Words you won't tolerate from 'friends'

[Perzival]

Inspired by the thread that is currently running about a teacher who used a derogatory word about SEN children to her friend, I'm just wondering what language or words if used by a friend would cause you to end a friendship?

I've been in a similar position to the other poster regarding use of the r word (I have a severly disabled child). So, what language pushes your buttons and would you accept any language if used in a joke?

I dunno. It was utterly normal to call the corner store a 'p4ki shop' because, where I grew up, they were almost all run by Pakistani families. It became a generic term and I had to be quite forceful with myself to stop using it. Same with calling a Chinese takeaway a 'Chinks'. They were commonplace and reasonable shorthand, until they weren't.

Spastic is a correct medical term for body parts that have uncontrollable spasms. Now we get people being mightily offended when the doctor tells them they have a spastic bowel 🙄 Word-banning doesn't work, anyway - the kind of teenagers who used 'sp4zzer' as an insult moved seamlessly on to 'scoper'.

It's not the vocabulary that needs censuring, it's the thinking behind it.

[Some letters replaced so my post isn't auto-deleted. I hope.]

Completely depends on the context in which it's used rather than the actual word.
I'd end a friendship if it came out that the friend was racist, sexist, homophonic etc
I understand people sometimes make mistakes, I understand sometimes people need to make jokes or let off steam. But if I thought a person's use of whatever word truly indicated that they looked down on a certain group then I would end the friendship. Obviously I'd raise it first and see if a discussion could get them to revaluate their views.. but if they doubled down and I realised this was a prejudice they really held and understood they were holding then that would be the end of the road.

I don't think any words themselves are off limits its down to the context and /or intention.

And I think when drunk some people who were born before 2000 probably use words like 'spa*r' ''mog' or 'ret*d' or 'gay' as a sort of jokey word when their mates do something stupid or embarrassing as a force of habit without thinking that today those words are totally unacceptable to be used in that context or any context for some of them.
Because when I was younger everyone talked like that. It didn't necessarily mean they were genuinely homophonic or genuinely were disrespectful towards people with learning differences or disabled people or people with autism or cerebral palsy... it was just how people spoke.
So I don't know the complete context of that other thread but I did read the op and think maybe that's what had gone on.
The woman should have given a heartfelt apology once she sobered up, for offending the OP though. And it seems like she tried to defend her use of the word. So I guess that's why OP has ended the friendship.
I think when people slip up they should just humbly apologise.

For me tho, it's not so much about the word(s), but the disrespect that seems to be apparent.
It can appear to be entitled to say exact what you want, without any mindfulness.

Any of the slang terms for vulva. I loathe them all.

Words don't bother me, but I could never be friends with anybody who is far left. That's where I draw the line

Yet you tolerate the far right?

Racist, ableist, homophobic and other slurs are unacceptable here. I can’t be friends with a person who uses that kind of language.

I work with kids and one day a colleague of mine, in her 60s said the 'eeny meeny miney mo' rhyme and, you guessed it, she forgot to use the 'tiger' version. She was absolutely mortified and kept explaining how it had slipped out. I totally understood, I'm younger but we used that rhyme all the time and we genuinely had no idea what the word meant it was just an word in a kids rhyme. That for example is an error, and not reflective of her views.

Not being able to apologise (or noticing when an apology is necessary) is far more problematic than vocabulary.

I'm 53 and we used the word 'piggy' in that rhyme as children. I didn't even know there was an offensive version until recently. So that one changed a long time ago.

@Tetchypants "Same with misandry. I cannot abide hating anyone based on what’s in their pants"

I think you misunderstand both misogyny and misandry.

I told my MIL that of course she WAS entitled to her opinion, but not only did nobody at my dinner table want to hear it, she was NOT entitled to share her racist, homophobic, bigoted opinions because doing so happens to be hate speech. (And foreshadowing her opinion with “I don’t mean to be racist/homophobic/bigoted, but……” doesn’t negate this.)

*The words that I am referring to are the “N” word, all of the colloquial racist and homophobic Australian slurs that give this country a bad name, and of course using the “M” word to describe a child with Downs Syndrome and sharing her “opinion” on whether they should have ever been born….. in front of my kids who were classmates and friends with this kid. All of us have chosen to go NC since…

I visit the homes of people in these Northern Mill towns as part of my job and am shocked at how freely they still use the P word when talking about the local off-licence/neighbours etc.

It seems to be very common in strongly populated ethnic areas.

I 'ask' them in no uncertain terms not to repeat the term and if they ever did I would never return.

Just to correct you there, anything said in a private dwelling is protected as part of a private conversation and cannot be prosecuted as a hate crime although I think it’s quite common for people to misunderstand this part.

I'm the other way round, I'd much rather a euphemism than 'vulva'. I know it's the correct term but it's a cringe word for me, for some reason. Just sounds so clinical somehow.

If it’s my home, it’s hate speech.

I hate "pussy" because it's made an ancient term of affection for a cat something you can't say in public, and "cunt" because it has long since become one of the most abusive terms in the language - and whatever people on this site may think, despite its prevalence as an insult here, it is absolutely not acceptable language where I live.

Out of interest, does "penis" strike you as uncomfortably clinical?

People should express themselves as they see fit. I am a free speech advocate, but do be prepared for robust debate if I disagree with you.

I always push back on those who try to control my choice of words.

Absolutely not. You are entitled to your opinion about the law but you are not correct in your interpretation of it.

Not in the rural village where I grew up (I'm mid 40s). We didn't even know what the N word meant - I remember a playground discussion at around 8 years old over whether it referred to a kind of job (like milkman) or a type of animal! We asked a grown up, we learned, we stopped saying it and anyone who did got the 'ummmmm, I'm telling on you' response.

It depends on the context, whether it's being used discriminatory or ironically or just as a hate term.

OhSloaneDear · Yesterday 19:34
Even if I don’t like certain words I wouldn’t end a friendship over words

Really? If someone is telling you who they are, listen. There must be some attitudes in life that you find unacceptable?

Karen, unless referring to a named individual.

Pop. The most unbearably twee verb in the English language.