It is easier to change your own reaction to events than to try to change others.

Realistically, if their relationship had broken down, what should your Mum have done? Expecting her to stay in a miserable marriage isn’t fair on anyone, not least your dad. She may have waited until you were an adult with exams behind you and more independence, to minimise the effect on you.

This is a sensible post, Please take this on board.

Absolutely, and this message should be relayed to all the devasted women who post here about their dp/dh leaving them, and rapidly hooking up with someone else. How amazing they are for leaving someone they dont love and 'You should be so happy they're happy'!!

Good for your mother. She probably followed a path in life dictated by societal norms and has finally broken out of it before it is too late for her. Sad for her husband of course. No winners but at least the truth is now out there and everyone can move on.
The gay people I know have all had to live a large part of their life as lies, only coming out much later.

No remorse because she didn’t do anything wrong? It would be wrong to stay in a marriage she wasnt happy in. That wouldn't be fair to her or your father?

As for the comments on being “duped” and “living a lie” … I am bisexual and ended up married to a man who i love dearly. Should we ever separate and i decide to pursue a new relationship that could be with a man OR a woman…. Have i duped my husband or lived a lie? Absolutely not….

you can be upset at your parents marriage breaking down of course…. You cannot be unhappy with your mums choice of partner.

Compulsory heterosexuality is a thing.
Straight is the default.
Growing up in the 70s and 80s there were few gay or lesbian representations on tv or in real life (depending on where you live I suppose).
Many women marry, have children, fully believe that this is their life and they’re happy, but as you go through marriage very often you realise it’s not all rosy, women tend to have the shittier end of the stick in marriages and the bulk of parenting and dull housework falls to them , and at some point the scales fall off their eyes, opening them up to different possibilities that they were literally blind to before. Their lesbianity, with hindsight, was there all along, but they didn’t have the ability to recognise it.

I remember being in my 20s and not really seeing my parents as whole people in their own right. It’s only now I’m their age with adult children and I still feel the same as I did back then. It’s difficult seeing your parents acting like normal flawed humans when you think they’re different.

Society has a really low view of women who come out as lesbian in later life, more so than men who come out later. I don’t know why, maybe it’s misogyny (it’s very likely to be misogyny). Women are held to such high standards, ones that can’t possibly be upheld indefinitely.

Your mother has every right to live her life as she chooses. I hope you can come to terms with it at some point, but I suspect you won’t fully understand how she feels until you’ve reached her age and either experience what an unfulfilling marriage can do, or you’ll see friends going through it.

Agree with everyone else - not everyone knows they're gay earlier. It doesn't mean your dad was duped.

I'm a lesbian. I was born in the 90's, and I didn't even entertain the thought I was gay until my early 20's, and that's only now from living in a time where there are lots of gay people on TV etc.

When I was at school, there were very few gay people in the public eye. There was one gay boy at school. I didn't know any gay couples. I had boyfriends, but never truly fancied them or understood it really. I just did it because it's what everyone else did. I just thought that's how it was, and that's how everyone felt. I then went through a phase of thinking I was A-sexual or that there was something wrong with me, because I just didn't get it when other friends talked about sex.

Then I went to university where most people are liberal and people experiment. I met gay people, and for the first time, it felt like an option. Everything started to make sense. But it took a long time for me to accept it and tell people. Even in modern times, people do still sometimes double take when they see you holding hands with another woman. And coming out to my parents, who were actively homophobic, was damn hard.

What I'm saying is, your mum may not have known. For your mum growing up, being a lesbian definitely won't have been an option, and society was actively far more homophobic. It's only really in the last 20 years we've progressed a lot. Don't forget the hysteria around Aids was in the not so distant past. She may have had a sense something was 'off' with her relationship, but may not have known what.

But that's not to say she didn't love your dad. Love and attraction aren't always the same.

It's hard to explain if you're not gay, but it genuinely just wasn't an option for me growing up, and it certainly won't have been for your mum. Straight was the default. It's not as straight forward as 'you always know'. I didn't. A lot of middle aged gay women have been married to men.

It's totally okay to feel sad/angry/hurt, OP. Your feelings are your feelings. But I'd also encourage you to chat to your mum and her experiences with her sexuality, if you have that kind of relationship.

Also people on this thread acting like being gay is no big deal have no idea. Homophobia is still alive and well, and it certainly was in the past. My dad told me I was vile when I came out, and expected me to not hold my gf's hand in case any neighbours saw. I'm still very careful who I mention my wife to die to negative reactions, and coming out in the workplace for me personally is very stressful.

Some people just fall in love with someone of the same sex. It can happen to anyone, feelings change.

OP, there is nothing your mother should feel remorse for as she hasn’t done anything wrong. I can understand you feel upset the family has broken up but she is entitled to live her life as she wishes. It will take time for everyone to adjust and I hope you can get some support until you do.

I think the "no remorse" thing really depends on whether or not she knew she was a lesbian throughout the marriage and was actively lying to your father? Was she cheating on him with women? Or did she come to realise that she was a lesbian and ended the marriage once she knew and did it as soon as she could?

It's entirely possible it also incredibly upsetting for her. To come to the realisation that she's not the person she thought. The internalised homophobia, breaking up a relationship that was good in so many ways.

Sexuality can also be fluid. She may not have been homosexual before. May have been straight, or bi and have loved your father very much but things changed over time.

But if she didn't cheat, didn't lie and ended the relationship as best could be expected (relationships ending when one person doesn't want it to will always hurt), then I don't think she's got anything to be remorseful or guilty about.

Obviously if she was cheating, duped your dad or lied for years to him, then yeah, that's not on.

No I don’t think men do. They are either gay and masking or bi. So i understand the rage the wives feel.

Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. When I was at school a friend’s mum divorced her husband and then became a lesbian. My friend and her siblings found it hard to accept the new relationship, understandably.

Only now that we’re in our thirties did my friend find out from her mum that she’d being putting up with her father for years - he was quite lazy, happy for her to work, do all the housework and children. And shoulder all the other responsibilities that come with being a mother and wife. She was sick to death of how she was treated and left, she felt like a servant to him and the home. A year or so later met a woman and they started living together. She said she finally felt equal and lived with someone who thought similarly. I understand that your dad may not fit the description above. But I do often wonder when I hear about women leaving marriage and becoming lesbian later in life if this is one of the main reasons. Friend now has a good relationship with her mum, but it has taken many years. Friend wishes she had known sooner how her mum felt, but she didn’t want to be slating her ex-husband.

She tricked a man into believing she was sexually attracted to him? My friend is on the same position with her STBEH; she feels used

If you went to secondary school after Section 28 was repealed, you have no right to judge the actions of same-sex attracted people who went to secondary school before Section 28 was repealed.

Knowledge of the very existence of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people was suppressed in schools by the State. As a PP said, people presumed and still presume heterosexuality by default, even in themselves.

From personal experience, I don’t agree. Some men might do that but not all.

What remorse do yoi want her to have?

20 years ago culture and society were very different. Yes there was a lot more equality and tolerance for gay people but the assumption of default heterosexuality was still deeply embedded and it was still very much possible to be railroaded into finding a nice man and settling down to have kids befire really working out ones own sexuality. In religious circles it was still perfectly normal for homosexuality to be considered sinful (much more so than today) and anyone who was religious and had any kind of doubt about theit heterosexuality would be encouraged to get into a heterosexual marriage asap and they'd soon get over that "little phase"

I doubt she deliberately "deceived" your dad. She would have been deceiving herself just as much.

So your mum was a victim of a culture of oppressive heteronormativity and she allowed it to engulf her for 20 years and has now broken free. And while I'm sure she deeply regrets the mistakes and misjudgements that led to those 20 years how can she honestly wish them gone when that would be wishing that you her dear child had never been born?

We each get 1 life and we automatically fuck it up in numerous ways but in the mess and grief and brokenness of the world we manage to find love and hope and beauty. Never doubt that your mum loves you. Try to forgive her, because shutting her out will hurt you as much as her.

Has she been a kind a nurturing mother besides this? Does she care about you?What's going on in the background?

OP I am so sorry that your parents have had an acrimonious break up. You really must be feeling for your dad, who must be questioning everything about himself. Rejection in whichever form, is galling.

You have every reason to be angry, and express that. It feels unfair because to you it is unfair. Just like your mum may have felt it was unfair that she couldn't express her sexuality safely for a number of years.

Everyone has been harmed in this scenario. Deal with your anger, anger for your dad, anger that your mum was hiding something and anger that your family unit has broken up.

As a bisexual woman from a Catholic family I can say with certainty that no you don't 'always know you are gay' and yes you very well might not realise until older or have tried to convince yourself you are straight due to external pressure.
It can be very very hard to come to terms with.
I image she thought she could love a man and have a family and it would all work out but then over the years became more and more unhappy..
Really the sexuality isn't the issue.. would you have this level of anger if she'd left for a man? This level of anger if she'd just left because she didn't live your father any more and there wasn't anyone else she was just unhappy?
Divorce is always hard. People sometimes change. They fall out of love, the grow in a different way to how they thought they would.. relationships break down. It doesn't mean the entire relationship was a lie.. it doesn't mean they didn't believe in it from the start.. it doesn't mean they didn't have good intentions.
Even in a case where someone has discovered their sexuality!
And it very much can be a discovery in later life, especially for women.. who may just have grown up with the general idea that sexual attraction would just follow love..
Really the sexuality thing is misleading here. You would be hurt however this had happened. But I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but.. it's just life. People cannot help these things. They can't go about living a lie once they realise their feelings have changed.
Surely you can see that? If you put yourself in her shoes and imagine it?
Perhaps she can't express remorse because the whole thing had been traumatic for her and now she is truly happy? Perhaps she doesn't feel responsible for everyone's feelings? She obviously put a lot of time and effort into the marriage initially..
It's understandable to be hurt when your parents break up. It's a difficult experience. But trying to get some kind of apology or remorsefulness from them.. I'm not sure that's a healthy road to go down.

It’s fucked up that, even though your sense of family has been torn apart and you’re witnessing your father in shock and heartbreak, some posters think your first response should be politically correct support for your mother, by default, however brutal she may have been in dealing with the situation.

I think it’s patronising shtick to immediately jump to that ‘support her because she’s gay ‘ position.

No.. I think the point is that it's kind of homophonic to suggest the being gay part of this is the focus.. it's painful for children when their parents break up regardless. But to suggest this woman is somehow extra Eil and the main one at fault because she has now got together with a woman just isn't great is it??
I'm not talking about OP who is clearly hurting right now.. but some posters on this thread are really going for it with the 'she tricked a man for years!!' Nonesense. Not really understanding or having any compassion for the experience of anyone who isn't straight. Because it is NOT like that. Especially for people from older generations.