Husband moving abroad, us staying here - what will it be like?

[PinkThings]

My husband has been offered a job abroad to be away for 1-2 years. We came back from living abroad (in a different country) a year ago and I have no interest in going back out. He's got a well paid job here…but has been offered a job that’s 5x his current salary out there. We've been happily married for years and have an 8 year old son. I can appreciate the life changes that that amount of money can bring, but I feel like he’s choosing money over our life / our child / me. Am I being melodramatic? Would love to hear from others whose partners have done similar and how they found it. I’m pretty capable but we don’t have parents or a network of friends particularly close by - I wfh full time. It just feels so weird / wrong to me to be married but I’m doing all the boring juggling while he gets to live what feels like a single man lifestyle?! Or should I just appreciate / enjoy the money and suck it up?!

You are both making decisions which exclude the other.

If where you are is where you want to be until DS is 18, say, then you have a better chance of building a network when he is younger and you can still be on the sidelines for footie games/doing lift shares to Cubs etc.

Could you make a deal that he just goes for 1 year? The money would be a huge temptation for me to tell him to go, especially if it's going to change your lifestyle long term, bigger house etc however, I think your marriage has to be very strong to survive it and I'd be asking myself, is it worth the risk?
1, he's very likely to cheat. He's in a different country where no-one knows him and especially you, it's not like you'll ever find out! But once he does it once . . .
2, it's a huge adjustment for you and your son, after being just the 2 of you for that long and set in your own routine, you will likely find it difficult him being home again.
3, how much will you resent him, while you're stuck at home doing the 9-5 and all the mumsy things and he's living the high life
4, what's the chances he'll get very used to the fantastic lifestyle and find it very difficult to just settle at home after

We’ve picked the “boring” UK life over the expat life. I absolutely agree, the small stuff - living walking distance from school, standing in the rain on the side of the rugby pitch, they all appeal to me more than the glamour of expat life does.

I hate to be another one banging on about infidelity, but yes, it happens, a lot. Especially if it’s a country with a lot of single or unaccompanied expats - “work hard play hard” covers a lot… I think a lot of spouses just block the thought to cope.

Be careful of throwing money at the hardship of you staying - what proportion of the salary increase will actually go on a cleaner, gardener, extra flights to visit one another, etc?

If you are going to see each other every six weeks, it's not much worse than husbands who work away and come home exhausted for weekends. And with the easy communication now, you can talk (and see each other) every day. Don't think about the two years just think about each six weeks segment of it. He's not going to miss out that much on your DC growing up, they can talk everyday and catch up properly every six weeks. And at the end you will all have a nice chunk of money saved up.

I’d see that as being in a crossroad tbh.
He enjoys the lifestyle coming with being an expat. He wouldn’t have looked for another job abroad if this wasn’t the case (or considered it if he was headhunted)
As a trailing spouse, you prefer to be back at home.

Both of tou have very valid reasons to do so.
But it seems that your aims in life are going different ways.

Now it might be that, once he is away, he’ll realise that actually, being with his family is ‘better’.
Or he’ll have achieved whatever is essential for him (eg paying off a mortgage)
But it’s going to be hard not to grow apart whilst he is away. So only because your lives will be so different. You’ll find new routines that work for you agd your ds but maybe not for him. Your ds will grow and change too.

Don't think about the two years just think about each six weeks segment of it

But this is nonsense- OP will be primary parent for two years, with DH attending the odd footie game and going on holidays with them.

I really wouldn’t be impressed with my husband if he expected to either keep damaging my career by expecting me to follow him around or he was willing to separate from our child for any length of time.

if I was going to try to make my marriage work in this situation I would want a few concrete concessions.

1. all income is pooled. I benefit from this as much as he does
2. my pension is topped up to the absolute maximum for the duration of his absence since I am having to take on the full role of parenting with the limitations that brings to my career growth
3. a portion of our budget will be spent on things that make taking on all hands-on parenting responsibilities easier.
4. the primary focus would be growing long term savings, not holidays or bigger houses. This needs to make my life better in the long term, not just now.

Crikey. Not all men cheat you know. Some men do have integrity. My dh and I have spent a lot of time apart over the years and both of us have remained faithful. There was never even a hint of unfaithfulness and we’ve been married a long time. Depends on your bloke I suppose.

Edited to say:

I enjoy my own company so life apart may not suit you if you don’t. And life alone with dc is obviously demanding.

Reunion weekends with your dh can be great fun 😉

We have had a very similar set up for many, many years.
The one thing, for us, that makes it do-able is that for six months a year we are in the same time zone. The rest of the year it is just an hour’s difference.
I don’t think we’d have coped if we had to live around clashing clocks.
it might seem like such a minor thing, but it means we all chat on our way to work/school in the morning. We chat while cooking dinner, then at bedtime. Plus, impromptu calls throughout the day. Not having to calculate what time each other is on means that we stay much closer as a family.

Some good advice here op. I have had family members live apart while working and my husband works away 2-3 days a week and stays in our second home (the MN hated second home). It’s a second marriage our children are grown. My advice is limited to…do not quit your FT WFH job. Keep that just in case. Yes cheating is so very very common and marriages have failed. Use the extra money he is earning (not yours) to buy you free time. My masters educated daughter babysits every week for a young family for xtra (tax free) money. I’m USA so she profiled on caregivers.com and many were looking for college educated females. Book this regularly for yourself. Give it a try living separate. You can always move there if you both miss him too much or he is missing you two. But keep your job so you are financially safe. Oh and I would keep the house too at this point. Simpler less expensive and will
be plenty of space for you both. You can always house upgrade in the future. Pay down that mortgage as a safety net also. Stay in the house YOU can afford as a single parent so no forced move in the future if the marriage fails. Sorry this is more negative than I want it to be ….

Wow, im surprised by the negative comments. Not all men cheat and its sad that people would even say that. Did anyone say if the OP would cheat while he was away? Probs not, but thats mumsnet for you.

I asked my son what we would do in the situation and we both agreed it would be life changing money for us so we would suck it up for a year.

Go for it OP, your DH obv. has his sensible future thinking hat on and 12months isnt really that long and you could change your whole life to benefit you while you build an amazing life at home for him to come back to. I think you are very lucky and would give anything to be in your situation.

Did anyone say if the OP would cheat while he was away? Probs not, but thats mumsnet for you.

And the practicality that OP is in charge of an 8 year old every night. Let’s not forget that point.

(I tend to agree that describing cheating as practically inevitable is OTT, but let’s not pretend it would be equally as easy for either spouse!)

His salary would be equivalent to getting paid £400k in the UK…an eye watering amount I just can’t really comprehend.

If the salary is 5 times higher cost of living there will be too. And OP needs to be mindful of her pension etc.

How ok I'd be with this depends largely on where it is. I work often in a Caribbean location where this is a really common setup with the husband there and wife and DC in the UK.

There is a whole work and social culture there that revolves around these 'single' men drinking heavily and shagging around and I'd be uncomfortable with it for that reason.

Having read the recent thread about the OP whose DH earned 500k p.a. and how that merely enabled him to spend eye watering amounts on his mistress I'm extremely cynical that large amounts of salary equate to happiness.
I totally support OP's view point that other things are far more important than a large income and a life style where they both enjoy the upbringing of their child in a suitable environment and where all members of the family can be happy is much more important than money.

It would seem if OP's DH turned down this job opportunity they would still be relatively well off so why put greed and career enhancement before the family happiness in general?

Are you the person who's OH was offered a job in Texas?

It would be the end of my marriage.

And I say that as someone who has been a lone parent for 20 years.

DH and I did it for a while (until COVID hit and he managed to get to the UK). We are mortgage free now which given I have significant health issues really helps ease the stress.

DH wasn’t out partying though. It was work, gym, FaceTime.

When you say he will be home every 6 weeks, how long for? My job has me away for 8 weeks at a time but then I'm home for 8 so I take over all the house and kid stuff that my partner had to do while I was gone. It also means when I'm home we know that we have 8 weeks as a family to spend as much quality time together as possible. Which is obviously very different from if your husband is away for 6 weeks and home for a weekend. It can work but it's hard. I've been the one left at home parenting and the one away, but are better/worse in their own ways.

For one or two years if life changing then I would be tempted. Plenty of people manage to make it work short term at least

For that salary I’d go with him. It could really improve your future.🤷‍♀️

If I were you, I'd go with him. You work from home and your DC is young enough for it not to impact them.

The 2 years will absolutely fly by, and it would be a mistake for him to go out there on his own.

Someone who can WFH is not usually able to be permanently based in another country and do it, as taxation gets complicated for the employer. Not to mention right to work for a trailing spouse.