Stepmum convinced my son to let her shave his hair—feeling upset

[Theritzcarlton]

DS12 has always had long hair that he loved. Over the weekend with his dad, his stepmum convinced him to let her shave it all off. He seemed unsure about it when he came home, and I wasn’t consulted.

I feel like this was a big change and should’ve involved a conversation with me. Am I overreacting, or should I bring it up with his dad and stepmum?

No, it sounds like she just felt like doing it and so convinced him. He’s a bit embarrassed about it and looks like a bit of an egg! But at the end of the day he did agree. It’s not like she tied him up.

Have you checked with school if he's allowed in with a 1 or 2 hair it? Many schools won't allow kids in with shaved heads like that. A 3 is often the minimum they will accept.

Yes you should have been consulted. I used to take and pay for my DSD to get her hair cut because her DMum didn’t want to but we always check in first and agreed DSD’a preferred style. It’s just respectful of your role as his mother.

She should have checked with you first. It's not her place to do something so drastic and I say that as a former step mum.

would you consult your ex if you were cutting your sons hair at yours? I doubt you would. So I don’t see why you should be consulted if it happened at theirs.

im sure she consulted her partner (your sons other parent) so there is no need to consult you. Your son is not your property.

it’s a hair cut, it will grow back and he’s not a 4 year old, he’s 12 and is old enough to say yes or no to a haircut.

My son is 13yrs and has been taking himself to the Barbar’s for at least the last two years, I never tell him what he should do hair wise. Most of his friends do the same thing and go by themselves.

I think it’s weird you’d all so involved in his hair, anyhow it will grow back to where it was if he doesn’t like it.

Ultimately, your son's Dad must have gone along with his wife cutting your son's hair? I'd have expected him to have stepped in, and told his wife no, if he'd disagreed. You need to have a quiet word with your ex and tell him your son felt pressured into having his long hair cut. You need to listen to what your ex says regarding the situation. It may be that your son was happy to go along with it but regretted his decision. Or he was pressurised. Or blamed his SM because he knew you'd be upset his hair had been cut. What is done, is done, his hair will grow back.

If we were separated I think I would have liked a heads up (excuse the pun) if such a drastic haircut was happening to DS. at that age.

Probably to stop him getting bullied at school.

@sorrythetruthhurts long hair on boys is much more acceptable now. Can't imagine many boys would get bullied for it, and it should be the bullies that need to change not the hair cut.

Under his dad’s roof his dad can agree without anyone consulting you. You’re equal parents.

I'd be annoyed but ultimately he was with his dad who has parental responsibility. Do you consult dad everytime before you take him for a hair cut or decisions of similar importance?

I don't think the OP has stated how long it is or what style it is, it depends on if he's getting mistaken for a girl from behind with long blonde locks vs a giant awesome looking afro.

If it’s a 1 or 2 all over then anybody can do it at home - you don’t need a hairdresser.

I think it’s up to the 12 yo (boy or girl) as long as the final result is allowed for school but it sounds like he didn’t want it cut really which is pretty crappy of the stepmother and your ex.

What makes you think he was being bullied at school?
In my experience children don't get bullied because they have long hair if they are confident about how they look. They get bullied because someone has spotted a weakness and they exploit it, it can be anything.
if a child is being bullied cutting their hair is not the answer and unlikely to make the slightest difference.

I think you are over reacting. Hair grows and it can be fun to experiment. My 12 year old DD has really fast growing hair and she has cut it short and also had a Bob and now has it down her back. Some girls in her class have never ever changed their hair as they are obsessed with the whole lovely long hair thing and they've had the same hair since she's known them at age 4 or 5. I get you are disappointed but it's only hair and it's fine to try something different.

I'm a stepmum and I would never do this! God forbid, I got in trouble with their mum if I did so much a as a plait in their hair. So left it all to DH in the end. But no, this is not OK whether he was coerced or went into it willingly.

He was with his dad.
Why are you blaming Step-mum?

I also think you're overreacting. Do you really, genuinely, hand on heart think that your 12 year old was coerced by a grown woman into cutting all his hair off? Have you had issues like this in the past, or is it just that this is so visual? If he's not happy with it, it doesn't mean he was coerced it could just mean now he's seen it, it's dawned on him he'd rather have kept it long. Or maybe he's seen your reaction and that's upset him.

Either way - what do you think you can do? No I don't think you should have been consulted, as I'm sure you wouldn't have consulted his father if the tables were turned.

It's just hair. It'll grow back. I can understand her wanting to have a go tbh - as a woman who has never had the gumption to cut all my own hair off, I can see how I might want to have a go on someone else's head while they were doing it!

I don't think this ok. I am concerned that he has indicated that he felt coerced and that she offered him a bribe. If a child really wants to do something they don't tend to need to bribed. As a step parent, it is not her place or responsibility to be involved in your child's personal grooming. That is a parental responsibility and if your ex wants to off load some of his parental responsibilities then he should be talking to you about this is the first instance so that you can decide if you want to take that responsibility on or if you are happy for his new partner to do it.

Ultimately his hair will grow and for now I'd talk to him and get a better understanding of how he feels about what happened.

I'm wondering if he's wanted to have his hair cut short but not wanted to tell you?

How did SM coerce him? Was Dad not present the whole weekend or for any of the conversation? Did Dad protest?

She offered him a bribe.

I find it hard to believe you would have consulted his dad over a haircut, and so you shouldn't expect the same back. It also seems you're largely making up the scenario where she "coerced him a bit."

I'd be furious and make it clear to both of them that's she's not to cut his hair in future, especially as she isn't a trained hairdresser.

My teen DS has long hair too and refuses to let me trim it even though I am trained and used to cut his hair from being a baby.

However, I respect his choices and have said he can do what he likes with his hair. If someone else 'persuaded' him to get it cut, I'd be having words!