How do I deal with this at school now Halloween and Christmas is coming up?

[Howtodealwiththisatschool]

In short, my dd has become disabled, so I no longer work, she needs round the clock care.

I budget well so we have everything we need and a small amount for a few extras.

Last year we got some new PTA people, every Halloween and Christmas disco and event they stood directly outside of the door stopping each parent on the way in and asking for donations.

Now this time of year is already full of 'pay a pound and wear an Xmas jumper' or 'enter this colouring contest for 50p' or 'buy these decorations for £2' - I budget for all of these so my dc don't miss out, but I can't afford multiple (dc in different year groups so at least 2 of each event) donations and raffles and its bloody embarrassing to stand and explain I'm skint.

I did email the school and explained that them standing outside and directly asking for money from everyone puts parents in a hell of a position, and they just said the school needs funds but they can refer me to a charity for a Christmas present for my dc (which I don't need) and so the standing outside nativity plays, discos, parent days etc continued.

I'm a single parent so I go to everything, usually 2 of each nativity, there will be at least 4 discos, 2 more parent days, Christmas fayre, and a few other things, amd I don't want to have to explain to pushy strangers that I'm poor.

What can I do?

They're manipulating you into keeping coughing up. They're making you feel its just you, but it isn't, its a tactic to get more money in. I guarantee other parents aren't donating on the door. No is a complete sentence. you don't have to give a reason, just a simple "No" or "not today".

I've been in the position of not being comfortable to pay. I either said that I gave to a mythical 'someone else' last Wednesday, and airlily said 'no idea, sorry' if pressed on who that was, or said cheerfully but firmly, 'outside my budget this year'. And walked off.

Repeated as necessary. Had anyone had the nerve to question my budget I would have crossly told them that was intrusive and unreasonable.

(Edit: typo)

You don't have to say anything. Just 'no thanks' and continue walking and ignore anything else they say.

Just reply Right you are, I haven't and I won't be.
If they ask why just pull out the toddler answer. Because I said so.

Failing that, Fuck off is always an option.

They are being reasonable. I agree just say “sorry no change or cards on me”. Thats the truth a lot of the time for a lot of people.dont let them get to you. You are doing a great job. 🙏

I just wouldn’t put it in if I’m asked directly, but I don’t care. Although I wouldn’t let my child go into the class empty handed, saying that, I can guarantee he will come home with the pound in his bag.

I can't be the only one with a box full of pesetas, drachma etc., find someone who can let you have some and chuck a few of those in.

Take to the chair of governors (as suggested by another post).
It is so thoughtless and shows that the PTA do not understand their families.
In some more affluent areas…only notes go in those buckets and they are placed with a hair flicking arrogance.
PTA need to be more inventive. Sell tea and coffee (and not for £2 per cup ffs), have buckets positioned at events but not held and shaken, encourage regular anonymous bank donations from those who can (though the lack of platform would upset the hair flickers).
don’t get me started on schools trips..£30 for a 1/2 day trip down the road to a free woodland reserve with a home packed lunch. I could afford it (and paid it, but bloody begrudged it) but still wish that I had piped up behalf of others.
Much value can be added from parent to schools PTA without needing money (volunteering for classes and trips, cleaning up the playground, decorating, collecting 2nd hand book donations from the community setting up fund raising events, 2nd hand uniform sales etc)
You sound like an absolutely lovely mum. You won’t be the only one to feel this way about your PTA. Just smile and walk on.

I don't think I've ever heard of a charge to watch a Nativity Play! Is this common now?

I would be absolutely raging if I heard PTA say this to anyone. That's diagraceful and if the Head isn't listening, I'd take it higher up.

I'd buy a pack of toy money and drop that in if you wanted to avoid anymore confrontation. It sounds like you already have your hands full and they're just not listening. I know it's easy to say you should fight it but we're all only human. So if you're just done fighting right now then I'd just put in fake money or a penny so it still makes a sound when it's dropped into whatever they're holding. Assuming it's a covered container where they can't see it going in anyway. I'm sorry they're such shits about it all.

Tell them, "No, I haven't forgotten my donation. I'm choosing not to donate. I object to being shaken down in public like this."

Then walk in.

Don't make any more excuses. You don't owe anyone an explanation for refusing to contribute. Other people who can better afford a donation can contribute if they wish.

I would drop 1p in just to piss them off, spiteful cows. I had the same problem when ds primary school were hassling parents for a £30 per term "voluntary" donation. I was a single parent & £30 represented everything I had per week to feed & clothe me & ds. After the second text I blocked the school number.

There are rules about what schools can and can't charge for. A nativity play is surely part of the RE curriculum so they cannot legally charge for it. They can ask for donations but a donation is a voluntary contribution.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5af99c8ae5274a25e78bbe30/Charging_for_school_activities.pdf

Put something in writing saying they are breaking the law and asking for a written policy on donations.

I'm a bitch so I would also offer to supply them with a dictionary.

I would complain, of course and I like that you have been advised that charities can’t act like this. Ultimately would it be easier to take the tickets and save the cash from that to donate at other times?

This sounds absolutely awful OP! I am one of those people that never had cash and I would be absolutely fuming if someone was trying to humiliate me because I didn't contribute towards the school's PTA. I would definitely complain to the school again.

The only advice I would give is try not to get upset about this and worry about all of this being a result of your financial station. I could easily afford to donate to the school but absolutely wouldn't if they were treating people like this and I imagine 99% of my friends would do the same. They are harassing you and being incredibly mean and you have no duty or obligation to give anything to anyone who is treating you like that.

I used to be part of the PTA and sounds like similar numbers. I appreciate you may not be the organiser etc but one of the best things we did was use an online platform like just giving. What we found was a number of people just forget to send in a quid but are happy to donate £1. In fact most of them would donate £5. Then you get a few sharing it with all their kids relatives and some generous souls would bung in an extra £10-20.

OP I think you don't need to worry about this. It sounds like you are doing your best under very challenging circumstances. If it were me in this situation I would not have any cash on me anyway so they'd be getting nothing.

Same here, I missed pretty much everything throughout my sons entire schooling as simply did not have either the funds to pay for entry, or an employer who was happy for me to leave work early enough in order to attend..Was accused several times of not caring about my sons education! It made/makes me feel bloody awful to be honest, I refused to leave us even more short financially just to please others and definately couldn't risk getting sacked for non work attendance ( was suggested that I call in sick to work, I didn't get holiday or sick pay)
They even said to my son oh mum couldn;t be bothered again I see....

Honestly whether I could afford to donate or not, I would tell them loudly that I object to being shamed in to donating in such an aggressive manor and they have lost a dedicated supporter because of their attitudes.
Then I'd walk past with my head held high.
And if I was behind someone that did that, I'd give her a round of applause!

Totally agree with this. Save your coppers and put those in.

It's disgraceful behaviour on the part of the school.

My boys' school's attitude towards me changed terribly when I became a very impoverished single parent. Awful.

Hi OP, this is embarrassing and unnecessary, and probably counter productive as lots of people who can't chuck a fiver in will feel embarrassed to put in 20p. As a former PTA chair I would expect the school to have forwarded your email to me, for me to have a word with the other PTA helpers (and by a word I mean "pack it in FFS").
Also, if the school are ignoring your concern, and if you're in Scotland, I think you can complain to the ombudsman? https://www.spso.org.uk/faq-page#t43n11834
Good luck, it sounds like you are navigating a difficult family situation beautifully and you don't need this nonsense!

If you can, join the PTA, at least if you are holding the bucket, you're not having to put money in it. At best, you can make them see sense and understand that it's awkward for some people.

Having collecting tins on the door is over-pushy. They should not put parents in this position. Just say 'no' and walk past. You don't have to give.

Quite frankly they sound like a bunch of cunts who are insulated from the real world