Stepmum convinced my son to let her shave his hair—feeling upset

[Theritzcarlton]

DS12 has always had long hair that he loved. Over the weekend with his dad, his stepmum convinced him to let her shave it all off. He seemed unsure about it when he came home, and I wasn’t consulted.

I feel like this was a big change and should’ve involved a conversation with me. Am I overreacting, or should I bring it up with his dad and stepmum?

No, he's 12 he's old enough to decide and he was with his Dad anyway.
Hair grows back, not the end of the world

No, or doesn't matter what hair type or colour. Boys can and do have a full range of styles. Because we don't tell people these days that their sex means they have to wear xyz or have certain hair cuts.
Please tell me you are not raising young children.

Exactly.

my daughter had long hair & wanted it cut short. The hairdresser made her do it in stages first. Long, to just above the shoulders to short

What was he given in return for having his hair cut? As that's the issue if there is one.

She shouldn't be bribing him to have his haircut, and his dad shouldn't be allowing her to.

Just be careful that is the full truth and not your DS letting you think it was her because he thinks you wouldn't be happy with him doing it.

YANBU - and yes, an adult can persuade a child to do something, especially if they feel obliged to (ie he worried his dad might think he was rude if he said No).
I’d try to persuade your son to stand up for himself and make it clear he’s not happy with the shaved head and doesn’t want step-mum to suggest anything similar again as he felt pressured into it.

It’s an unpleasant thing to do IMO. She overstepped - either through malice or through a complete lack of thought. She had no need to shave his hair off and he’d made no request for her to do so.

For all those saying that it’s just hair and it will grow back - yes, of course, it will, but it can still be upsetting, just like the vast majority of us would be upset if someone shaved all our hair off. Being told that it will grow back isn’t much consolation.

I’d be really fucked off if Ds was allowed by dh a terrible haircut that might get him teased or in trouble.

Frankly I would be furious. I think it’s a big step from long to very short hair and should have been discussed- between you and your ds. Then an appointment at the hairdressers. SM has massively overstepped the mark here

This makes me uncomfortable.

imagine if a step father pressurized a step daughter to change her appearance. It feels invasive and controlling.

talk to your son calmly - find out exactly what happened. Explain to his dad that you want to teach your son independence and bodily autonomy. You are worried he was pressured by this woman to change his appearance. Say you really don’t understand why his step mum did and why she felt so strongly about it.

it is quite strange.

Did he live his long hair or did he go along with you? Would you have let him cut it?
Most people used to long hair are unsure when they have it cut.
I'd let it go and see what he wants next time.

I remember this happening with my sister when we were kids. She went to stay withy Grandmother and Aunty for a week. She had long hair when she went, and Aunty took her to the hairdresser's.........
My Mum was livid.

I would be heartbroken. But agree say nothing, it will grow. Talk to DS about hair style going forward

I would be livid.

I would be perfectly happy with him doing it if he wanted to. It’s the fact that she told him she’d always wanted to do it to someone and managed to convince him to do it without even checking with me first. I’m not being a control freak but would prefer to know due to school rules etc.

If it happened how your son describes there is also a big red flag for the step mother that she didn’t respect his wishes. She put her feelings above his.

I would talk to your son about how to cope with her pressuring him like this. Explain this to your ex - this woman shouldn’t be pressurizing your son into doing anything. He doesn’t want to - unless it’s the dishes or homework. Does she parent him instead of his dad?

That sounds so fucked up it's not funny. He isn't a bloody hairdressing doll.

His concession would concern me, I'd want to build his confidence to say no to anyone. It's so important in the coming few years.

I'd be livid! My step mum permed my hair (1980's) it was dreadful, then she cut it too short - it was awful - I see pics still now and they're awful, I'd always had, and have had since, long flowing hair - I'd assume she had a streak of malice in there somewhere if your son was being coerced by her

I’d speak to his dad and say she is not to touch his hair again. Did his dad know she was going to shave his head? Think I’d be pretty bloody cross. It’s not up to her to persuade him .

Did she intend to shave it off, or mess up a 'hair cut' and had to clipper it off to rectify it? Hairdressers/ barbers make it look easy to do...it ain't!

She's massively overstepped. As a step mum I used to arrange the hair cuts but we only ever did a trim and always told mum.
Especially at that age

If dad was consulted by stepmum or his son, there was absolutely no reason to ask you.

your son has two parents. I bet you don’t ask his dad every time you take him for a haircut or make a decision.

I think you should focus on your son.... not step mum or you.

It sounds like he could have been persuaded similarly by a kid in school. If he's not bothered fine. But if he's not happy, maybe have a word with him about not saying yes to things he's not sure about..... and teach him (again) about his body/ his choice.... and standing up to pressure etc ...

It's a non issue in terms of the step mum. His dad was there. So if there is any issue then it's about the dad letting something happen that he should have consulted you about... but with a twelve year old's hair, I'm not sure you have rights to consultation.

My ex,father of DD1, let his then girlfriend cut my daughter’s hair when she was about 8. She was a hairdresser which made it worse because DD has hair that grows upwards at the front and can’t have a fringe as it just sticks straight up. The fringe was cut in and took about 2 years to grow back out!
Did I reasonably discuss it, no I shrieked out of the attic window into the street where she was. Not my best moment but it made her think twice 😂

Maybe he wanted his hair cut but felt you wouldn't allow him?

Where was his dad when this was happening?

This is nonsense. A child trying to navigate the dynamics of his parents relationships might be way more likely to be coerced into doing something he doesn't want to do by an adult who he believes has authority over him than a child at school. There is a very definite power imbalance here. And this is what makes this situation very uncomfortable.

The problem is that when you are co-parenting you have absolutely no control or power over what happens at his house unless you fear for the safety of your child. I,personally, would still bring it up with my ex and say "child didn't feel comfortable, he shouldn't have been bribed and hair and personal grooming is a parental responsibility that's out with SM responsibilities". Id then have a different conversation with my child about not having to do things that other adults tell him to do that make him feel uncomfortable. That no one is allowed to touch his hair or any other part of his body without his permission and that permission can not be bought.