Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Husband moving abroad, us staying here - what will it be like?

105 replies

PinkThings · 04/11/2024 21:12

My husband has been offered a job abroad to be away for 1-2 years. We came back from living abroad (in a different country) a year ago and I have no interest in going back out. He's got a well paid job here…but has been offered a job that’s 5x his current salary out there. We've been happily married for years and have an 8 year old son. I can appreciate the life changes that that amount of money can bring, but I feel like he’s choosing money over our life / our child / me. Am I being melodramatic? Would love to hear from others whose partners have done similar and how they found it. I’m pretty capable but we don’t have parents or a network of friends particularly close by - I wfh full time. It just feels so weird / wrong to me to be married but I’m doing all the boring juggling while he gets to live what feels like a single man lifestyle?! Or should I just appreciate / enjoy the money and suck it up?!

OP posts:
PinkThings · 05/11/2024 07:38

Intheband · 05/11/2024 06:47

My husband has just started a new job and is away 2 weeks home 1. We jointly chose this job as it’s good money but also a step up the ladder in his field and my kids are 11 and 9 so becoming more independent.

my dad worked away ALOT! But I must say my kids have chatted to their dad more in the two weeks away on FaceTime than I did in a couple of years 30 years ago when international phone minutes were expensive.

could you go out all the holidays to stay with him?

This is what my husband keeps trying to tell me - that he’d talk more with us! I’m not convinced - I think it’s all the random incidental chats about mundane / small stuff that’s nice and I just can’t see that coming up when we’d talk on FaceTime. I know when I talk to my parents I tell them the “big” stuff and it’s not until I’m actually with them that you have the chats about the random little things.

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 05/11/2024 07:57

I am in a slightly different situation, but somewhat similar.

DH had to work abroad (or likely face redundancy) in the financial crash 50% for 4 years - he left on the 12 noon bus on a Sunday, was away for 2 weeks literally on the other side of the world, got home at around 1pm on a Saturday, worked at home for 2 weeks and he had 1 full weekend at home per month. While DD was 5-9 years old.

And last year, I got an opportunity to go abroad for a role I have always been interested in - in the middle of DD's final year of school and run up to exams. (And DH's role is now less mobile). So I went solo and travelled home as much as possible (9 weeks initially but then had a 2.5 week Christmas break, mostly every 4 weeks or so after that). And since DD exams were finished, both of them have come individually to me a number of times, and now DDog has found a new family to love, they can come together. Except that DH will be at home until the middle of December to be there for DD going home from uni in another overseas city in Europe for national team hockey training to go to a tournament in December...but both want to come here for Christmas. And I will be home at least once in that period.

Being away this time is much easier as the tech is so much better. DH and I are sitting eating dinner "together" most nights, over FaceTime. The time difference and the hours I work mean that works well, and we catch up on our day and sometimes even watch a programme together while on a call. Email each other (as we used to do at home occasionally) about bills etc. Transfer money much easier through internet banking and Revolut.

But it is hard both being the person travelling and the person who stays home. When I was the parent at home, I got an au pair to help with school runs (I was still doing a more than FT hours job) and we had a cleaner for part of the time. I was very organised anyway but had to be ruthless on laundry, organising meals and planning ahead. I wasn't good about making time for myself (I officially had babysitting from AP but they tended to go away for weekends, which was when I could have made time for the cinema etc), but I took the odd day off just for me.

The one thing DH found odd was that I learned how to be an independent person and the one running things at home. And that was when we had a routine for when he was away and I did tend to step back again when he was home - but I was still more confident than before he went as I had to manage whatever happened. Which included a DGP passing away and all that went with that (my DGP), a couple of big household repairs that he normally would deal with, and doing all the day to day running of the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, afterschool clubs etc.

It was hard, but we knew it had to happen. And DD got very used to the slightly different (some bits more military, some bits more lax) regime when he was away. She talked to him most days even on the dodgy video calls we were able to do - as I said, now I can be part of the background chatter going on in the kitchen as the 2 of them are chatting away at times and chime in almost as if I was still there.

PinkThings · 05/11/2024 07:58

OriginalShutters · 05/11/2024 06:55

You haven’t answered my question — why are the options you stay or go, but he definitely takes the job either way?

He wouldn’t go if I was really definite about it being an absolute no, but I can see the benefits of the money so it’s hard for it to be an absolute no. We’ve had loads of discussions about it.

OP posts:
PinkThings · 05/11/2024 08:00

Velvian · 05/11/2024 06:57

It wouldn't be for me. Will he consider not taking it?

Is it really worth jeopardising your marriage, your child's stability just for more money? There are much more important things than money, particularly if you have a good lifestyle currently.

This is what I keep saying - money isn’t the be all and end all.

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 05/11/2024 08:01

DH and I do talk about the small bits - because we talk to each other at least once a day, and we tend to have that 20-30 minutes call while we're having dinner so the random mundane things have time to come up.

The weeks that one of us is a bit mad and we only have a short daily call - they're the weeks that the mundane chat gets lost and we need to make time for a proper weekend catchup. But it's extremely rare that we don't have at least a call once a day, even if it's a quick "Hi, all ok? Nuts here, love you, bye" type call, and we usually have a few WhatsApp's/texts/emails in between even on those weeks.

Soupwithstring · 05/11/2024 08:05

OP, I so know how you are feeling. We moved abroad with DC when they were 2+4. Moved back when 4+6.

For the last 6 months DH moved home and we stayed to finish the school year. He flew to London every Monday morning at 4am and returned at midnight on Thursdays and worked in the local office on Friday.

We werent unusual, the children were in an international school of sorts and quite a few parents - dads and mums, did long chunks OS.

I found it OK generally. I was a sahm, I loved being a sahm and I had lots of similar mum friends. It was tough when I got a terrible chest infection and my mum had to fly out to me.

I would personally have stayed at home too after already doing one stint with DH. I wanted to be back in the UK, we moved house, started new schools and started to establish ourselves again.

I think it can be done, but you need to not expect too much from each other, be kind to each other as you will both be knackered all the time.

Also, you need to be able to throw money at cleaning, gardening and online supermarket shopping.

PinkThings · 05/11/2024 08:07

DogFoodCompensation · 05/11/2024 07:07

It just feels so weird / wrong to me to be married but I’m doing all the boring juggling while he gets to live what feels like a single man lifestyle?!

Tell him that you're amenable to him going, but he has to take your son with him for the year/two years/whatever you agree and be responsible for making sure he settles and is happy and safe in the new country.

If he balks, there's your answer.

He’d be fine with taking my son - I however wouldn’t! I hate that he’s back at school so I haven’t got him around today! My son is incredibly resilient and would settle immediately into a new life / school…but that doesn’t mean we should uproot him again.

OP posts:
PinkThings · 05/11/2024 08:17

PermanentTemporary · 05/11/2024 07:22

Was he headhunted or did he apply?

Was he really happy to come home or would he have preferred to stay out there?

My honest view is that if he WANTS to live apart from his EIGHT year old child for one or two years, he's fucking cold. That's a quarter of his child's life. Really,really important time.

This would put a shard of ice in my heart. I'm afraid I would focus on building a network of friends and support for myself. And thee would always be a 'fuck him' option in my mind.

A bit of both really - friend of a friend sort of faint interest chat ages ago which has turned into an actual offer. He was definitely happy to come back so it’s not the lifestyle he’s missing, it’s purely about the money. I absolutely agree with you though - I can’t have any more children myself so unless we adopt etc, my son is our one and only, so to me, this time with him is ultra precious. I got married because I wanted to be around that person all the time. I really miss my son when he’s away for even one night, so I cannot understand how he can conceive being away from him so much.

OP posts:
TalesOfTheGoldMonkey · 05/11/2024 08:22

Two years will fly by. Just allow for a period of adjustment when he gets home, and you find he is getting in the way.

SheilaFentiman · 05/11/2024 08:31

There are lots of ways to “ do things for the family” - earning a stack of money is one way, being around to parent is another.

PinkThings · 05/11/2024 08:34

TalesOfTheGoldMonkey · 05/11/2024 08:22

Two years will fly by. Just allow for a period of adjustment when he gets home, and you find he is getting in the way.

This is another thing I’m worried about! Adjusting to life with him back when we’ll have routines, then adjusting when he goes again!

OP posts:
PinkThings · 05/11/2024 08:42

BiddyPop · 05/11/2024 08:01

DH and I do talk about the small bits - because we talk to each other at least once a day, and we tend to have that 20-30 minutes call while we're having dinner so the random mundane things have time to come up.

The weeks that one of us is a bit mad and we only have a short daily call - they're the weeks that the mundane chat gets lost and we need to make time for a proper weekend catchup. But it's extremely rare that we don't have at least a call once a day, even if it's a quick "Hi, all ok? Nuts here, love you, bye" type call, and we usually have a few WhatsApp's/texts/emails in between even on those weeks.

Thanks so much! Your messages are really reassuring!

OP posts:
CocoDC · 05/11/2024 08:45

I don’t understand why you can’t go with him. You’ve lived abroad anyway, it’s a short term contract, and you would get your family life on 5 x current salary. This whole idea of ‘pausing real life’ is such a defeatist way of looking at life. If you’re having fun and making money you need to live life.

PinkThings · 05/11/2024 08:48

Soupwithstring · 05/11/2024 08:05

OP, I so know how you are feeling. We moved abroad with DC when they were 2+4. Moved back when 4+6.

For the last 6 months DH moved home and we stayed to finish the school year. He flew to London every Monday morning at 4am and returned at midnight on Thursdays and worked in the local office on Friday.

We werent unusual, the children were in an international school of sorts and quite a few parents - dads and mums, did long chunks OS.

I found it OK generally. I was a sahm, I loved being a sahm and I had lots of similar mum friends. It was tough when I got a terrible chest infection and my mum had to fly out to me.

I would personally have stayed at home too after already doing one stint with DH. I wanted to be back in the UK, we moved house, started new schools and started to establish ourselves again.

I think it can be done, but you need to not expect too much from each other, be kind to each other as you will both be knackered all the time.

Also, you need to be able to throw money at cleaning, gardening and online supermarket shopping.

Exactly - throwing money at anything to help will solve some things definitely! Being abroad there are loads of other mums in similar situations so somehow it seems easier / nicer there - friends become your family. I feel exactly the same though - I’m trying to establish ourselves here and I just don’t want to uproot and reestablish yet again.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 05/11/2024 08:51

CocoDC · 05/11/2024 08:45

I don’t understand why you can’t go with him. You’ve lived abroad anyway, it’s a short term contract, and you would get your family life on 5 x current salary. This whole idea of ‘pausing real life’ is such a defeatist way of looking at life. If you’re having fun and making money you need to live life.

Because she has found work here and is establishing DS in school here. It’s good for both partners to work in case of later marital or health issues.

Soupwithstring · 05/11/2024 08:51

CocoDC · 05/11/2024 08:45

I don’t understand why you can’t go with him. You’ve lived abroad anyway, it’s a short term contract, and you would get your family life on 5 x current salary. This whole idea of ‘pausing real life’ is such a defeatist way of looking at life. If you’re having fun and making money you need to live life.

I think in theory it is only a short contract of 2 years, but we found that with small children 2 years is a long time, even though we thoroughly dug into making friends, joining the PTA, socialising, hours at the park with the children etc

I do have friends who stayed on the expat track and are on their 3rd country and the children never got back to the UK and are now older teens. Not for me.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/11/2024 08:55

Was in a similar situation when we came back from living abroad. Had got established back in UK, no family near, and DH offered amazing job.

We decided to stay in UK. He didn't want to go abroad without us and we were/are genuinely loving being back in the UK.

I knew a few families who do the dad working abroad thing and mum does tend to get the shitty end of the stick! Also know of a couple whose marriage didn't survive due to infidelity.

I think if it's near enough for weekends at home or you travelling out regularly then it's doable, but weeks at a time becomes a strain, and he will miss out on a lot with your child.

gladpurpledog · 05/11/2024 09:06

Is it Dubai?

SheilaFentiman · 05/11/2024 09:06

Also, son is 8 so might be in year 3 but is probably in year 4. This is a 1-2 year contract but, if OP wants DS to do secondary in the UK, she will need to be home with him by 31/10/26 to apply. There may be a preference for feeder primaries and OP may not get back into her current one. Don’t know if they let out their house whilst away, but if so, it is getting harder to evict tenants at the exact time that suits.

So it is not as easy as “ just go with him” - lots to think about

(I have friends who are more or less stuck overseas now because of schooling timing)

Oreyt · 05/11/2024 09:08

I would ask him not to take the job.

Not the same but DH has just left the military after 22 years and the coming and going drive me crazy. However the money was shit.

YouveGotAFastCar · 05/11/2024 09:11

I’m trying to establish ourselves here and I just don’t want to uproot and reestablish yet again.

That's fine - but that could equally be portrayed as you choosing to prioritise establishing yourself where you are now over an opportunity which has strong positives for your family unit.

It's going to be a compromise. The upside of you staying is you get to continue to establish yourself, and your routines don't change. The downside is that you've got to juggle it all yourself - albeit with higher income, which should allow for more help like a cleaner, buying in meals etc if that's useful - and then you've got to rebuild routines for when he leaves, and then when he comes back.

There's then the risk that either you or he will find that they prefer the lifestyle they have over the one you've got together, but there's not much you can do to mitigate that, other than try and keep each other really involved in your lives, and see each other as often as possible.

FishOnTheTrain · 05/11/2024 09:15

I’m torn. My husband had a few stints abroad but we don’t have children.

I think I’d find it really hard to comprehend that he would cope with being away from his son. I do think that if you’re using the money to set yourselves up and he PROMISES it’s for two years only then I would consider it and probably be ok with it in the end.

Kids are resilient. My dad worked away a lot and my cousins dad did too (for 6 months at a time!). Both of us are fine!

Geranen · 05/11/2024 09:23

Wish mine would do this. Currently overseas with him and I'd far rather that arrangement. He would miss the kids too much though. I wonder if yours realises how hard it will be to be away from his DC. It can be much harder in practice than in imagination.

Geranen · 05/11/2024 09:25

@CocoDC have you done long stints abroad, especially for a spouse's job, not your own? It's really not uncommon to just burn out on it, often unexpectedly. It's not defeatist to feel she would be pausing real life if she has now found the life she wants to live and doesn't want to leave it, it reflects reality actually.

FelixtheAardvark · 05/11/2024 09:27

It's the same sort of time frame as a standard Armed Forces deployment for 5 x the salary?

Why on earth would you say "no"?