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Original poster

Do you judge a parent when a child has a meltdown in public?

107 replies

theotherfossilsister · 20/10/2024 08:42

My two year old has horrible meltdowns quite suddenly. I let him have freedom where appropriate and explain things but there are non negotiables (having a coat on when it’s cold, puddle suit when raining, going in buggy by big roads because he has previously broken free and run away.) These all cause massive meltdowns where he’s throwing himself everywhere

The other week he slammed his head into the floor in a cafe while I was trying to get his coat back on. It was horrible, he was upset, I was upset, and beginning to think I was an idiot for taking the bloody coat off even though really warm in cafe and really cold outside (Scotland.)

A woman at the next table with kids herself came over and started talking to him and told him gently he needed his coat on and mummy looked very stressed. He cooperated with her and I was ridiculously grateful. I just wonder if people judge?

The other day it was the library and a puddiesuit because raining and he completely lost it and was writhing, running away etc, bright pink, screaming. People were looking at us, and I was speaking to him gently but it kept going until I got the damn coat on him when it stopped and he just accepted it.

OP posts:
MoneyAndPercentages · 20/10/2024 15:51

I don't judge at all, and feel loads of sympathy!

DS has never been a tantruming/screaming type, and is obsessively well behaved (this is 100% a fluke, not perfect parenting 😂) ~ but this just makes me feel worse for parents who do have to deal with it. I dread to think the how I'd be pulling my hair out if that were my child!

sprigatito · 20/10/2024 15:53

I only judge parents when they are doing something I find appalling. This includes things like being verbally or physically abusive, but also things like failing to rein in a child who is deliberately annoying others, damaging property, kicking pigeons etc. A parent whose child is having a tantrum or a meltdown gets nothing but sympathy from me.

MightyGoldBear · 20/10/2024 16:16

No judgement here Just pleased its not me if I'm really honest. I've a two year old who has epic meltdowns and a 7 year old with additional needs who can get violent. So I completely get it. I would just be feeling for that poor parent.

Obviously if they are swearing or threatening abuse then I just feel sorry for the poor children. Its a very difficult situation to know how to help in either way. I understand that sense of feeling like you're a rubbish parent.

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lljkk · 20/10/2024 16:28

I agree with PP who said just let him go without coat for a few minutes until he knows he's cold, then he will probably cooperate fine. You can point out to him that he would have avoided getting cold if he just listened to you in first place.

My 2 basic responses, whether it's a toddler or a teenager kicking off :

  1. Thank goodness it's not my kid or my problem
  2. Thank goodness my kid didn't cause that other kid to cry like that.

I may get upset listening to little babies cry. That's about me not the parents of the little one usually.

kitsuneghost · 20/10/2024 16:44

Yes

daffodilandtulip · 20/10/2024 16:49

Kids have tantrums, I don't judge that. It's largely out of your control. I do judge how parents then behave. That is in their control.

Shouting and swearing, long winded explanations and performance parenting definitely get the judge. A mum trying their best and probably wanting to crawl up their own arse, I don't judge.

Although I wouldn't see wearing a coat as a non negotiable. That's something they would soon learn the consequences from. (Stil wouldn't judge that as it's your choice!)

menopausalmare · 20/10/2024 16:54

Depends. We've all been there but if you expect a small child to sit quietly in a buggy for a long time whilst you shop, walk around tesco late at night, sit in a pub or restaurant for ages then you get what you deserve!

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/10/2024 16:54

I have navigated many a public meltdown with my autistic son so if I see it happening to somebody else, I always ask them if they're ok. Because usually they're not. I had this recently with a woman in Aldi who just stood there in tears. I stood with her with my hand on her arm while her child calmed herself down. I'd never judge anybody. I have felt judged though!

Klippityklopp · 20/10/2024 19:43

Before having DC's of my own probably, afterwards absolutely not

Saschka · 20/10/2024 19:47

I might judge the parent’s reaction - if the parent is shouting and swearing, or hitting them. But just dealing with it, nope I don’t judge at all. Especially if it’s a toddler, everyone knows they have tantrums, it’s not really avoidable.

I agree though, pick your battles with coats. If they don’t want to wear one, carry it until they realise they are getting cold/wet. Usually about two steps out of the house. Sometimes that leads to another shitfit (“I’m tooo coooold!!”) but not much you can do about that.

Carnationstreet7 · 20/10/2024 19:50

I couldn't get that excited about a coat tbh, if they're really cold they can put it on later.

midtownmum · 20/10/2024 19:56

I started typing that I wouldn't judge but tbh I do judge people who are trying to force their kid into a coat in a hot cafe. We don't live in a climate where the kid will get instant frostbite by going outside before getting their coat on, so why pick that fight? But I wouldn't think they're a bad parent I'd just think they were making their own life unnecessarily hard. Other than that kind of thing, I feel only sympathy (and even in that case, I feel mainly sympathy!)

User37482 · 20/10/2024 19:59

Also people look because small kids make an utter racket and most will be thinking “oh god is something bad happening”. Anyone with a kid has been there and are probably thinking “that was me yesterday” or “thank fuck mine are 25yrs+ now, those were hard days”.

anywherehollie · 20/10/2024 20:01

Noooooo of course not. They all tantrum at that age I swear!

EveryDayisFriday · 20/10/2024 20:05

I judge poor parenting. Not kids being difficult as every kid is at one time or another.

user1494050295 · 20/10/2024 20:07

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

This

saraclara · 20/10/2024 20:07

I don't judge meltdowns, as I taught autistic children for many years, so experienced any number of them.

But I'm with others on the coat thing. I had a non verbal and very anxious pupil who absolutely hated wearing a coat. So I didn't make him (his mum was aware). The coat came outside at playtime so it was available to him if he got really cold.

I knew one of my TAs didn't approve, but she wasn't in a position to defy me. But one day I was out of the classroom, for the afternoon, and someone passing by told me that this child was having a 15 minute meltdown. I went to see what was going on, and yes, that TA was forcing him to put it on. I was livid. He wasn't having a tantrum, he was massively distressed. Even a child with that level of autism knows if the discomfort of cold is worse than the discomfort of wearing a coat. His mum and I trusted his judgment.

I don't know why people are so obsessed with children wearing outer clothing, when they know how hot or cold they feel. Have the coat available, but don't force the issue. It just isn't a hill to die on with a child who's easily diaregulated.

HowFarToBanburyCross · 20/10/2024 20:11

No judgment here! DS age 5 has never thrown a tantrum in public - that's his temperament, not my parenting. DD aged 2 has thrown several. When she's losing it, I try to remember a quote from (IIRC) Alfie Kohn that I find helpful: "it's not my child's job to make me look like a good parent".

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/10/2024 20:13

I don't judge any apparent 'tantrum', precisely because it might be an autistic meltdown.

I don't like the word meltdown being used as often as it is for NT children though.

Candaceowens · 20/10/2024 20:20

I disagree with all the people who say stop forcing the coat etc. That doesn't teach the child anything. OP is doing the right thing by persevering and will come out of it better off.

jefl011 · 20/10/2024 20:21

I never judge the parent who is doing the right thing by their child and laying down boundaries. The parents I judge are the ones who allow their children to run wild around shops, cafes etc and don't stop them because they are afraid of the tantrum.

Keep your head up, you (and everyone with any sense) know you're doing the right thing for your child in the long run

Tittat50 · 20/10/2024 20:23

I feel nothing but empathy. Because I have been there. I had to ask a shopkeeper to help me get my child into a buggy during the toddler years. I was absolutely broken because the meltdowns were so severe. I was also very very unwell and a single parent. Child later diagnosed ND which can make this much harder.

The judgement is really stressful and like a kick in the face. People will always do it though. It takes alot to just be with it and not let it affect you.

saraclara · 20/10/2024 20:33

Candaceowens · 20/10/2024 20:20

I disagree with all the people who say stop forcing the coat etc. That doesn't teach the child anything. OP is doing the right thing by persevering and will come out of it better off.

Not necessarily. The boundaries that are important, are the ones that affect others. The result of not putting a coat on only affects the coatless person. If they're NT, they'll soon learn that getting cold isn't worth the fuss. If they're ND, then it's the least of your troubles.

mollyfolk · 20/10/2024 20:34

No. I try to give a supportive smile, I probably look like a weirdo. Sometimes I have asked people if they need a hand if they are struggling with trollies/bags and small kids and one is screaming.

When my kids were small I used to keep a stash of emergency lollies for our commute on public transport to childcare so I have often discreetly offered them to parents whose kids are losing the plot on the bus.

My middle child was the most tantrumy toddler, truly awful so I have oodles of sympathy, I only judge when I see a small kid being spoken to very harshly or being roughly treated for crying.

SunQueen24 · 20/10/2024 20:34

No. We’ve all been there. I do judge if they’re treating their child harshly,