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Original poster

Do you judge a parent when a child has a meltdown in public?

107 replies

theotherfossilsister · 20/10/2024 08:42

My two year old has horrible meltdowns quite suddenly. I let him have freedom where appropriate and explain things but there are non negotiables (having a coat on when it’s cold, puddle suit when raining, going in buggy by big roads because he has previously broken free and run away.) These all cause massive meltdowns where he’s throwing himself everywhere

The other week he slammed his head into the floor in a cafe while I was trying to get his coat back on. It was horrible, he was upset, I was upset, and beginning to think I was an idiot for taking the bloody coat off even though really warm in cafe and really cold outside (Scotland.)

A woman at the next table with kids herself came over and started talking to him and told him gently he needed his coat on and mummy looked very stressed. He cooperated with her and I was ridiculously grateful. I just wonder if people judge?

The other day it was the library and a puddiesuit because raining and he completely lost it and was writhing, running away etc, bright pink, screaming. People were looking at us, and I was speaking to him gently but it kept going until I got the damn coat on him when it stopped and he just accepted it.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 20/10/2024 08:45

Usually I just feel really sorry for them. I've been there too.

Occasionally I will judge, based on what the tantrum is about and how they are (not) dealing with it.

Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 20/10/2024 08:48

Thank you @DilemmaDelilah

I don’t know if I deal with it appropriately. I try to comfort him when he’s desperately upset but then fight to get the coat on as fast as possible . With him resisting this can take a few minutes. I explain why needs the coat on and why it’s important.

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 20/10/2024 08:49

I try not to judge, as who knows if there are other reasons not apparent for the behaviour. I do sometimes think that the parents should cease with the long winded explanations as to why xyz needs to be done. Either way, what I think is fleeting.

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DrivingThePlot · 20/10/2024 08:50

Absolutely no judging here. Both my DC are autistic, and had many meltdowns in public. I learned to give a hard stare back at anyone who appeared to be judging.

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 20/10/2024 08:50

Nope been there done that.

Skunkaniseed · 20/10/2024 08:50

No judgment just empathy

FrostFlowers2025 · 20/10/2024 08:51

No, I pity them. I can walk away from the meltdown and usually do, because I doubt my presence is in anyway helpful, but a parent is stuck having to deal with it.

I do, however, judge parents who let their kids run wild doing damage or putting themselves or others in danger, while they are not paying attention and won't intervene.

OMGitsnotgood · 20/10/2024 08:51

No I never judge a parent whose child is having a meltdown, having been there myself.

I learnt to choose my battles. Yes, ideally they would have a coat on going out into the cold and generally I would insist on that. But in the situation you were in, knowing a tantrum was coming, I'd have let him feel the cold to help him understand why a coat was needed.

A technique that sometimes works but doesn't always..... give them a choice, so they feel they are in control but you get the result you want eg 'are you going to put your coat on yourself or should I do it' or 'do you want to climb into the bath or should I lift you in'

The hardest thing is staying calm in these situations and speaking softly. Almost impossible most of the time - which the lady who helped out was clearly well aware or from her own experience. So much easier when it's not your child!

dothehokeycokey · 20/10/2024 08:52

@theotherfossilsister

I never judge parents with tantruming toddlers why would
You?,life is difficult enough with toddlers without judgement from others.

I've often stopped to chat to the child or parent in such situations as I find that often diffuses the tantrum and I remember it well when mine were that age.

Gelasring · 20/10/2024 08:52

God no. Mine are teens now but I well remember what it was like dealing with tantrums in public. I just feel sympathy

lmhj · 20/10/2024 08:52

Absolutely not. One of my best friends and I met in a kids shoe shop In similar circumstances. She was distraught. I helped, the rest is history and now we laugh about it.

Wishboneswishes · 20/10/2024 08:54

Yep same just empathy ❤️ Although it does depend on how the adult behaves, if they’re shouting, smacking and swearing at them then I can get pretty judgy! You sound like a great Mum OP just keep going, it can be hard! If anyone does judge your situation then it says more about them than you anyway. I think most people feel empathy.

Rosybud88 · 20/10/2024 08:54

I just sympathise. There isn’t a rhyme or reason with kids at times, it isn’t anyone’s fault.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/10/2024 09:00

Would never judge as its difficult enough. But would think don't bother with the long explanation as he is paying no attention. With the coat l would probably have taken him outside or put a thermal vest on so it's not the end of the world if he hasn't a coat. But l don't live in Scotland!

roseymoira · 20/10/2024 09:02

A meltdown or a tantrum?

Chillisintheair · 20/10/2024 09:06

OMGitsnotgood · 20/10/2024 08:51

No I never judge a parent whose child is having a meltdown, having been there myself.

I learnt to choose my battles. Yes, ideally they would have a coat on going out into the cold and generally I would insist on that. But in the situation you were in, knowing a tantrum was coming, I'd have let him feel the cold to help him understand why a coat was needed.

A technique that sometimes works but doesn't always..... give them a choice, so they feel they are in control but you get the result you want eg 'are you going to put your coat on yourself or should I do it' or 'do you want to climb into the bath or should I lift you in'

The hardest thing is staying calm in these situations and speaking softly. Almost impossible most of the time - which the lady who helped out was clearly well aware or from her own experience. So much easier when it's not your child!

I’m the same. He would have got hypothermia being cold for 10 minutes and he probably didn’t want to put a coat on because he was already hot and uncomfortable.

I don’t judge the child but some times I inwardly judge the parents reaction. I would never show this and would give a sympathetic smile if necessary and offer to help with bags or whatever.

whatsappdoc · 20/10/2024 09:06

I never judge but my face might look odd as I'm trying to weigh up whether to say something friendly or leave you alone. I wouldn't intervene. I have hugged a mother before though, luckily it was what she needed! I haven't done it since as some of the responses on MN make me feel it wouldn't be welcome.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 20/10/2024 09:06

Yes, I'm afraid I do judge those trying to rationalise with a tantrum-throwing toddler. When they are in a high emotional state, or indeed when adults are, you cannot reason effectively, so don't bother.
So, either ignore the tantrum or remove them from the situation.

purplebeansprouts · 20/10/2024 09:07

I judge the parents who yell at their child I'm afraid. Anyone else, nah mate it's tough so tough

GretchenWienersHair · 20/10/2024 09:08

No. I try to smile understandingly if they catch my eye

PurBal · 20/10/2024 09:08

No. We've all been there.

LimeLime · 20/10/2024 09:08

I stood with a mum whose kid was having a meltdown on a busy pavement to shield the kid from getting stepped on we didn't exchange a word, I just stood there in solidarity, she look relieved so I stayed until he calmed down and them melted off into the crowd. I hope I made her day just a bit easier.

MoveToParis · 20/10/2024 09:09

I don’t judge, but I didn’t insist on putting the coat on inside.
You:Do you want to put your coat on now?
DS: No
You: OK, hold on to it and we’ll put it on if you feel cold, I am going to put mine on now though.

You: Oh look, can you see it’s raining
DS: Yes
You: what do we wear outside when it’s raining?
DS: Puddle suit
You: Shall I help you put it on, or do you want to have a go yourself?

We only had one massive meltdown I remember- about having to put the kid sized shopping trolley in a different area to the full sized ones. I was 8 months pregnant so not in a position to do anything except style it out!

Dreamerinme · 20/10/2024 09:10

Nope, most toddlers will go through a tantrum phase. Don’t push the coat on him if you see a tantrum coming - it won’t kill him to feel the cold/rain for a bit.

He was calm for the woman in the cafe because she is not his parent - they usually behave worst for those they love the most (as the saying goes).

If a parent is shouting nastily or roughly manhandling a child then that is worthy of being judged - aside from being awful behaviour, all it does is throw petrol on the fire of an already emotionally out of control toddler.