Stepmum convinced my son to let her shave his hair—feeling upset

[Theritzcarlton]

DS12 has always had long hair that he loved. Over the weekend with his dad, his stepmum convinced him to let her shave it all off. He seemed unsure about it when he came home, and I wasn’t consulted.

I feel like this was a big change and should’ve involved a conversation with me. Am I overreacting, or should I bring it up with his dad and stepmum?

I wouldn't. Not if he isn't upset about it.
Hair grows back. It's not a big deal unless it's a big deal to him, iyswim.

Ultimately it's his hair. His choice, not yours.
As a SM I wouldn't have done this but unless it's part of a bigger picture of overstepping I would let it go.
Buy him a hat.

It just sounds like she coerced him into letting her do it a bit. And why would she want to do that anyway?

His hair his choice.
When you say 'shaved' do you mean a total 0 all over, or cut short?

Absolutely I would expect to be consulted. One hundred per cent. I would be angry. People don’t shave their long hair that they ‘love’. Is he a confident kid? As in, confident enough to stand up for himself?

No, there’s a little left. Probably a number 1 or 2 all over.

I wouldn’t say anything in front of your DS but I would certainly be having a word with his father about consulting you going forward. If this was a daughter instead of a son I doubt people would be so blasé about it. Obviously societally it is gendered for girls/women to not have a shaved head but your son loved his long hair and this sounds like he was pressured into it.

Do you think he felt pressured? Or is maybe a bit unhappy about how it looks now?

If DS was happy with it then it’s his hair his choice. What makes you think he was coerced into it?

I think he probably felt pressured and he was given stuff in return. I just don’t know why she’d want to do that? She has no boys and no hair cutting experience.

He's giving you a version of events possibly?
Perhaps he suspected you'd be miffed or upset so told you he felt pressurised.

His dad said it was her idea/she wanted to do it

Maybe she has weird ideas about boys with long hair being girly or something.

I'd be worried about school. Many schools don't allow shaved no 1's & 2's. It might be worth you going in to tell them that he was co-erced into it as he could end up in isolation.

I don't think you can asked to be consulted about a haircut, but you can raise concerns if you feel your son was bribed to do something he didn't want to do.

Mums don't need to be consulted about haircuts for 12 year olds whether boys or girls. As long as he wanted the cut then let it go.
My DSD similar age had absurdly long hair and I told her it needs a cut because she can't wash brush or style it herself. She wouldn't consider it until her mum had said it was ok. That's not normal for a child of that age - is his long hair something he actually liked or was he keeping it because you liked it??

Well, yeah, I'd be bloody furious.

bit of an extreme reaction though. Rather than just taking him to a hairdresser?

He's 12. Why should you be consulted? Hair regrows, and he is at an age where he can choose his own haircut. If he makes a mistake and lets someone cut off too much, then he will learn. Are you sure you are not just resentful towards his stepmother and are looking for a reason to kick off?

I have a 12 yr old boy. If his dad, or I, got an inkling to shave his head, the other one best be rubber stamping it!! Yes, his hair, his choice but this is about communication, respect and boundaries. I would not be happy with this and nor would DSs dad if I did it without him agreeing. A regular haircut, fine. Shaved head, no. Especially as it's from being long. I'd have had words with his dad already and clarified that this is not ok. I suspect they know they crossed a line.

Absolutely not her place to want to cut your Ds’s hair and persuade him.

I would be furious, as much about pressurising him to do make choices over his own body as about the hair length.

His Dad should have stepped in.

I would reassure Ds that he looks great, he’s given it a try and up to him now if she chooses to grow it again. Emphasise his hair his choice and if he is saying he was persuaded, say in future he will know to stand up for his choices over his own body / hair.

Is such short hair permitted at his school?

Is he happy with it now?

Could he have seemed unsure about it when he came home because he knew you wouldn't be happy?

It may only be hair but hair forms a large part of your appearance and often represents the personality of the child.

I think reasonable parents, even if divorced, would mention to the other if a 12-year old was about to have long hair shaved off to a number 1 or 2.

The stepmother was being very insensitive towards the OP, in my opinion.

What would everyone say if a daughter came home with her hair shaved off?

I would worry about school too. Boys who have long hair (DS does) choose that look. Bit extreme to go from long to shaved. Had he ever said he wanted to try that look before?