My mum came out as lesbian after 20 years of marriage

[Anonymous2003]

That's it really. She came out a year ago, my parents separated and she has been dating a much younger woman. I still live at home, with my dad. My whole family is still struggling massively but it sometimes seems like my mum feels like she has no remorse. I am just so down and angry and wanted to get this off my chest somewhere.

Interestingly there's a thread where the ops dh of 20 years has left her, and there's not a single cheerleader post for him and how she should be happy for him, doing what he needs... most of the ilk of but it's highly likely there's another woman. They always swear there isn't. Be prepared for "the script" - the rewriting of history which they all do to justify their appalling behaviour....

I can’t get mad at women standing up for women.
Men’s behaviour within a marriage tends to be more self serving and selfish than the woman’s, and “the script” is a thing because it’s so common. When you see posts on the relationship board you start to recognise patterns, predictable ways men behave. If you go to male centric forums you see the same thing on steroids. Women’s behaviour tends to be different. They leave for different reasons.

The women I’ve known who’ve come out in later life have not duped anyone, they haven’t known themselves that they were lesbians. They’ve usually left a sub-par relationship and find someone they connect with, and if that’s a woman others shift their perception of the whole marriage in favour of the poor man who’s been lied to for years, which simply isn’t true. Had the relationship been good, supportive even, then plenty of women would put up with it until death do you part.
You start to question when you realise what a crap deal you have. When you’re the mental load carrier, the one who is responsible for the emotions of everyone in the household, the default parent, cook, cleaner, bottle washer.

When there are long periods of not wanting to have sex at all - that’s normal for all women at certain points, it’s not something that makes you stop and wonder if you’re actually a lesbian. Schoolgirl crush on a woman? Again normal and experienced by many straight women.
Women are conditioned from a very young age to make way for men, to put themselves last, to be people pleasers. It’s a completely different pattern when women leave men after a relatively long marriage.

Obviously this doesn’t apply to all men and all women, but there’s definitely a pattern there.

It’s quite refreshing that most of the posts here see the mother as her own human with a right to be happy. I posted about 10 years ago about possibly being a lesbian, having been through some really tough times and ending my relationship with Ex. The responses (bar a couple) were all along the lines that I’d lied to my poor husband, that I’d deliberately seduced him to have children, that our whole marriage was a sham. Nothing was further from the truth. Ex’s behaviour was the reason for ending the marriage way before I questioned my sexuality. No one lied. We had several very happy years. But the possibility of me being a lesbian shadowed all of the past. I still haven’t come out because of the misogynistic homophobic stuff I read.

Yes it’s difficult for the OP, but hopefully this will help to see it from a different perspective. As a parent your relationship changes with your child once they become an adult, it has to. Hopefully in time it’ll be easier.

@FractionEngine understand you have your views, but I can't think so black and white where fellow female=always right.

That’s not what I said though, I referred to the patterns you spot when you spend time looking at relationships and why they fail.

We’re all human at the end of the day. We all make mistakes, our actions will hurt others, that’s life unless you completely give up your own self to serve your family (which I’d argue isn’t healthy for anyone).

So you would also say when a man leaves that the husband as his own human with a right to be happy.?
Or as above 'oh he's saying the script' 'there's always a pattern'?

Yes I believe this. It’s harsh on the person who is left but we shouldn’t expect someone to stay in an unhappy marriage and all women on here will be told that staying for the sake of the kids is a bad idea.

I also don’t believe that there’s always another woman if men leave a marriage. Often there isn’t and they are just unhappy. Just like women.

Im bi i like both i came out at 14 im almost 40 now my family's reaction was as long as your happy we dont care.

In all honesty i think you need to get on with your own life.
Shit happens in peoples lifes for all sorts of reasons.
Its not such a taboo subject anymore.
I know some people that have come out and its a relief for them after years of living a lie to please other.

That would be my reaction too.

Hope you're ok.

Would you have said the same if the dad left for a man after 20 years? Doubt many would tbh.

Stick with your dad, OP, and leave her to it. You have your own life to live. She'll understand. After all, that's exactly what she's doing.

Yes of course, if anyone’s unhappy in a relationship they shouldn’t be in it. Obviously if there’s work to be done to fix it that should come first.

I don’t have any problem with women supporting women though, and spotting those patterns that affect us as wives and mothers are a part of that.

In various forums and on SM I tend to see more support for men coming out as gay (or trans) than for women coming out as lesbians.

Mumsnet is special as it’s more focused on women, so we’ll see a different perspective.

We discovered that my Dad was in a gay relationship with someone half his age and that they had a house together. That was 30+ years ago, when times were much less accepting and I was a teenager. It was extremely tough on my mum, who realised that he'd never been in love with her for the 25 years of their marriage. It's understandable that your Dad must feel hurt and perplexed. It transpired that he'd been living a double life throughout their whole marriage. However, he was born and raised in a time when homosexuality was illegal. I felt rather sad for him to be honest.
Your mother may have been battling with her feelings for many years, but she might not have. Either way she is a person, a human with feelings. Every mother adores their children, so you shunning her must be very painful. You just need time to get used to the idea, but can only do so if you work through your feelings and maintain a relationship with your mother. If you cut her off you won't resolve anything and that will be a bigger burden for you to carry.

A close friend of mine left her H of 15 years for a woman, she had been completely straight up until that point according to her. She says she left her H first and then got into a relationship with his woman but to be honest I don't believe her.
There were issues in the marriage and while I might think the timeline was a bit "off" she is incredibly happy now.
I might not be so pleased for her if it was my Mum though and I know her DD struggled with it

Did she cheat?

How old is she and how old is the much younger woman she is dating?

Some of these responses are a bit like the worst one said to me when my Dad had a affair and left my mum, I have never forgotten it. A very close friend of mine said, 'Well, don't you want your Dad to be happy?' missing the point entirely I felt.

OP, you have the right to feel hurt and upset, this isn't about sexuality at all but more about an expectation you had of your Mum to be a decent human. It hurts and honestly, in the end, I had to let that hurt go, not for my Dad but for my own sanity.

Well you could feel remorse for using a man to hide your sexuality behind, or for denying him sex while making him feel it's in some way his fault you lack desire for him, or for walking out on family leaving them feeling bewildered and distressed etc.

Not saying the mother has done any of these but a lot of spouses of covertly gay people feel very used by the process.

Sorry you’re going through this - it sounds incredibly complicated.

As for your mum seeming like she has no remorse - she’s had a long time to come to terms with this, make a decision, and decide to follow through with it. She maybe isn’t sorry as she has probably been through the motions in her head for years. I’m not saying this to excuse her actions, but just to try and understand them. I guess she’s ultimately decided that living her life authentically is worth all the hurt she will cause to you and your father.

Maybe try to look at the situation from an outsiders perspective as well, as if it wasn’t your own mum. Your advice would maybe be different if it wasn’t your own mum? It’s a hard one because she should be allowed to be with who she wants to etc, but it must be awful for you both feeling duped. Sending you best wishes, OP.

If this was a dad using a woman to achieve life’s milestones and have children before heading off with a younger man into the sunset, we’d all be ripping him to bits.

💯 absolutely.

I can see why you're upset that your mum left your dad, but the fact that she's left him for a woman is really neither here nor there. There are all sorts of reasons why people might not really understand their own sexuality when they're younger, and the fact that she's left him for a woman doesn't mean she 'deceived him' when she got married.

Maybe talk to women who’ve actually been through this.
This isn’t how it happens. A large proportion of women coming out in later life had no idea as younger women. I’m not speaking for gay men because I’m not one and I don’t know, but all the later life lesbians I know, including me, had no idea until the marriage started to crumble for reasons other than their sexuality.

TBH in the past this has been the typical response, there are stronger feelings about women coming to understand they are lesbians, even when that happens after the marriage has ended, than if one of them had an affair. It’s weird, misogynistic and homophobic.

Why should she feel remorse?

No one should stay in a marriage that makes them unhappy. While that's hard for children at any age its how it should be.

Good for her, no need to carry on a lie to keep the peace for others. Your family just have to get over it I'm afraid- what else can be done?

IF your Mum had an affair then she should show some remorse, doesn't matter what sex her affair partner was BUT if she left and later entered a relationship then its fine.
I appreciate its a shock OP but being in a relationship if you are single is nothing to be ashamed of

I understand you are hurt that your mum has left the family.

Please do think on the fact that your mum, a person in her own right, loved your father as a person, at one point, enough to create a family. But things have changed in their relationship, and she has found love with another person, who happens to be female.

It doesn’t mean that she has always been a lesbian and has suddenly ‘come out’. It does not mean she has been lying all these years.

It won’t have been easy for her, and I am sure she regrets the hurt you feel, but she has done nothing wrong.