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Original poster

Husband moving abroad, us staying here - what will it be like?

105 replies

PinkThings · 04/11/2024 21:12

My husband has been offered a job abroad to be away for 1-2 years. We came back from living abroad (in a different country) a year ago and I have no interest in going back out. He's got a well paid job here…but has been offered a job that’s 5x his current salary out there. We've been happily married for years and have an 8 year old son. I can appreciate the life changes that that amount of money can bring, but I feel like he’s choosing money over our life / our child / me. Am I being melodramatic? Would love to hear from others whose partners have done similar and how they found it. I’m pretty capable but we don’t have parents or a network of friends particularly close by - I wfh full time. It just feels so weird / wrong to me to be married but I’m doing all the boring juggling while he gets to live what feels like a single man lifestyle?! Or should I just appreciate / enjoy the money and suck it up?!

OP posts:
whatatodoaboutnothing · 04/11/2024 21:16

How often would he come home/ you visit?

would the 5 x allow you to pay your mortgage off or similar?

is there an opportunity for you and ds to go too? Presumably with 5 x the salary it would allow you to take time off (if you wanted of course and it’s a destination of interest)

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 04/11/2024 21:20

why he just does not want to accept his current but have family life???

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 04/11/2024 21:21

< money >

Tourmalines · 04/11/2024 21:24

I’d go with him . 5x salary. Only one or two years, too good to give up.

Sprig1 · 04/11/2024 21:26

This wouldn't work for me. I know a couple where the husband did this. He met someone else out there and it ended in divorce. It absolutely sounds like he is choosing money and lifestyle over you and his family.

mypingpongbat · 04/11/2024 21:26

V much depends how far away. 1 hour flight so he can come back some weekends or long-haul and you’ll only see him occasionally?

BruFord · 04/11/2024 21:31

Some friends of ours did this, because the money would really make a difference to their lives. Their children were older though, youngest was 13.

The Dad found it really hard. He came back for Christmas for a few days (paid for by company) and his family had an extended visit over the summer. He found something else at home after about 15 months.

Ithappenedunderournoses77 · 04/11/2024 21:44

I think it’s a bit unfair to say he is only doing it for the money. He might say he is doing it for the benefit of his family and his career trajectory?

I agree though that it’s shit working full time and looking after dc alone! Surely the best solution would be to wfh from the new country? Why do you not want to go back? It takes a while to really integrate somewhere.

I’m afraid there’s no easy answer to
this one but either way, eighteen months to two years will go quickly.

My biggest concern, speaking as someone whose dh travelled extensively when dc were small, and we lived in three different countries, is that his posting will last longer than the prescribed time. They very often start off as two to three years and end up as eight to ten! I would be careful to investigate this as much as possible.

Good luck with your decision.

Blaggoshpereish · 04/11/2024 21:45

I would go, child is only 8. It’s only 1-2 yrs.

You are both making decisions that exclude the other.

kitchenhelprequired · 04/11/2024 21:55

Look at all the tax implications. Just in case you aren't aware and because you said you came back a year ago there could be some implications.

You have to live outside the UK for a complete tax year in the first instance to be non resident for tax purposes so just over a year if you leave just after 6th April in any given year but nearly 2 if you leave on 4th April. If you don't meet this qualifying criteria all income earned worldwide is taxable in the UK.

If you received split year treatment when returning to the UK previously you have to be resident for the complete tax year following.

If you shipped belongings to the UK using a TOR you have to remain in the UK for a year afterwards or customs duties are paying retrospectively.

The amount of time you can spend in the UK if not tax resident is very much less than the often quoted 6 months which is what makes someone automatically tax resident. Look at the residency ties rules -DH will have at least two if you stay, possibly more which will limit how much time he can spend in the UK. If he has been resident in the last 3 years this will also limit how much time he can spend in the UK as a non tax resident. Do not sleep walk into being tax resident - spend a few hundred pounds to get a tax accountant with expat experience look at your individual circumstances.

Remember if he becomes non resident there's a whole host of things which will need to change - car and house insurance to start with.

kitchenhelprequired · 04/11/2024 21:59

I can't amend the above but it's the other way around- leave after 6th April and need to be away for almost two years, on 5th April or before and just over one to satisfy the initial non tax resident requirement.

BadgersOfHonour · 04/11/2024 22:01

Sprig1 · 04/11/2024 21:26

This wouldn't work for me. I know a couple where the husband did this. He met someone else out there and it ended in divorce. It absolutely sounds like he is choosing money and lifestyle over you and his family.

Yeah, this is what happened with my brother when he took a job abroad. He ended up leaving his wife and kids for a woman out there, eventually marrying her. His kids (now in their 30s) have nothing to do with him.

swiftieswoop · 04/11/2024 22:04

If it's Dubai I'd be worried sick with all the issues in the middle east, so that would be a big part of it.

Secondly he won't get that time back with the kids, it's gone forever.

Thirdly I know more men who have cheated doing this than anything else.

Carrotsandgrapes · 04/11/2024 23:04

If your marriage is solid, it could be worth it. 5 years of money for a year's worth of work, could make a lasting difference to your family's circumstances and future.

Some of the money must be spent on getting you support at home (cleaner, gardener, meal subscription, handyman etc etc).

But as others have said, it depends if he's going to be a 90 minute flight away in Europe (regular long weekend trips home) or a 7 hour flight away in Dubai...

SD1978 · 04/11/2024 23:27

Is it confirmed only 1-2 years. Will he be guaranteed a job on return to the UK? Any possibility of an extension on the overseas job for longer than 24months? What's the travel package being offered to come back home/ have you do out? If it was max 2 years, at x5salary, I would have to say yes- your child is 8, you WFH and the amount that could be knocked off mortgage/ into savings and pensions I'd have to do it.

OriginalShutters · 04/11/2024 23:39

But why are you sounding as if you had no say in this decision? DH was recently headhunted for a huge job that pays double what he currently earns and would be his dream job at the tiptop of his industry, but it would have involved a move to another city. My job is here, and DS has just started secondary here, and our previous (international) move wasn’t nothing for DS. I said no. I wasn’t moving, and I’m not solo parenting Monday to Friday either. He turned down the job.

crumblingschools · 04/11/2024 23:47

No matter how much money I wouldn’t be impressed with somewhere like Dubai.

I would hate to miss 2 years of DC life

Original poster
PinkThings · 05/11/2024 06:37

Thanks so much everyone! In answer to your questions - we’d buy a bigger house in a nicer area rather than paying off our mortgage here (that would be the sensible option though really!).

Myself and our son could go, but we’ve just spent 5 years living abroad, and where my husband will be, is very similar. Our life abroad was amazing, but it felt very much like a dream world / like life was on pause - I’m just really enjoying being back home - more vibrant, not so transient, spending school holidays living out of suitcases when we travelled back to visit everyone and their dog was exhausting, much better schooling here for my son, having familiarity and “normal” life etc. We chose to come back home, it felt like the right time and we’re really enjoying being back (on paper, our life out there was way better, but actually being here is way better).

Yes potentially I could give up work / do a qualification in something different / easier job that pays less / part time - whilst giving up completely is very appealing (and one of my arguments against him going is when would I get time to even go for a run etc) I don’t think I’d actually be mentally that good if I had all day free, and I’m conscious he’ll come back at some point so I would need to go back in to work then so would prefer to keep some kind of job on the cards. Definitely would use the money for a cleaner etc!

It’s long haul distance but I think we’d probably see him about every 6 weeks.

You’re absolutely right - he says he’s doing it for the family / long term career but it’s hard not to feel as though it’s choosing “that” over us (climbing up the career ladder has never been that important to me, and my son and husband is - I really loved lockdowns and love school holidays to get to be with them all the time / more).

It’s a contract where he would stay a minimum of a year, but beyond that stay as long as he wanted. No guaranteed job on return but he’d find another job easily so not worried about that. Thanks so much for the really helpful info on tax kitchenhelprequired - I’ll look into all of that.

Somewhat alarming how many stories there are of cheating / meeting other women. I absolutely trust him but I know there would be niggles as I’d feel so mumsy / frumpy being at home childcaring / house working / juggling etc while he would be filling his time with going to the gym / new friends etc.

I absolutely appreciate too that single parents are probably getting out the tiny violin at me thinking all of this!

OP posts:
Intheband · 05/11/2024 06:47

My husband has just started a new job and is away 2 weeks home 1. We jointly chose this job as it’s good money but also a step up the ladder in his field and my kids are 11 and 9 so becoming more independent.

my dad worked away ALOT! But I must say my kids have chatted to their dad more in the two weeks away on FaceTime than I did in a couple of years 30 years ago when international phone minutes were expensive.

could you go out all the holidays to stay with him?

OriginalShutters · 05/11/2024 06:55

PinkThings · 05/11/2024 06:37

Thanks so much everyone! In answer to your questions - we’d buy a bigger house in a nicer area rather than paying off our mortgage here (that would be the sensible option though really!).

Myself and our son could go, but we’ve just spent 5 years living abroad, and where my husband will be, is very similar. Our life abroad was amazing, but it felt very much like a dream world / like life was on pause - I’m just really enjoying being back home - more vibrant, not so transient, spending school holidays living out of suitcases when we travelled back to visit everyone and their dog was exhausting, much better schooling here for my son, having familiarity and “normal” life etc. We chose to come back home, it felt like the right time and we’re really enjoying being back (on paper, our life out there was way better, but actually being here is way better).

Yes potentially I could give up work / do a qualification in something different / easier job that pays less / part time - whilst giving up completely is very appealing (and one of my arguments against him going is when would I get time to even go for a run etc) I don’t think I’d actually be mentally that good if I had all day free, and I’m conscious he’ll come back at some point so I would need to go back in to work then so would prefer to keep some kind of job on the cards. Definitely would use the money for a cleaner etc!

It’s long haul distance but I think we’d probably see him about every 6 weeks.

You’re absolutely right - he says he’s doing it for the family / long term career but it’s hard not to feel as though it’s choosing “that” over us (climbing up the career ladder has never been that important to me, and my son and husband is - I really loved lockdowns and love school holidays to get to be with them all the time / more).

It’s a contract where he would stay a minimum of a year, but beyond that stay as long as he wanted. No guaranteed job on return but he’d find another job easily so not worried about that. Thanks so much for the really helpful info on tax kitchenhelprequired - I’ll look into all of that.

Somewhat alarming how many stories there are of cheating / meeting other women. I absolutely trust him but I know there would be niggles as I’d feel so mumsy / frumpy being at home childcaring / house working / juggling etc while he would be filling his time with going to the gym / new friends etc.

I absolutely appreciate too that single parents are probably getting out the tiny violin at me thinking all of this!

You haven’t answered my question — why are the options you stay or go, but he definitely takes the job either way?

Velvian · 05/11/2024 06:57

It wouldn't be for me. Will he consider not taking it?

Is it really worth jeopardising your marriage, your child's stability just for more money? There are much more important things than money, particularly if you have a good lifestyle currently.

DogFoodCompensation · 05/11/2024 07:07

It just feels so weird / wrong to me to be married but I’m doing all the boring juggling while he gets to live what feels like a single man lifestyle?!

Tell him that you're amenable to him going, but he has to take your son with him for the year/two years/whatever you agree and be responsible for making sure he settles and is happy and safe in the new country.

If he balks, there's your answer.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2024 07:09

OriginalShutters · 05/11/2024 06:55

You haven’t answered my question — why are the options you stay or go, but he definitely takes the job either way?

Show quote history

Looks like he's made his mind up. He's going regardless.

HonestPayforHonestWork · 05/11/2024 07:14

Errr this would be marriage-ending for me. So your husband is a-ok to up and leave you and your child for 1-2 years? Maybe seeing you every 6 weeks? I see where his priorities are. Don’t believe the ‘it’s for our future’ nonsense. It’s for his ego.

PermanentTemporary · 05/11/2024 07:22

Was he headhunted or did he apply?

Was he really happy to come home or would he have preferred to stay out there?

My honest view is that if he WANTS to live apart from his EIGHT year old child for one or two years, he's fucking cold. That's a quarter of his child's life. Really,really important time.

This would put a shard of ice in my heart. I'm afraid I would focus on building a network of friends and support for myself. And thee would always be a 'fuck him' option in my mind.