How do I deal with this at school now Halloween and Christmas is coming up?

[Howtodealwiththisatschool]

In short, my dd has become disabled, so I no longer work, she needs round the clock care.

I budget well so we have everything we need and a small amount for a few extras.

Last year we got some new PTA people, every Halloween and Christmas disco and event they stood directly outside of the door stopping each parent on the way in and asking for donations.

Now this time of year is already full of 'pay a pound and wear an Xmas jumper' or 'enter this colouring contest for 50p' or 'buy these decorations for £2' - I budget for all of these so my dc don't miss out, but I can't afford multiple (dc in different year groups so at least 2 of each event) donations and raffles and its bloody embarrassing to stand and explain I'm skint.

I did email the school and explained that them standing outside and directly asking for money from everyone puts parents in a hell of a position, and they just said the school needs funds but they can refer me to a charity for a Christmas present for my dc (which I don't need) and so the standing outside nativity plays, discos, parent days etc continued.

I'm a single parent so I go to everything, usually 2 of each nativity, there will be at least 4 discos, 2 more parent days, Christmas fayre, and a few other things, amd I don't want to have to explain to pushy strangers that I'm poor.

What can I do?

Tell them you only donate through gift aid so that you maximise your gift to the school.

That’s crazy! Maybe my kids school are missing a trick not charging to watch the nativity etc!

The PTA standing at the doors asking for donations sound like absolute jobsworths. I’d just go with “I’ve already made my donation” if you’ve had to pay for the event anyway.

I’ve refused to send my kids in with their £1’s for non uniform days when the school hasn’t specified what the donations are actually for!

Bloody Hell, OP, I’m angry on your behalf!!

Is the school happy with this bullying approach?
I mean, I know schools are really squeezed for money, but this is getting dangerously close to singling you out.😡

As a pp said, peri menopause seems to give you a voice and you suddenly really speak your mind… I would be asking the ringleader to step to one side in the morning and ask if she usually behaves in such a pushy manner, and that as a single parent to a disabled dc, you do not have endless spare cash, you have already donated (wether you have or not - not her sodding business) and would she please leave you alone in future … with a very sour face and fierce voice! If she dares answer you back, tell her to piss off or you will take it further. And take it further if it occurs again… I loathe this behaviour , it’s like a sly shaming into paying. Horrid people.

I had one like this when my DS was in infants, loud and very bossy, teachers were scared of her!
The class had been on a trip and were back really late, we had been stood outside waiting for ages in the cold and dark. Bossy boots was bellowing that we mustn’t get the children yet, they had to go in the hall, blah blah… I snapped and told her I’d waited long enough, I was taking him home, and would get it okayed by the teacher. She started to trap off at me - til I reminded her, DS was my child, and Mrs xxxx head teacher ran the bloody school - not her!

She never spoke to me again - yay! - but her son and mine were good friends for years after.

Dont be pushed around OP, these women are nothing to you. 💐

Haha! “Sticky fingers in the bucket”. 😆😆 love that comment!

Use this!

Just smile at them and keep walking.
never explain anything.

I do feel some of your pain though- I’m heartily sick of the nonsense of schools begging for money all. the. time.

Tonight my grandchildren are in a flap because a charity for older people has a campaign going on at their school right now about slippers- and they have to wear slippers to school tomorrow- and bring money, no doubt - except they don’t have any slippers, just crocs or slides for swimming- and they are worried they will be the odd kids.

And I’m enraged at the stereotype of old people shuffling around in slippers being promoted by a charity that’s meant to be a champion for us 😡

If it is cash can you put 20p or something in? If not I’d be brazen and say short of cash at the moment. I don’t think they should do it personally…

You are overthinking this, ignore and walk past or say you have already donated. I don’t have money issues but I have stopped donating to every nonsense the PTA does.
do you have to go to the Christmas Fayre?

Op walk through head held high

Honestly just say 'no thanks' and walk past. You won't be the only parent who is struggling and as your child is recently disabled I would hope other parents would have more compassion than to be judging your donations.

If they pester you for money just tell them to stop begging. It would drive me mad.

Just say ‘I’ve already given’

I told them I didn't have change the first few times then it got to the point they loudly pointed out I should be bringing change since I had been there so much one even said "I suppose you've forgotten your donation again". Its so embarrassing. We have to pay £2 for the damed nativity play as well so it's not free and I go x4 so almost a tenner already.

This is terrible. There really would be nothing wrong with a factual statement like "Actually I haven't forgotten and it's embarrassing/awkward/uncomfortable to be asked repeatedly so I hope you can accept that these additional donations on top of the entry fee are voluntary for good reason. I will donate when I am able to". You could leave out the "for good reason" part but you're not the one doing anything socially awkward here. I hate these things. A few pounds is nothing to some people and the cost of dinner to others.

“ I'm pretty good with a breezy smile and a glide right past; no explanations.”

THIS !
This is the way

I never carry cash, we don't even have a cash machine near us. Just say you don't use cash so never have change or say you've already donated. I would speak to the school again and explain.

How you managed not to respond with "well you clearly left your manners at home, didn't you" is beyond me and actually quite applaudable. Just walk straight past them.

I bet you not everyone gives. Just look at them vaguely and move on by.

I’d say very loudly ‘I was going to donate but not now because of your horrible, pushy attitudes’

Does the PTA have a dedicated email address? If so, send an email, copy the head, class teacher and the governors and state that bullying parents is not part of the PTA, funds are collected via the tickets and you will not pay unless you wish to. Otherwise the chair's contact details should be available somewhere.

Send it from a new email-address so your normal one is clear.

If you can afford and want, put some copper coins into the box.

We had one year the stupid Smartie challenge, the PTA expected the box to be returned filled with £1 coins only. DH went balistic and complained to the school. it wasn't about money, it was about the principle of handing over £15 per child for what: eating chocolate buttons.
1/2 day after DH sent the email the PTA immediately sent a clarification.

Yes, they do take an interest in what goes on (until recently I was a school governor and we were kept updated on what they were doing), and if it's outside the realms of politeness I'd expect someone to have a word with them.

However, I'd also be rebuffing their sarcastic remarks about "forgotten your change" with "no I didn't - I already said I can't donate to everything".

Your school's PTA is toxic. They are creating a culture of shame with their desperation. I can all but guarantee that you aren't the only person who feels that way and you will most definitely be one of many parents who don't have the luxury of disposable cash to donate so don't allow their passive aggresion to make you feel embarassed. You've already done the most selfless thing in giving up your job to care for your child and that speaks much more to your strength of character than sticking a few quid in a bucket. Don't hang your self worth on anyone else's nonsense!

No thank you should suffice.

Does the PTA have a liaison person on the staff who you could speak to? I used to have to deal with hospital leagues of friends and some of them were nightmarish in similar ways.

I'd say "I can't afford to donate. And I shouldn't have had to say that to you. You are very very rude" Say the last bit louder and walk off.

They are horrible - complain to the governers.

This makes me so angry OP at the PTA and at the school who should NOT be tolerating this behaviour. I don't know what you can do other than hold your head up high and know that you are not alone in this situation. Really fucking shitty behaviour all round

Actually, going to the governors would be worth a shot, given that you have already tried the school direct.

this is just not on I would be complaining to the head teacher it's very wrong of them to presume everyone is in a financial position to keep donating