Do you judge a parent when a child has a meltdown in public?

[theotherfossilsister]

My two year old has horrible meltdowns quite suddenly. I let him have freedom where appropriate and explain things but there are non negotiables (having a coat on when it’s cold, puddle suit when raining, going in buggy by big roads because he has previously broken free and run away.) These all cause massive meltdowns where he’s throwing himself everywhere

The other week he slammed his head into the floor in a cafe while I was trying to get his coat back on. It was horrible, he was upset, I was upset, and beginning to think I was an idiot for taking the bloody coat off even though really warm in cafe and really cold outside (Scotland.)

A woman at the next table with kids herself came over and started talking to him and told him gently he needed his coat on and mummy looked very stressed. He cooperated with her and I was ridiculously grateful. I just wonder if people judge?

The other day it was the library and a puddiesuit because raining and he completely lost it and was writhing, running away etc, bright pink, screaming. People were looking at us, and I was speaking to him gently but it kept going until I got the damn coat on him when it stopped and he just accepted it.

Nope no judgement from me. I remember being at toddler groups and seeing other children being a bit boisterous and not cooperating. Feeling a bit smug that mine was behaving nicely. Then the following week it was her kicking off and I came down to earth with a bump.

Never judge, just empathise. We're all in the same or similar boat.

No I don’t judge in the circumstances you describe.
i do judge when I see an overweight young child though, that to me is a sign of lazy parenting.

OP, I’m in the thick of it too with toddler throwing tantrums too. I would never judge on this.

I find that the stares from passerbys cause me stress. I maintain a calm and steady voice when dealing with my toddler and at the earliest opportunity, I take my toddler away from the public space. I reassure myself it won’t last forever and the older kids I see walking with parents will be DD one day, and these tantrums will be a distant memory.

well, it is hard to say because we are all judgemental and female friendships thrive on gossip ( neither do gossip nor have female friends my age or life station in the UK ) but seeing the facts....

also when the tantrum can be out of sensory overload , noone can do much about it.......until they come back to their normal self

I think you’re doing things exactly right, try not to worry about what other people think.
I don’t judge parents with kids who have meltdowns, could just be a typical 2 year old or an older one on the spectrum.

No judgement. I might if they have gotten into a screaming match with the kid, or something like that but most people are trying their best and we all know that sometimes, however hard you try, it just doesn’t work.

No judgement from me. I remember Dd having a mega tantrum in M&S and going 'boneless' when I tried to pick her up. A middle aged man strode past and called out in a sing song voice "Been there done that!!" Made me appreciate that every parent goes through this!

No, I just feel sorry for them.

I judge the judgers though!

No. Definitely not. It's happened to us all. I'd be more likely to try & help if I can.

Unless, like a recent experience, the parents do nothing. That time I eventually said something about put your phone down & parent.... Or call their DC horrible names, hit them, drag them etc.

The only time I do judge is when parents immediately fold because the child looks like they are going to have a meltdown or “we need to put your coat on” child starts protesting and the parent immediately says “ok fine” It is just reinforcing having a tantrum will get you what you want or when the child is having a meltdown and the parents ignores them.

all children have meltdowns in public they need to be helped not ignored.

I don't judge, I just feel glad that I don't have children myself to cope with, as I'd have no idea how to deal with meltdowns.

Agree completely. Someone completely oblivious who is enjoying her coffee and ignoring it, ruining the space for everyone. Yes, I’d judge. Someone clearly trying her best to deal with a hideous situation. Not at all.

My friend’s son was out of this mould. She always very gratefully remembers an elderly man coming to her assistance on the M5 services when her son was loudly refusing to go in his car seat. “Right love”, he said to her. “Can I help? You hold the little whatsit down and I’ll strap him in for you”. He’d been there himself many times before!

No not at all I'm just glad it's not my child. If mum looks like she needs it I'll always tell her she's doing a good job. Being a mum is ridiculously hard work sometimes.

I'll never forget id been up the council offices all day with my then 7 month old who had non stop screamed. Driving home she wouldn't stop screaming so bad I pulled over to burst into tears. An older man came out and offered me a cuppa and asked if he could sit with me. He calmed me down and told me I was doing a good job I was so grateful I cried. Baby fell asleep and we continued the drive with our keys to our temporary accommodation. That was 7 years ago I'll never ever forget his kindness

Only if a parent isn't parenting and is ignoring the child. Toddlers are toddlers.

I used to be the mam whose son would smack his head on the table when out from around the ages of 2 to about 6, sometimes when overstimulated he'll make like a hooting whooping noise thats loud but he's much better at handling himself now and an ehcp at school and various therapies have helped massively. There's no way I'd judge someone else for it as it absolutely sucked having everyone glaring at me or tutting.

I personally would view them like this.

A tantrum is when they know what they are doing and are doing it on purpose in order to get what they want - eg a NT child kicking off because you won't buy them some sweets.

A meltdown is where they are completely overwhelmed by the situation, have an inability to control themselves or their feelings and can't stop - eg a child with autism or a small toddler.

I only judge if the parent is making no effort to stop or reduce it. Same with tantrums, and any other kind of misbehaviour.

I wouldn't judge you or a child that young- or a child that isn't understanding fully and likely has SEND.

I DO judge the spoilt kids though!!

Everyone judges at times and you need to be made of granite to not let that affect you. Worse there are plenty who would offer to help but fear of interfering stops them.

The Scottish baby box really should come with a deck of cards that we can use to ask for help, from anyone, at anytime, without question. Other mum in cafe, got one of yours.

With regard to the coat tantrums, will he wear a cape? Hood of coat and top popper to keep it on (you may also have to wear a cape!) Coat can be put on properly if he gets cold but it gives a transition step if that's part of why he's struggling.

yes if the child is having a tantrum and parent ignores it yes i judge that especially in an enclosed space like the woman ignoring her screaming toddler on a bus the other day and playing on her phone.

No I never judge when it's a baby/toddler, we've all been there!

No judgement and if possible will always smile and say ah this was me yesterday ❤️

I have had people intervene when I was telling off my kid and that annoyed me - not least because they didn't actually see what I'm telling them off for.

Some one once picked my friend's kid up off the floor too! They were like excuse me I know what I'm doing. Kid was having a meltdown screaming on the floor. They were waiting for them to stop as they weren't given in. Boundaries had been set. Honestly some people will judge but I judge those people much more harshly than parents whose kids are kicking off. We've all been there.

I feel sympathy towards the parent because I've been there, unless the parent isn't dealing with the situation appropriately.

I learnt to spot when DD was triggered and tried to distract her. Didn't always work but still!

Absolutely not.

I feel nothing but sympathy.

No judging from me. It happens!