Husband moving abroad, us staying here - what will it be like?

[PinkThings]

My husband has been offered a job abroad to be away for 1-2 years. We came back from living abroad (in a different country) a year ago and I have no interest in going back out. He's got a well paid job here…but has been offered a job that’s 5x his current salary out there. We've been happily married for years and have an 8 year old son. I can appreciate the life changes that that amount of money can bring, but I feel like he’s choosing money over our life / our child / me. Am I being melodramatic? Would love to hear from others whose partners have done similar and how they found it. I’m pretty capable but we don’t have parents or a network of friends particularly close by - I wfh full time. It just feels so weird / wrong to me to be married but I’m doing all the boring juggling while he gets to live what feels like a single man lifestyle?! Or should I just appreciate / enjoy the money and suck it up?!

To me this would be absolutely no way. It’s interesting hearing people talk about this as their normal experience. I’d have no interest in raising children alone and the potential changes to the relationship with my partner for the sake of money. DH has talked about working away for a night or two and I’d make this work but would rather not. It’s maybe because my dad worked away. He wasn’t that interested in us - he’ll say he did it for us but I know deep down it was because he struggled with being in a family and it was a great excuse to escape. Not saying this is the same with your DH but personally I’d not entertain the idea; if he was insistent it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I think living so far apart for 1-2 years could potentially be very damaging to your marriage. Out of sight is out of mind and all that. I think I'd be very concerned about the potential for the two of you drifting apart and living very different lives in different countries with different routines and the potential for him cheating with a colleague who is living the same life as him, far away from his wife and son. This would concern me greatly, however strong your marriage is currently.

Many people would not marry someone in the armed forces for this reason, and OP did not.

They have just completed a stint abroad and all are settled here with work and school. This is an unexpected opportunity - lucrative, yes, but it sounds like they are fine for money on the work they currently have.

To add a different perspective - my parents did this! I am the oldest of 3 siblings and when I was mid-teens my dad took a job in an African country.
He came back every 2-3 weeks for a long weekend and skype called us.
I think it worked ok for my parents, my mum felt a bit like a single mum when he was away and did everything obviously (she worked too but not full time). When he was back he felt a bit superfluous.

On the face of it it was fine, and his job paid for amazing things like private school, holiday homes, nice house, they gave us deposits for our own homes etc. BUT... It's probably worth saying that I wouldn't choose this life for my family personally. I don't think I/my siblings are as close to my dad because of this, although it's recovering a bit now. My brother is keen to do this though so it wasn't awful, but now I have my own kids I can't imagine not seeing them every day, and just wouldn't want to miss out on their childhoods like that. I don't think the money is worth it.

Many similarities to your storey. We had recently returned having been expats for many years with a great lifestyle etc, 2 school age children and getting settled when my husband moved abroad to work long haul.

It was things I had not even thought of as tough and I have ended up going part time as it was just so full on but it is absolutely doable.

My husband never takes for granted that it is hard doing the daily grind at home and I fully appreciate the sacrifice he is making being away from the family but this was very much a joint decision and one to support the family in the coming years financially.

I have a great support network around me that I built up which has helped, its things like kids of sick/ closed for teacher training, when you are sick (ie last minute changes to our routine) that it’s tough.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

If he is going to do it you really need to have an indepth conversation about how you will keep your relationship alive. You also need to have a discussion about what you both want long term for your child and where that will be. I would worry he would get to a year and say oh just 1 more year and then another and another because the money or life style pulls him in. If his adamant his son is best placed where he is and had the best opportunities that will be more of a pull back otherwise he may be thinking he can talk you round. It needs to be a fixed term you both agree for him to be there

Timezones - is it compatible with daily chats over dinner or will he be in the office when you two are eating an evening meal? I used to travel for work a lot and it was much much easier when not too far out of whack with the home timetable.
Frequency of visits - is every 6 weeks plus at least some school holidays out there going to eat into that lovely 5 x salary to the extent the benefit is much reduced.
Finite period - what's the end game here? Why would he come back? Is it to pay off the mortgage? Buy a different house in catchment for a great school? Save up private school fees?
What happens if the career progression isn't there in two years but the job still is, and he can't make the jump up the ladder and come home? Is it a random contract OR is it progression/opportunity within his current company. ie - is it only cash and international experience or a solid career ladder talent development programme he's on? 5 x salary is usually because it is either a challenging destination or somewhere like the USA where the headline tax and salary is great but lots of hidden costs not least running two homes.
Back to the end game - will he keep his eye on the prize or be at risk of temptation?
What's your objective here other than you can't face the hassle of moving again and being the trailing spouse with no job or future security. Perfectly valid reason but are the downsides worth it if your son can be tutored and back in the UK on time to sit school entrance tests at the start of year 6?

Same timeframe? She can see her husband every 6 weeks not every 6 months.

I'd go with him, but I don't think I'd feel as happily settled as you clearly are in your current situation. 5x current salary is pretty immense!

If I were you I'd need to think about where I want to be post contract, in 2 years time - if you go.
What do YOU want to achieve, your son at 11 will be heading off to secondary school, you'll be wanting to go back to work - so personally I'd see it as an opportunity to develop MY career and look at what qualifications I can earn while away with husband.
When then back in the UK what would your earning potential/pension earning potential and above all interesting career position be?

How would that compare with you staying here?

Yes!!! That endless moving from country to country every few years doesn’t appeal at all.

Not in a milliom years would I say yes to this. It's the high road to affair city and splitsville.

How much extra money are we talking? Going from £20k to £100k, or £100k to £500k - this would make a big difference to me, how much is the sacrifice worth?

I would 100% go.
Who do you think your husband is going to spend time with in evening? And weekend.

The other unattached employees will be going out and having fun. And he is likely to go with them.
There will be the women who are interested in unattached men with 5x salary.

Just reality

Or... he could not go, stay in the UK as agreed with his wife and son, and stick with the job he has here and the work that she has here.

Living abroad we had a huge house in a place that was absolutely beautiful, an amazing support network and lots of help available to us, good money, great weather, went to ridiculous hotels / holidays every 3 weeks, no ties of boring stuff like DIY or great Aunt Mabel’s 75th Birthday etc so weekends were free for trips or dinner with friends or family days out or activities like canoeing or paddle boarding. So on paper, yes it seems crazy to leave all of that or not go to a different country to have that again….however a grey Saturday watching my son at football followed by going on the tube into London and a food shop at sainsburys with Saturday tv being all cosy at home in my normal sized house…I’d pick that over the abroad life any day. Life abroad is like Christmas every day - amazing….but then you don’t actually appreciate or enjoy Christmas when it’s every day and you actually just want a standard day. It can become false and transient and flippant and can feel a bit like Groundhog Day. And you never quite feel like you belong in that country…and you go home and it’s all so familiar but not familiar because you don’t live there and people and things are changing so you don’t belong there either. While we were out there, my best friend died so I missed out on lots to do with that, and definitely haven’t processed it properly due to being away, and life “paused” because our hope of having another baby has been virtually killed off due to regulations in that country. So absolutely not defeatist, I actually just want to live life where I like living and
do the things I’ve missed while being away (last ditch attempt at baby / see family / make school mum friends etc).

No not Dubai.

My priority would be keeping the family together. A million pound salary wouldn't be enough (I know what I'm talking about here).

So really the choice is between a few years making x5 the money you could in the UK, and you enjoying your life back in the UK. (Your DH and son seem adaptable and ready to go).

Honestly, I'd go with him. I'd squirrel away as much as possible for a nice easy life when eventually you move back. You only have the one kid, you could set him up for life with the amount of money you could save. To me, that's worth 1/2/3 years of lifestyle that I don't love but don't hate either.

Yes exactly!! Year 4 and had a whole palaver getting him back into a school when we came back - secondary I think it’s even more crucial to get the right school / to go fully settled and ideally go with some established friends.

I think that’s what I’m finding the hardest - how can the person I’ve known ages, who loves being a dad, suddenly make this decision that actually there’s a price on how much he likes being a dad and thinks that life without us in person every day is an acceptable life. While I’d prefer a rubbish job but seeing my son as many minutes as I can.

I don’t think so - life would carry on as usual for me minus him, his would be exciting for a bit and new novelty etc but I’m sure he’d be bored and find it way harder than he realises.

If it was me, I’d be looking at my husband in a whole new light. I would change my stance to being as mercenary as he is, and work out exactly how me and my child will be benefiting from this supposedly unmissable 5x salary that’s more important than a family life. As pp said, the 5x what would make a difference, but also how much of that money will you be having access to? Because I’d be doing something like investing in some clever way that divorce can’t touch, and giving my child a massive - untouchable in divorce - future financial boost. I’d also be living my best life and actually enjoying myself, not moping about waiting for every six weeks to roll around.

Maybe he sees it differently though?

I think if he is a good father generally then to frame this as him having a price on how much he likes being a dad is a bit harsh imho!

I’m not often on the blokes side of things on Mumsnet but in his head maybe he is seeing this as the opportunity to be a great provider for his son?

Have you asked him?

Also, it’s not often a person gets offered x5 their usual salary, especially at a time when there are redundancies and financial
strife. Maybe he thinks he would be being a very bad family man if he turns this once in a lifetime opportunity down.

[ Obviously, he has to be sure that it’s a sound offer and it won’t be a case of first in, company crash, first out! X5 your salary does sound a bit too good to be true!]

Men often show love through acts of service and maybe that’s what he thinks he is doing, whereas you would value his hands on presence more. Neither is wrong. You need to talk and thrash out the pros and cons together.

How long has he been away for? Was there ever a question that he wouldn’t go? I definitely don’t have that support network here…but I know if I went, it’s yet again building that network out there and not having it here, still, when we’d return. Has there ever been niggles about infidelity? I wasn’t really worried before about that but this thread has been endless tales of cheating!

Ha I love this! I am looking at him in a whole new light!! I’d have access to as much of it as I wanted. We’d benefit from all kinds of shallow things like bigger house, holidays, having a cleaner, paying to get the dream kitchen etc. I could retrain / work less / not work in the time (but I just don’t know what else I’d do) which could be a positive life change for me.