How do I deal with this at school now Halloween and Christmas is coming up?

[Howtodealwiththisatschool]

In short, my dd has become disabled, so I no longer work, she needs round the clock care.

I budget well so we have everything we need and a small amount for a few extras.

Last year we got some new PTA people, every Halloween and Christmas disco and event they stood directly outside of the door stopping each parent on the way in and asking for donations.

Now this time of year is already full of 'pay a pound and wear an Xmas jumper' or 'enter this colouring contest for 50p' or 'buy these decorations for £2' - I budget for all of these so my dc don't miss out, but I can't afford multiple (dc in different year groups so at least 2 of each event) donations and raffles and its bloody embarrassing to stand and explain I'm skint.

I did email the school and explained that them standing outside and directly asking for money from everyone puts parents in a hell of a position, and they just said the school needs funds but they can refer me to a charity for a Christmas present for my dc (which I don't need) and so the standing outside nativity plays, discos, parent days etc continued.

I'm a single parent so I go to everything, usually 2 of each nativity, there will be at least 4 discos, 2 more parent days, Christmas fayre, and a few other things, amd I don't want to have to explain to pushy strangers that I'm poor.

What can I do?

I’d embarrass them right back and if they say have you forgotten your donation again just smile and say - no I put it towards the electric bill - keep smiling and walk off.
They won’t know if you’re joking or making a point but they should feel ashamed. If they don’t they have no self awareness and shouldn’t be anywhere near a PTA.
You could email the chair of the committee direct and say a few people have said ….. about aggressive donation shaming so having also experienced it, thought they should know that not everyone can donate and to do their collections in a less forceful manner.
Failing that invent a dentist appointment and if asked for proof just say you need to avoid the PTA donations and if school won’t do something about it, its making you ill so need not to be there in order to avoid them and be well enough to collect your DC, so you’ll be early!

Don’t be embarrassed op. State bluntly that you will not be putting into every tin that’s shaken under your nose.

My df in the 70’s when pta’s became a thing refused to engage.
He was strongly of the opinion that it would go from supplementing the school budget to the budget being reduced and essential maintenance coming out of the pta funds.
He was correct.

This is awful.

Do take it to the head/governors.

And don't be ashamed at all. You will not be the only parent in this position, fuck these pta pricks.

This
I would print out part 8.1.1 and highlight the relevant issues, then next time you are attending something they will be collecting at, hand them this as your ‘donation’.

That's really bad OP. I would be super annoyed too. Our PTA uses an app called Classlist for donations and tickets, which works really well - any any time there's a fundraising day, no one knows who has paid or not because it's anonymous payments on the app. Probably less than half the school do, but all the kids go in their own clothes etc. also, for disco tickets and the like, there's always a 'pay it forward' option for some parents to pay extra so others don't have to. Any parent can speak to the office to get this, and all kids in receipt of free school meals get free tickets anyway. Perhaps suggest this to the PTA/governors?

I'm disgusted at the schools response when you contacted them. Definitely escalate this to the governors.

I just don't tolerate it tbh. I have 3 kids and if I put money in the buckets at all of these events I'd have to be a millionaire.
I pay for the entry tickets and if my kids want to buy a cake or whatever. I'm not giving any more money
They can come at me with buckets all they want and they do. But I have no shame I just stare them down.
They can get to fuck. They know I've got 3 kids and I work part time for minimum wage.
It's ridiculous this time of year. School discos, school photos, Christmas card project, harvest festival, craft evening.. and soon the school play that you have to buy bloody tickets to that now days cost as much as actual theatre tickets. Not to mention the constant costumes and bring a pound in for this and for that day.

It is awful that they do this , they have no idea of people’s circumstances and shouldn’t be putting people in this situation. You can always just say ‘oh sorry I’ve no cash on me’ , I’m sure you wouldn’t be the only one.

You’re not the only one in this position. Many people will be. I get so fucking sick of the grabby hand out attitude the pta have - not asking “if you can could you please” just demanding give up a pound, put it in their bag, give it to the teacher. Like no fuck off. It’s got to the point now I’m literally like yeah we’re broke. It was embarrassing at first but now it’s actually empowering. So many other people have come out and said me too me three.

if you can’t do that I’d just say yep forgot my coins again and ignore the fuckers. Or do as someone else said and get coppers and put them in - just kinda hold it so other people cant see it’s not a pound 🤣

really really fuck them. They’re the ones who should be embarrassed not you. More than 1 in 5 people live in poverty - the other 4 aren’t all rolling in it either so pta losers can piss off frankly.

One of the PTA at school doesn't pay for any of the voluntary enrichment activities or trips. I couldn't believe it when I found out. There are people scraping together enough and she sends hers anyway and will not contribute. I didn't know whether to be impressed or outraged.

I think you should go back to the school and directly quote what has been said by the pta people.. Make sure you use the word inclusive. If they brush you off again then I'd go to governors too. It's so so wrong.

Ahhh that's rubbish our school historically have always been really discrete - the point is to raise money and bring the community together/ remove barriers to participation. Pupil premium kids get free tickets / and some for discretionary free or discounted release and yes buckets are waved but it's non of deal if you don't . IME the people who tend to get really into the pta tend to have a decent disposable income and often don't realise that isn't universally true.

Just don't feel bad. Try and walk passed with your head held high or make further complaints via the head and governers.

I would be tempted to call them out on it - a donation is just that, not an obligation I had a similar situation when my DD was in reception, the "class mum" decided to tell everyone that the donation of 50 quid per family was an obligatory payment towards the teacher's Christmas gift. I spoke to her one on one and said that "obligatory" wasn't a word she should be using for a donation request and that each family had different finances. She was actually hugely apologetic. She had just got wrapped up in an enthusiastic effort and couldn't see past it, until it was pointed out.

Say

I already donated

With a sweet smile

It comes and goes lovely.
Today I did £30 in food donations because that's what my dds school asked for for a mufti day opposed to £1 for no uniform day of old. But just 3 years ago I walked almsot 10 miles to cash £18 of change to feed dd and her sister. Take it in your stride and walk past them knowing in your heart you've got them covered and not what they think.

They sound absolutely horrible. I can't believe the school is ok with this. Does needing finds justify bullying and extortion?

Speak to the headmaster and the chair of governors.

A letter via email is sent to parents reminding them of those things at my school. You can put the money in an envelope and send it to school with your child. If a child doesn’t bring one no one tells anything.
Something anonymous should be put in place rather than putting parents in the spot.

PTA numpty here. We would never ever shame someone. Absolutely unacceptable.

I told them I didn't have change the first few times then it got to the point they loudly pointed out I should be bringing change since I had been there so much one even said "I suppose you've forgotten your donation again". Its so embarrassing.

You report this directly to the school and you don't explain yourself to ANYONE when they ask for a donation. You don't say you've forgotten, you don't say you've already paid, you say no thank you and smile and keep walking. Stop explaining your financial situation to strangers. Donations are voluntary.

But please do report bullying tactics directly to the school and governors.

Our school charges for the discos, it's tickets in advance. But parents are also given the opportunity to gift a ticket for someone else. Lots of parents do this, you email or let the office know you need a free ticket and they sort it and put your name on the list. Only 2 people ever know yours was a gifted ticket.

Our school works hard to make everything accessible, we're doing a Xmas jumper rail before Xmas jumper day so people can donate their outgrown ones and others can pick up a 'new' one for a donation (but they're just outside so no fixed amount).

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so exclusionary.

Charging for school navities is the lowest of the low.

That's pretty terrible, at our school everything like that costs "a silver coin" but with no comment if that's 5p or 50p. In your instant I'd put a note in an envelope saying something like "thank you for everything you do for the children, unfortunately I'm not in q position to financely contribute at this time", then hand that over.

If you have children in different years can you say that you have already donated at X child's event? I'd just say "oh I donated at Tom's disco, I can't donate again" and then walk off. If not then I would just say that I have already paid for my ticket and again walk past, they are disgraceful putting people on the spot like that.

Someone also said about writing to the governors and including the PTA comments which I would definitely do, I get the PTA are there to raise money but they don't have to be so aggressive and rude.

Actually I’d be tempted to tell them the truth and make them as uncomfortable as possible about them bullying you into giving when you can’t.
You won’t be the only one on that position!

I have stood there with a bucket and we really didn't care if anyone put money in or not, there was absolutely no judgement.
It Is a good way of raising money though so I can see why school don't want to stop, especially if yours has been the only complaint