Would you let 12 year old go to this party?

[ItWasOnlyMe]

Dd came home from school yesterday excitedly telling me about a Halloween party she's been invited to. It's at someone's house who I've never met. I wouldn't even know them if I walked past them in the street. They go to the same school, and same age. That's all I know.

Party isn't local either so if I was to let her go I'd either have to hang around an unknown area for 3 hours or drive combined for 2 hours. Night time too.

Initially I said no she can't go. Then dh came home and said she can and he will help with the driving. It's not just the driving that's worrying me though. It's a strangers house, with who knows how many people invited.

This is a ridiculous request for a 12 year old isn't it? I think it is, whereas dh thinks it's normal and she will be left out if she doesn't go.

It’s a Halloween party for a school friend, of course you let her go. She’s not at Primary School anymore, you aren’t going to know all her friends and you may never see their parents. She is growing up, let her have a social life.

I would let her go unless you have particular reasons to be worried. At secondary you won't know all the friends. I'd ask some questions about who is going etc but plan to let her go.

Did you send her to a further away school if the party is 30 mins away? I'd probably just drop and come home unless you can go for a meal in that area with DH or a friend.

Party is not the issue; driving might be but if DH will do it all ok. Make sure she has her phone. Is it somewhere you and DH can have a sneaky night out while she is at the party? Also she’s at secondary school now. You need to start letting go with safety rails in place (in this case, phone). Why is the party so far away? Are you v rural? We are, and this happens a lot. We do what we can to support children’s social lives.

Introduce yourself to the parents. Then they will be people you know

The school is close to us but the girl whose party it is, lives further away.

The thing is, I wouldn't consider her as a friend of dd. The only time dd has mentioned her name prior is to say that's she's been in trouble, or got in a fight.
Also, she seems to have invited anyone who wants to go. Popped a poster on social media and all welcome.

What if too many people turn up? That could be dangerous.

Then you go and pick her up again. I would just go and wait around nearby for a few hours if there’s nothing to do or go for a meal if somewhere close as PP suggested. We do boring things as parents so our children can do things they’re excited about.

Just let the kid go.

Well if you are round the corner then you can rescue her. I am afraid this is what parenting teens is like, lots of night driving and late pick-ups. Get a thermal mug and a good book.

Your update changes things a bit. An 'open house' party on social media is much more risky. I'd want to know if parents were going to be around but it will probably be hard to get this information.

Totally normal, That’s how parties work at this age.

What if too many people turn up? That could be dangerous.

This sounds like an anxiety disorder, op.

This is exactly it. Apologies, I should have mentioned it in my OP.

Yes, I do suffer from anxiety so things like this are hard for me to judge. Dh was allowed to do pretty much anything at this age so he sees no problems.

I have no idea if parents will be there.

Are their other friends that you DO know who are also going? Safety in numbers! Stick close by just in case.

I’m quite surprised everyone is saying yes to this. Not sure I would. If DD isn’t a close friend and the party is advertised on social media open to all then I’d need a lot more info re adult supervision. These ‘open to all’ parties can get out of hand.

It's a 12 year old's party what on earth are you expecting a rave with drink and drugs.

"too many people turn up" you are looking for any excuse.

Stop trying to spoil your child's fun and sort your own anxiety out

Are any of your dd friends going?
Do any of her friends live nearby?
Will parents be there?

I'd be ok with driving but I'd do earlier slot as it's your dh idea to let her go!

If she's in a group and parents are there I'd let her go.

You should definitely let her go - it would be selfish of you not to. You need to put your (unreasonable) worries aside.

Part of being a good parent is facilitating your child's independence as they get older. That might include things like putting yourself out once in a while to drive her to places so that she can socialise.

Apparently a few are but they have been known to let dd down last minute. I'd hate for her to get there and not know anyone.
Of course I could message the parents that day to confirm.

You and DH could share the drop off/pick up.
This is completely normal for a 12 year old,
she’s at secondary school, you won’t meet all her friends parents. She’s becoming independent and you need to help her with that.
I would work on getting over your anxiety rather than saying no to things that are perfectly reasonable.

Get the parents number and call one of them. Just say you are checking they are happy to have dd over. Thank them for inviting her. That will signal to them that you are a concerned parent. I got many calls from parents when their kids came over right up to about 16. Check with her regular friends parents to see if they are going. Then drive her there and STAY nearby. In the car if necessary or if there is a nice pub just buy a cold drink in a quiet corner. Make sure both phones are charged.
This will be the first of many.

This seems quite normal. I would maybe try stay in the area and go to a meal with DH or something. That way you can pick up early if needed. If it was a shorter drive then I would just go home. I wouldn’t worry about if too many people turn up, it’s not your house getting trashed!

A party of a girl who’s not a particular friend of your DD’s and gets in fights? No. I’d try to find something else for your DD to do for Halloween that appeals to her. It sounds like this girl invited everybody basically, assuming most won’t turn up so hoping that by inviting everybody she’ll get enough people there. Also, there’s often an element of showing off in invitations like this - Miss Beneficient scattering party invites left, right and centre, upping her social ranking.

I went to parties at that age but all were actual friends’ parties, and I think that’s the difference.

It depends what you mean by "an invitation on social media". Is it on a closed WhatsApp group for their class (totally normal way to distribute invitations) or is it on a public tiktok account?

Any sort of "open" invitation from a girl known for getting into fights - I'd be worried about sending my 12yo. My own 12yo is fairly clueless/naieve though tbh, others are probably more savvy.

I'd probably let her go, but I'd hang around nearby. And I'd be picking a 12yo up before 10pm, personally

Yes!! Unfortunately if a party is open to all there’s no way of controlling whether it’s just 12 year olds that turn up. Parties can and do get out of control. I’d definitely find out if it actually is ‘open to all’ and what supervision there is. And if she does go I’d make sure I was on standby to scoop her up early if needed.

Of course it's normal. She's at secondary.

Yes I'd let her go. Secondary school is a different beast, you rarely know the other parents or even the kids - I used to just hear names. I'd drop her and pick up, and suck it up. It's part of parenting.