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Original poster

Do you judge a parent when a child has a meltdown in public?

107 replies

theotherfossilsister · 20/10/2024 08:42

My two year old has horrible meltdowns quite suddenly. I let him have freedom where appropriate and explain things but there are non negotiables (having a coat on when it’s cold, puddle suit when raining, going in buggy by big roads because he has previously broken free and run away.) These all cause massive meltdowns where he’s throwing himself everywhere

The other week he slammed his head into the floor in a cafe while I was trying to get his coat back on. It was horrible, he was upset, I was upset, and beginning to think I was an idiot for taking the bloody coat off even though really warm in cafe and really cold outside (Scotland.)

A woman at the next table with kids herself came over and started talking to him and told him gently he needed his coat on and mummy looked very stressed. He cooperated with her and I was ridiculously grateful. I just wonder if people judge?

The other day it was the library and a puddiesuit because raining and he completely lost it and was writhing, running away etc, bright pink, screaming. People were looking at us, and I was speaking to him gently but it kept going until I got the damn coat on him when it stopped and he just accepted it.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 20/10/2024 09:10

I don't judge. Every 2 year old and older I knew had meltdowns. They are trying to have some agency and autonomy and as they can't they start.

Sometimes a stranger or another adult has the magic to make them listen but it's only because they are not as familiar to them. You are not doing anything wrong.

There's a brilliant old thread on here with cutted up pear that will make you feel better.

You are doing brilliantly!

Hedonism · 20/10/2024 09:12

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

100% this.

Lovelyview · 20/10/2024 09:12

The only time I judge is if the parent is shouting at the child. Otherwise I feel sorry they're going through that and I'm grateful it's not my problem.

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RabbitsRock · 20/10/2024 09:12

No judgement but as a pp said, sometimes I wonder whether to step in or not. Definitely been there, bought the t shirt!

Hreenpro · 20/10/2024 09:14

Absolutely do not judge, very normal at the age (I also have a 2 year old).
I also have a 7 year old that still has tantrums (ND)… that can be hard as I think people do judge, but I try not to let it get to me.

Justnippinginthegaragelove · 20/10/2024 09:15

I only judge if the parent is screaming or swearing at the child. Had an awful encounter a few weeks back where a little boy was having a meltdown outside a farm cafe and the dad was screaming and spitting in his face because he didn't eat his peas 😥
Otherwise no, I never judge

yarnbarn · 20/10/2024 09:15

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

This all day long. Some people are utter twats to their children and have zero understanding of their needs. Aggressive parenting will absolutely get judged by me. Just be nice to your kid. There is a woman who I used to see locally and all she ever did was shout orders at her kids. Don't think she ever had a conversation with them.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 20/10/2024 09:16

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

This.

InTheRainOnATrain · 20/10/2024 09:16

Nah I’d never judge, we’ve all been there but I would wonder why you were making life hard for yourself re the coat example. He’s 2, he doesn’t understand the concept of it being cold later, he only knows that he’s hot now. He won’t get frostbite outside without it for a few minutes, then he’ll realise it’s cold and hopefully put it on willingly, and even if there is still a battle at least it’s outside and not disturbing people’s coffee.

BananaPalm · 20/10/2024 09:17

Mine is almost 3 so we get that too. I just feel really sorry for the mum... unless she's screaming/swearing/pushing the kid. But I saw the latter maybe twice so I default to feeling sorry for her...

mynameiscalypso · 20/10/2024 09:17

No judgement. If anything, I just feel very glad that my DS is past that stage now.

glittereyelash · 20/10/2024 09:20

Honestly don't worry about what people think just do the best you can in the situation. My son has autism and used to have the most horrendous meltdowns. I've experienced people being very kind and supportive and people who responded with judgement and passive aggressive comments. Your child is still very young and doesn't have impulse control yet so tantrums are going to happen. Hugs I know how stressful it is!

Motherofdragons20 · 20/10/2024 09:26

If the parent is shouting and acting aggressive to the child I might judge but even then you can usually tell the parent is just at the end of their rope and I would just sympathise. Generally I just feel for them. I either completely ignore what’s going on because let’s face it there is nothing worse than your kid playing up in public or if I catch their eye I will give them “the look” your know the one, your doing great we’ve all been there look.

mine are almost 4 and 1.5 yo so currently not many tantrums but Im acutely aware my time is coming again! And 1.5yo is definitely more spirited than the 4yo!

Marblesbackagain · 20/10/2024 09:29

Empathy and honesty it's never the child but how the parents react.

If I thought it would help I would offer a distraction or a bit of support. Sometimes another voice, a daft question can break their thoughts and allow them to reset.

I always gave choices were possible, and tended to not be pushed if they didn't want to wear coats etc. It won't harm them. They both wear shorts all year round including snow, they just run hot.

CarlaBird · 20/10/2024 09:32

I can't say I've ever witnessed or noticed a full on meltdown, do either it's rare or I'm extremely non judgmental lol.
So no, I wouldn't judge. I'd definitely feel for you though, must be tough.
I do notice piercing screams from the kids that scream a lot, it gives me a pain in my eyes, so my face may react to that but still not coming from a place of judgement.
My kids are adults and I think we should all avoid tutting at anyone, believe me none of us know what we have to face with our kids.
Don't worry about it OP.

cocobeaner · 20/10/2024 09:33

They only things I tend to eyeroll about are when parents engage in a big thing with their small children about stuff like them wearing a coat or whatever. My SIL does this and her daughter ends up having these massive tantrums over it in the end. I also have a coat refuser so I get it, but I just take the coat and if she's cold and won't put it on then that's her own fault.

So I suppose I do judge things where I think a parent could pick their battles, but I don't ever judge a child - all behaviour is communication and the child is just communicating in the only way they can at the time. I've been there with my eldest so sympathise with any parent in that moment.

cocobeaner · 20/10/2024 09:35

I also live in Scotland btw so I know it can be cold, but they are not actually going to freeze to death by not wearing a coat.

MsNeis · 20/10/2024 09:35

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

I agree with this.
I have young ones myself, so I have huge simpathy in this situations. I make a point of smiling to the parent to show solidarity and because I find that when I'm in the same situation and someone shows understanding, I relax more and deal with the situation better.
The parents who don't deal with it (e.g. ignoring, imo cruelly, the child) or the agressive ones (the abusive ones who like to humiliate the child), oh I DO judge... And I make the point, if I can, to show empathy to the child (smiling, kind words...).
I think that woman who helped you was very kind and supportive 😊👍

SevernWonders · 20/10/2024 09:35

I've only ever judged p parents who scream / swear / make horrible threats "get your fucking coat on you little shit" and "put that back or you'll get a smack" and other awful things I've heard make me judge.

User37482 · 20/10/2024 09:36

When mine was two I had to carry her out of several places while she kicked and screamed. So no I don’t judge. Yes we did try gentle parenting, unfortunately she hadn’t read the books so wasn’t interested. If I do look over at another kid kicking off it’s with solidarity with their parents not judgement.

Some kids are also just more emotional than others or more stubborn or willfull. They have their own personalities. I know that now after having one.

petathedragon · 20/10/2024 09:38

I don't because it's happened to me

They're all the same. Dont be so hard on yourself

tuberole · 20/10/2024 09:38

I'm a pretty judgemental person being brutally honest but no actually I tend to feel sympathy for parents in this situation, I assume something more could be going on. If it's a child in the family whereby I know their background and think it's the way the parent is handling it however...I do internally judge, emphasis on internally!!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/10/2024 09:40

No, I think "thank god it's not mine kicking off" and feel sorry for the parent.

Mine started kicking off a softplay yesterday and I was definitely being judged and made me feel shit.

loulouljh · 20/10/2024 09:42

No. I just remember the days it was my kids doing the same! I would smile in a hopefully sympathetic way...

rainbowsparkle28 · 20/10/2024 09:44

SweetLimeSoda · 20/10/2024 08:50

It depends on how the parent behaves, not the child.

This.