Stepmum convinced my son to let her shave his hair—feeling upset

[Theritzcarlton]

DS12 has always had long hair that he loved. Over the weekend with his dad, his stepmum convinced him to let her shave it all off. He seemed unsure about it when he came home, and I wasn’t consulted.

I feel like this was a big change and should’ve involved a conversation with me. Am I overreacting, or should I bring it up with his dad and stepmum?

What did your DS get in return from SM?

Having been a step mum of children I was very close with I would never even think to do this. This was way over the line.

Lots of people saying it's nothing to do with the mother what hair style her son has, and I agree. However, it's got even less to do with the stepmother so not entirely sure why she would A) suggest it B) bribe him to do it and then C) actually cut it.

If the kid wanted his hair cutting then Dad/SM should have paid for him to go to the hairdressers to have it done. She's overstepping.

I think it’s overstepping. The bribery suggestion also makes me uncomfortable. As a mother of a son with long hair I do know that some people are wildly bothered by boys having long hair. As a step-mother also I would not be encouraging a drastic hair change. It’s not my place. I suspect more people would be outraged if it was a 12 yr old girl who went to her dads with long hair and came home with an amateur pixie cut.

Right and why didn't dad say no?

Your son is 12 he probably wanted to do it and dad for some reason is scared of saying yeah I let him do it and blaming his wife

She overstepped.
But his father’s answer is somehow worse. He should have stepped in!

@Theritzcarlton I think you also need a chat with your ds about doing things because you’ve been pressurised to do so.
This time it was his step mum. It could be an older child, one of his friends etc…
He needs to know it’s ok to say NO. And who to contact if he is being pressured like this.
A discussion around how coercing people is never ok might be good too. (Both if he is on the receiving end or he is the one doing it).

After that, it’s hair. It has the advantage to grow back again.
Talk to him on what sort of hairstyle he prefers and how its possible to navigate his way back to longer hair if he feels like it.

Be careful.I loved my ds's long hair for much longer than he did and he told me ages later that it took him ages to tell me he wanted it cut because he knew how much I liked it. Pretty sure if another adult in his life had offered to help him cut it, he would have jumped at the chance.

I'd definitely bring it up with his dad, ask to be consulted in future over something like this which involves a drastic (if reversible) change.

I think it's understandable that you feel upset and I do think it's overstepping the mark for a stepmum. However at your son's age I would expect him to say no if he didn't want to. I would let it go, his hair will grow - just tell him it's fine with you if it's what he wants.

This is not about you OP, but if she convinced him/ coerced him/ push him or whatever. She is out of order and I would be fuming.
If he really wanted to, then I would have to suck it up. But if she started it, why? It is none of her business!
I would talk to the father and her if my DC did not actually want this done. Make clear that this type of decisions are for the child to decide, and mother and father to evaluate and consent or not, or compromise or whatever. Not for the step mother.
Imagine tomorrow it is a tattoo, or piercing. These type of things, I would never do for a child, even if they beg without the parents knowing, ler alone without the child even asking. Just because hair grows back is not an excuse.

My 3 DSes had fairly long, surfy type haircuts when they were fashionable around 15 years ago. After my ExH left me, one weekend, he had all three boys hair cut into a short back and sides style. Tbh, the boys didn’t really care, but it was horrible when they came home. I pretended it looked great but it was quite upsetting. A sudden realisation that we weren’t on the same side anymore and it seemed like a bit of a power play. So I do get your feelings. ❤️

He may have only had it long as he thought that’s wot u liked, if he isn’t bothered just keep quiet.

Nope. Moms do need consulting fir a 12-year-old, with the dd or ds making the final decision. SM WAY overstepped!!

So you think she just wanted to do it for her own satisfaction?

They don't if dad has been asked

*for

@Guestfeatu
I meant to add, your comment about your SD "My DSD similar age had absurdly long hair and I told her it needs a cut because she can't wash brush or style it herself." just reeks of your negative opinion of long hair. I hope you were kinder with what you said to her. Kids often take disparaging comments to heart.

I'm really, really concerned about the people on here who think 12 year olds can't be coerced into doing things they don't really want to do.

Forget about her and talk about it with your son . If he’s ok with it fine but if he felt pressured and couldnt resist then you need to help him find strategies going forward to stand his ground .

Yeah I think the step mum was being a bitch. But it will grow again, but it does imply she doesn’t give a shit about your ds, just does what she wants to do

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This!

I wouldn't do that to my own son's long hair just like that! If he asked me out of the blue, I'd have him take a couple of days to make sure he was sure first (I've had spur of the moment haircuts, and tend to regret them)

Going from long to short hair like that (and I've done it myself as a young woman - and I loved it, but I took my time to think about it) is pretty drastic (and honestly, not something I'd do for winter - maybe in spring :D ) - let alone being bribed to do it.

Not that I'd say anything at all infront of your DS, I'd be cautiously positive about it, and keep an eye to see how he's doing. It might sound over dramatic, but it'll be a bit of a shock the first time he washes his hair or wakes up without any! So if he does seem a bit upset, I'd sympathise, whilst reminding him it'll grow back and he still looks lovely.

I would be interested to learn what your son accepted by way of the bribe that persuaded him to cut all his hair off when he didn't want to.

I agree as a step mum that this is way over the line and unacceptable but the reality is Dad and son allowed it albeit son with the "bribe". What was so attractive to him that made him agree?

Some people do weird stuff like this as a control thing. They want to take significant experiences away from the parent/s, just as a power play. You see it on here all the time- family members who take babies to get their first shoes without asking, others who buy outfits for special events and insist on the child wearing it.
I think this might backfire for her though, because your son is older. And although he got convinced into it, he doesn’t sound that happy about it, so it might damage his trust in her. His hair will grow back, and he won’t be convinced by her to cut it again.

It's not 1950, the cool crowd have buns now.

Op I am on the fence about the cut but pressure, coercion isn't healthy nor appropriate. That would be my issue.