Words you won't tolerate from 'friends'

[Perzival]

Inspired by the thread that is currently running about a teacher who used a derogatory word about SEN children to her friend, I'm just wondering what language or words if used by a friend would cause you to end a friendship?

I've been in a similar position to the other poster regarding use of the r word (I have a severly disabled child). So, what language pushes your buttons and would you accept any language if used in a joke?

I ended a friendship with a woman who used the words “retard” and “spastic”. Our entire friendship group were SEN mums and they all took her side 🙃

I have zero regrets.

I had to ask my boss not to use homophonic slurs to describe gay customers (not to their faces, thank goodness).

The n word, anything racist/anti-Semitic, or spastic/retard or anything that makes fun of a disability. None are remotely funny and I can’t imagine why any of my friends would think it was.

Even if I don’t like certain words I wouldn’t end a friendship over words.

I come from a northern mill town and have had to tell my elderly relatives several times that the P word is not to be used in my home, and the next time either of them do use it they’ll be bounced out of the house so quickly their feet will not touch the ground.

I once had employers (husband and wife) who used all manner of homophobic/racist slurs when talking about customers/people who walked past the windows/anyone, really. Safe to say I left the job very, very quickly. Awful people.

It depends entirely on context.

Misogyny gets my back up, so anything deeply misogynistic said seriously would probably be an instant friendship ender for me.

Same. And if it doesn't we're not likely to be friends

"Cisgender"
"TERF"
"Transwoman"

I don’t police the language of friends. If they were that problematic they probably wouldn’t want to be friends with me in the first place.

I find it very interesting. I bounce back and forth over how I feel. I think people should be policed in their language but also I'd hope that real friends wouldn't use language that would hurt me.

Navigating friendships following this is difficult especially where it involves a group.

I too don't police friends' language and there are no 'banned' words for me.

But if certain things were said (and meant) then I would pull back from a friendship. This hasn't happened with actual friends, just acquaintances very occasionally, because people whose values so heavily clash with mine wouldn't make it to friend status in the first place.

Someone I had previously respected told me his wife was a teacher at a local foundation studies unit. He said, ‘You wouldn’t believe the mongs they have there.’ I was so shocked I couldn’t put a protest into words. All I could manage was to usher him out.

That was about 17 years ago. My son was a toddler, he’s 19 now and has spent the last 3 years at said foundation studies unit. He developed a brain tumour that led to a learning disability and the wonderful staff there have patiently taught him so much. As far as I’m aware we’ve never met the arsehole’s wife.

Same with misandry. I cannot abide hating anyone based on what’s in their pants.

If they've got the words , they've usually got the dumb ass views to match.

Don’t you think language used is part of who someone is as a person? If a person I knew used language that was racist, or derogatory to disabled people I would view that as being part of their personality, and I wouldn’t want to have a friendship with someone who was racist or abusive towards people with a disability.

I agree, I think if offensive language is in a persons vocabulary it’s part of their beliefs, you don’t accidentally use language that isn’t part of your usual vocab.

I wouldn’t police the language, but I would make a decision not to associate with someone who regularly used language that offended me.

I think sometimes people won't realise the impact or meaning (I.e. "gypsy" was used quite frequently some years back, without any apparent awareness of how contentious a term it can be). I think the reaction once someone explained why a term could offend someone is important - I agree though, it's not the words themselves that end friendships, it's what they reveal about the person's attitudes

I would tolerate anything from a friend - as in Father Ted "everyone gets a bit more conservative as they get older'

Yes I do agree, if someone uses a word or phrase and seems unaware of its meaning their reaction when informed is very important- if they defend the right to continue to use it I’d judge differently to an ‘oh god, I had no idea, I thought this meant xyz’

Language does evolve, the ability to take on board being told of what something means is important.

Racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, ageist, etc slurs - not acceptable

Really?!
I would have nothing to do with anyone that uses racist language. Particularly the N or P word. They can fuck right off. My 90 year old aunt would never use those words but then again she isn't a racist.