How do I deal with this at school now Halloween and Christmas is coming up?

[Howtodealwiththisatschool]

In short, my dd has become disabled, so I no longer work, she needs round the clock care.

I budget well so we have everything we need and a small amount for a few extras.

Last year we got some new PTA people, every Halloween and Christmas disco and event they stood directly outside of the door stopping each parent on the way in and asking for donations.

Now this time of year is already full of 'pay a pound and wear an Xmas jumper' or 'enter this colouring contest for 50p' or 'buy these decorations for £2' - I budget for all of these so my dc don't miss out, but I can't afford multiple (dc in different year groups so at least 2 of each event) donations and raffles and its bloody embarrassing to stand and explain I'm skint.

I did email the school and explained that them standing outside and directly asking for money from everyone puts parents in a hell of a position, and they just said the school needs funds but they can refer me to a charity for a Christmas present for my dc (which I don't need) and so the standing outside nativity plays, discos, parent days etc continued.

I'm a single parent so I go to everything, usually 2 of each nativity, there will be at least 4 discos, 2 more parent days, Christmas fayre, and a few other things, amd I don't want to have to explain to pushy strangers that I'm poor.

What can I do?

@Howtodealwiththisatschool as an ex teacher I am genuinely appalled at your experiences.

When I was teaching (just a couple of years back) there were numerous discussions in staff meetings regarding the report “Cost of the School Day” which effectively highlights how all these £1s add up over the course of the year, particularly for those with multiple children. As such, we held very few pay for events. Those that we did host were clearly advertised as “optional donation £1” with ZERO pressure. There was a bucket children could add to at any point in the day and no one was monitoring who had paid and who had not - it was very much optional.

To raise money at the nativity etc there were optional raffles etc - absolutely no pressure for parents to participate Christmas Fayre /Nativity tickets etc were free.

Furthermore, before Christmas parents received a letter thanking them for their support and urging them to NOT hand in gifts for teachers. Instead donations to a local council charity for children of families financially struggling was encouraged. If parents really wanted to thank teachers beyond this they were advised to hand in a Christmas card which many children made themselves and were very much appreciated!

As PP have said please take this further with an official complaint.

You can reference this data in your complaint; https://cpag.org.uk/what-we-do/project-work/cost-school-day/resources/big-question

what a surprise

There’s history

I would email the school governors to raise this issue. Our PTA always tries to make sure no child is excluded or singled out due to financial constraints. The behaviour you are describing sounds verging on bullying. It is not acceptable and would put me off attending even if I had the money easily.

Don’t ever worry about not contributing in this way. Never stop wearing outfits if she wants to.

ignore the buckets, but don’t be embarrassed.

You are feeling bad because you just don't have the money available but even if you could afford it their behaviour is disgusting. They need it pointing out that they are bullying and trying to shame people who are struggling to get by. I expect you don't want to draw attention to yourself but I would like to loudly and publicly tell them to fuck off.

You are presumably with your very seriously disabled child at the time of being pestered?

and other children too?

I would say sorry I don't carry cash anymore-which is very true for a lot of people x

Just say 'sorry I can't today' and walk by. No one cares and even if someone does then they would be the type of person that you shouldn't pay any attention to anyway.

This isn't worth any thought whatsoever.

I would escalate to governors, and mention ofsted too. I’m so angry on your behalf. Think of it as you standing up for all those families too scared to say anything.

I am on my schools pta and we regularly check ourselves for inclusion and if we are balancing fundraising with “ hassling “ parents
and we are in a privileged location with the less well off a small minority in our school. I’m proud to say we would never do this and the cow who made the snide comments to you directly needs to be sent an email outlining your position
please contact the chair of pta ( in person if you are brave ) and tell her what you have said here
only heartless bitches would not take heed

if they don’t change their practice I would walk by with your head held high or throw in some 5p’s quickly they will never know

Please do this! This truly is disgusting behaviour! I can guarantee you there will be parents who can't afford the tickets and won't come for that reason, never mind the PTA chuggers!

Just checking though: this isn't an independent school, is it?

Wow
bully boy tactics and so very wrong

How utterly vile. Please take this further OP. I teach in a very deprived area and one common goal we have is to make sure no child ever misses out on anything because of money. You should not be bullied into explaining your finances in order to support the school and your children. Disgusting behaviour. I hope this changes for you and the other families that it’s no doubt affecting.

Yes absolutely make sure the school are told in writing or email about how the PTA are making you feel uncomfortable. Make it an formal complaint because then they have to respond. You and your children should not be made to feel unwelcome because you can't afford to pay over the odds for the activities. You probably aren't the only parent who feels the way you do. Unfortunately not everyone feels comfortable speaking out and would probably stop their children being involved instead.

Breeze past saying “Don’t have any cash on me”. I never carry coins/notes anymore. Dunno how the homeless people round my town are getting anything, this was a serious question me and my Dh were discussing the other day. Even the quid coin for trolleys has gone by the wayside since he printed some tokens. I’ve stopped asking him if he has his wallet when we leave the house, we use the phone for everything.

Even charity collectors on the street or in supermarket entrances are not allowed to approach you, speak to you or shake their bucket in your face.

I am appalled and outraged on your behalf.

OP who did you speak to at the school? Can you raise this directly with the head or the parent support officer directly? Not anyone else because they will give you the response you said without even mentioning it to anyone else to discuss.

The school needs to understand in COL crisis the asking of funds is OK but never ever forcefully and they should have things in place for those struggling without it being demeaning. Have you got the fight in you OP to see this one through, because I bet its not just you feeling this way at this school, loads of others are probably in the same boat feeling equally as rubbish and just need someone to raise it for them with the same force it's being pushed at you at.

Pta raising money at gates etc is a big part of how they raise money and rightfully so but never forcefully or going upto each parent. They should just be stood at entrance with a bucket for voluntary donations not making snide comments to those who can't. Some horrid people need telling though, so don't hold back next time someone says something, I'd wait until the crowd went then pull that person aside with whoever else they were collecting with and directly explain why that comment is not helpful and had they taken a second to think about what others were going through. You would save some other person facing that same situation again and made THEM feel embarrassed not you.

Hold your ground don't be made to feel bad because some other person can't see beyond their own privledge.

Op I'd also email the governers about this. These memories should not be ruined by trying to get out at the end.

I told them I didn't have change the first few times then it got to the point they loudly pointed out I should be bringing change since I had been there so much one even said "I suppose you've forgotten your donation again". Its so embarrassing. We have to pay £2 for the damed nativity play as well so it's not free and I go x4 so almost a tenner already

I guarantee you’re not the only parent who is skint, and even if you were, I’m sure the wealthy ones are fed up with the PTA demanding money with menaces every time they have to go to the school. I think if you politely told them to piss right off, there’d be more than one parent who would be feeling empowered to do the same thing. Just breeze past with a big smile on your face and say ‘sorry, I’ve got four of them, I’d have to get a second job/remortgage my house/get an evening job/start taking in washing if I donated every time I walked past’. Don’t look at all apologetic. They’re banking on making people feel embarrassed because they haven’t donated. So brazen it out. Not being wealthy enough to give money away is not something you need to be ashamed about.

Eurgh. I agree with others, just say 'no thank you'. If you get any lip from them like 'suppose you forgot cash again' I think I would want to say 'seems you forgot your manners again too.' In practice I'd say not everyone has spare cash to donate, and walk on by.

I think this is gross. School should be free and all events. Yes, by all means subtly ask for donations but it’s really hard for some parents. We got an email this week about an author coming to visit the school and saying that if everyone didn’t donate £4 then the author would need to be cancelled.

£4 is nothing to me, but it is for some people and I think it’s horrible to put pressure on parents like this. Also if they hadn’t sent this message I probably would have donated more.

one even said "I suppose you've forgotten your donation again"

That’s bullying. What a cunt. I think you should report them to the school again for that alone. The school need to stop them talking to people like that.

Also on this, how rude on the passive aggressive post. I'd have been te pyed to reply - some people doing what's best for their children by going to work to put food on the table for them. Not all jobs are flexible.

Not gonna lie I'm getting quite anxious about PTA bitchiness with my child starting school soon. I am not good at avoiding conflict!

Ask around if anyone has a few odd foreign coins lurking in 'that' drawer and drop those in!

Saying out loud have you forgotten your donation again, would lead to me as a parent overhearing that to just think they are absolute dicks and would just think nothing but nice thoughts about you. I pray they are never in the situation to decide between food and heat. OP, I’ve been there trying to do the shop for under £30 and turning the heating off. You sound like a fantastic mum and I promise everyone overhearing the interaction will think they are the dicks and not you.