My mum came out as lesbian after 20 years of marriage

[Anonymous2003]

That's it really. She came out a year ago, my parents separated and she has been dating a much younger woman. I still live at home, with my dad. My whole family is still struggling massively but it sometimes seems like my mum feels like she has no remorse. I am just so down and angry and wanted to get this off my chest somewhere.

I have a close friend whose husband left her and she started a relationship with a woman. She said it took her by surprise as much as everyone around her. It's not always that they lived a lie or deceived anyone.

I thought if the DH left you for another person he'd been sneaking out with for a year or more he was a bastard?
All very odd.
I know someone in this exact situation and the DW couldn't even be bothered to wait until her youngest had finished her final 6 months of senior school year before blowing the family apart. Had to sell house, business ( was joint) her DH tried to kill himself, her DS refuses to speak to her ( he is only 2 years younger than her new lesbian lover).
I don't have a lot of time for the "oh isn't it great she's living her best life stuff".

I didn't think it was something you just woke up and decided.

Me either. Poor kid.

well, I'm sorry that you are still upset by this. It is understandable, but what did you want your mum to do? Stay married to a man when she didn't want to?

Is it possible she realised long ago (or always knew) but stayed until you were an adult and she felt able to leave?

This happens all the time in slightly different ways. People react in different ways, but i suggest if it is really affecting you badly, you try therapy?

your mum deserves to be happy, doesn't she?

Please do think on the fact that your mum, a person in her own right, loved your father as a person, at one point, enough to create a family. But things have changed in their relationship, and she has found love with another person, who happens to be female.
@Dearg is that the advice to everyone whose partner leaves them and quickly moves on?
'Aw well, things are changed, they love someone else, everyone needs to move on ok'....

Was / is she menopausal?

I am, should I warn DH I may become a lesbian?

Really? Why not?

not remotely the same thing. Unless OPs mum walked out leaving her dad with small children to look after and because he was a SAHP no way of earning a living?

there are a lot of reasons for exiting a marriage, and the way people do that can be harmful or less harmful (in some cases not harmful at all)

OP is hurt, that is a normal reaction to the future you envisioned for yourself being changed by someone else's actions. But nobody should stay in a marriage that they are not enthusiastic about. There are ways of doing this.

In OPs mum's case, she didn't abandon little kids, OP is an adult.

Only you can answer that question, HoppingGreen.

I only ask because I knew someone who experienced something similar while she was going through it. Later she reverted.

I was not aware it was a symptom though
Hot flushes, brain fog, weight gain and now lesbianism? I suppose Menopause can come with an inability to care what other people think anymore.

Since OP hasn't given much to go on it is quite difficult to say anything other than "people deserve to be happy" (applies to OPs dad too, who is probably struggling with the breakdown of a long marriage)

Maybe OP expects some remorse for her mum for blowing up OPs expected future? but not really sure, in her mum's position i'd be feeling remorseful exactly. Probably sorry that my DD was so badly affected - but again, that depends why OP is so angry at her mum. If it is only the shock and surprise, fair enough. But maybe OP is homophobic? we don't know. Is it the disapproval OP seems to have that her mum now has a much younger partner? Does OP feel responsible for helping her dad more than she probably wanted/expected to at her age? understandable i think.

there is a lot going on here. But in general, given adult children - i don't think anyone is wrong to exit a marriage they don't want to be in.

I wouldn’t include it in a list, no. But it was interesting how she changed for a few years and then changed again afterwards. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My daughters went through the same when their father came out as gay after 30 years of marriage. It's the lies they can't forgive and questioning everything about him relative to him being their father. He also has no remorse.
Sending you love.

I came out as gay at 37. I wasn't married to a man then (had been divorced 8 years by then, for other reasons), but I faced a terrible reaction from my parents. My kids (10 and 12 at the time) were fine!

My mother said things to me like "we don't have a daughter any more, we don't know who you are, you've hidden this from us" I hadn't hidden anything from them. I didn't think I was gay before I fell in love with a woman.

We didn't speak for months (previously very close and would speak daily). Eventually they came round and then they were fine.

I can understand that it's a shock for you. It may have come as a shock to your mother as well. I think this is a situation for "if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing."

Not sure it’s a symptom of menopause as such, but menopause is a time when women suddenly become aware of their lot in life and strive to make changes.

It’s a common time for women with compulsory heterosexuality to realise their sexuality is not what they thought. So not waking up and deciding, but a process often found in unhappy marriages.

My daughters were adults when their father came out. 14 years later they are still damaged by his lies and consequent rejection of them. Your comment is cruel. Please consider other people's feelings when you haven't walked in their shoes.

This happens to someone I know . Their partner was confused about their sexuality and lived with him to see if she could be with a man . She left him for a woman and her parents blamed him for her "turning gay " as he didn't show her enough love .

Because the Op said her mother came out a year ago and her parents separated and her mother is now in a relationship with another women ,vastly different to your friends situation and also an awful lot of change in one year.

So the only women posting about their partners walking out and swiftly falling in love are SAHM with little children?
Wasn't aware of that!

then your daughters may need some help explore their feelings and to come to terms with their new reality. Which i think may also be a good idea for OP. I am a big fan of talking therapy.

I didn't say adults should be fine - i did say to other people that it is not the same as when a parent pushes off with an affair partner leaving younger children.

I don't know the circs of what your husband did, but have positied a few random ideas based on the little OP has said.

the capacity for willfully mis-reading posts here on MN never fails to amaze me. Try again.

it's a flipping example of things people post.

I get this. I have a friend whose DH left her for a man. When one partner decides suddenly to leave it comes as a shock to the person and the family. When they leave for someone of the same sex it feels as if the whole relationship might have always have been a sham. Also in my friends case, her DH got quite a lot of support along the lines of he is brave for leading his best life etc. Okay, but few people were helping my friend get up of the floor. Sometimes just how it is.

This happens more than you would expect. I'm 48, have always dated men (and had a couple of awful relationships). I'm now in a very happy relationship with a woman who was also married for 15 years.

My young adult DC were a bit surprised but very happy for me.