Should I have assumed he has turned it off?

[ThisBrownieIsRubbish]

Dh has been mithering about not turning the heating on, and finally cracked yesterday and put it on as he had been working from home and was cold.
So this morning I am home, take him to work, kids to school. I am freezing, but assume I am just cold as I am in and out of the heated car. Take dd to appointment, do shopping. At 4pm wonder why I am still cold. Dh has turned the heating off!!
I ask why. He says that we were in bed and toasty. Yes, that was last night. I said he should have said something considering he knows I was home today. If he was cold yesterday then I would be today? He said he forgot as was getting busy for work - in the snow, should have though oh it's cold, I turned the heating off!? - and assumed I would check it - why would I if he told me he had turned it on?

Am I overthinking this? I accept I may be being ridiculous but i am cold! (Now out at DD sport in the cold!)

Why can't you just go look and turn it on yourself?

This is the biggest load of shite I've ever read in my life. So if it's minus 17 outside and your husband hasn't yet turned the heating on for the season, you can't do it? What?

He is controlling you

No, he turned it off when they were cosy in bed.

& she did turn it on when it occurred to her that it was cold in the house.

bit pointless having it on all day before that anyway.

I think first thing I’d be doing is cracking the fucking heating on a thermostat sensor or timer when I bloody want.

secondly - swap the bedroom around so yours is the warmer side. He can just suck it up. He inconveniences you with his tightness. You can inconvience him for your benefit.

@MammaGisAF

he didn't, he turned it off when they were in bed, warm & cosy. Like most people.

This is NOT a non-issue. This is about control. Your children won’t be able to play/ do their homework properly if it’s less than 10 degrees in your house. It is a false economy anyway because you will get condensation problems in your house. Last year our paint ran because we let it get too cold. It cost us more in redecoration than it would’ve cost in heating.
Re Massive backstory - please look out for yourself and your children.

I was talking to my DH about how sad things are in England. I’m not British but have lived here for over 20 years. have family and friends all around the world. US, Canada and other parts of Europe and no one is obsessed about the heating and they just get on with life and they are warm in their homes. They use their tumble dryers and not look multiple times a day at their smart meters. It’s not cheap for them either but it’s not an issue and they are just living a comfortable ‘warm’ life

I appreciate for some CoL is a bitch but I just think talking about energy prices and the media’s fear mongering has created this weird obsession here. Even my boss today was complaining that he didn’t want to drive in the snow and is mad as he has to put his heating on.

OP- sorry your DH is being such a dick

What exactly happens if you feel cold, check the heating, see it's off and decide to turn it on?

FYI
I've read the OP posts but not the whole thread.

I have a single position on heating. If you're cold, turn the heating on.

I could go on about ambient temperature, the cost of heating a boiler from cold to cosy every day vs the cost of bubbling along at a good temp and heating up as needed.

But in Britain there is an attitude of it doesn't go on until x date. Or it only goes on when the outside temperature is below 5°C. Or other reasons.

I honestly wish we had proper winters where not putting on the heating was a threat to life because this attitude means we pay loads more to be colder than if we lived in Scandinavia or a wintry central Europe.

I reiterate:

If you're cold, turn on the heating.

Paraphrased:

Heat is dependent on how cold it is, not whether it's a Wednesday and we're not at home for 5 hours.

By the way, it always gets* *this cold the week if the 23rd November. How do I know this? My brother was born on a snowy day in the south of England on the 23 November. It will be warmer at Christmas than this week.

I agree with you @Ineedmorewinepls all these threads on here about heating and arguments with partners about it are just baffling, it does seem to be an obsession.

I just don't know where to start with this. What an awful way to live.

If I am cold I put the heating on, if my husband is cold he puts the heating on, neither of us need to seek permission from the other to do so, there is no official switch on/switch off date. We live together and care about each other's comfort.

Well you turn it on if you're cold?

You probably would've had a go ahead him if he kept it on and you were too hot!

Some people.

That’s a bit controlling. If you’re cold and your clothes are damp then surely it goes on-it’s not up to him!

You shouldn't have to get dressed in the cold and put on cold clothes.

He is very controlling.

wtf! what would you just assume your heating was on?if you are that cold would you not then think to turn it on or at least go and check it?

Is it just me feeling uncomfortable with OPs issue here?

Not sure where you are in UK, Op, but is been fairly damn cold here, esp yesterday and today (the snow and hail indicate this..) I don’t generally bother with the heating if I’m busy at home, but DP was here for a few hours between jobs today, and I put the heating on so we were warm and comfortable together…
Hes gone back to work, I’ve turned the heating off as I chuck another layer on and sit under a large fluffy dog.
We both share the bills.
If on3 or other say they are cold, either one of us puts the heating on.

I cannot understand how you living like this, and not finding it manipulative and mean. Doesn’t he want his wife and family being warm in their home?

Why don’t you have the autonomy to just turn the heating on when you want? I wouldn’t even mention to DH I wanted the heating on, I’d just go and flick the switch. Same as I wouldn’t mention if I needed a wee or something to eat.

OP, you are married to a pillock.

OP you're not responding any more so hope you're not feeling ganged up on.

I think what you're getting at is your husband is happy for the heating to be on when he's at home, but when he went to work he turned it off so you wouldn't have it and he'd save the money. The issue is that is a really shitty thing to do, even if he was just hoping you wouldn't notice (as you didn't for most of the day).

There is a deeper issue about the fact you get up first, and are freezing every morning but your husband gets to dictate when the heating goes on - and it's only at his convenience. He can go into work - i assume you don't?

Honestly this smacks of coercive control. Couples argue about the heating sometimes, sure, but it isn't fair for one person to dictate- and leave the others cold

It's ok, I expected a range of responses.

Tbh it just didn't occur to me that he would have turned it off. As to why I don't turn it on when I want, it literally doesn't occur to me. Yes, I have been cold for ages, but it just didn't even enter my mind to turn it on before he said.

Some may call me stupid. That's fine. I feel stupid now you've all pointed it out. But it literally didn't even enter my mind.
It might be because that's what's happened for 20 years. It might be my autism.
But now I feel stupid.

So take from that what you will.

Also autistic here. I understand the whole not joining the dots thing and also the not registering cold/thirst/etc for ages thing.

The thermostatic timer controller is your friend. Programme it to shield you from the early morning cold starts and keep the house warm by day.

OP don't feel stupid. Mumsnet can be a very nasty place sometimes.

Honestly in your place I'd be angry with my husband. It was well known it was going to be freezing today. There's no excuse for turning the heating off.

I don't think you're stupid, OP, but next time you're cold, just put it on. It might be annoying if he mithers about it, but if he isn't actually doing anything to stop you then I don't think he can be held responsible for the fact that, for whatever reason, you didn't take the option.

You need to sit and talk to him and tell him he is not king of the heating. You also live in the house and are entitled to be warm. It doesn't matter how it has been for the last 20 years, this is how it will be going forward. You will turn the heating on when you feel cold.

We have a Hive thermostat app thing. Before Covid because I was home all the time and Dh was in the office I have control of the heating. If Dh wants to amend the settings he needs a code from me to change it.