Would you let 12 year old go to this party?

[ItWasOnlyMe]

Dd came home from school yesterday excitedly telling me about a Halloween party she's been invited to. It's at someone's house who I've never met. I wouldn't even know them if I walked past them in the street. They go to the same school, and same age. That's all I know.

Party isn't local either so if I was to let her go I'd either have to hang around an unknown area for 3 hours or drive combined for 2 hours. Night time too.

Initially I said no she can't go. Then dh came home and said she can and he will help with the driving. It's not just the driving that's worrying me though. It's a strangers house, with who knows how many people invited.

This is a ridiculous request for a 12 year old isn't it? I think it is, whereas dh thinks it's normal and she will be left out if she doesn't go.

This made me lol. Maybe not at 12 and I don't recall drugs, but by 13 I was certainly attending very large parties where friends would invite their own friends and so on and there was plenty of alcohol freely available with either no or drunk parents around who didn't care.

Tbh the only thing that would put me off is the open evening with social media ‘advert’.

After that,

• vaping: she clearly is in contact with it daily. If she had wanted to try, she’d have done it (or will) regardless.
• a new area: she has I imagine and will be in that situation at some point. Like all of us
• Party child gets into fights: that’s where having a bigger group is actually protective. Unless you are assuming all the people there will be that type?
• not knowing the family. That’s what comes with secondary school. Pretty normal I’m afraid and very different from primary school
• The driving is what would have put me off more than anything tbh!

The reality is that your dh will be close by. And your dd will have a phone. The likelihood of something serious happening is low imo.

To clarify, one of my issue with the big group is the fact it’s Halloween and im assuming they want to do the tour of houses in the area?

I can’t see people NDN being happy with a huge group going round like this.
For a party, if things aren’t good, she can just step out and call her dad.

I would ask for the parents number and ring and check they will be present. Let her go and say ring if any issues and you will pick her up and let her go.

I rang a parent recently when my 13 year old went over to check and they said how good it was. They said the amount of children that had been over and the parents didn't check surprised them. We had a good chat and when I dropped her off they invited me in.

I think a lot of people are being quite naive. It’s an open party with an open invite on social media. There could be kids of all ages there not just a bunch of 12 year olds. If they’ve been vaping a while then they’re probably ready to move onto drinking or smoking weed which is likely to be around. I would also have concerns. I have a 12 year old boy and I would let him go but i would give a lift to his friends to so he turned up in a group with them and I’d stay near by if needed and not let him stay all night. I don’t think your worries are silly op.

Take her but both you and your DH stay local. It's an opportunity for her to spread her wings and use her own judgement but the moment she feels worried you can be there in 5 minutes.
If this turns out to be the party of the year she'll have better social currency to have been there (which matters at 12) but you can completely support her by sharing your concerns (perhaps concentrate on fears it might get out of hand if it's been advertised on line etc) but let her know that you trust her to call you.

I wouldn't be happy but I would trust DDs judgement as she is very sensible.

I would drive her and then park further up the road. Get some snacks from the supermarket and a flask and download a film on my iPad and watch that whilst she was there. I'm always waiting for DD somewhere or other this is not something new.

I would have a conversation with her about my expectations of her, what to do if in a scenario she doesn't feel comfortable in. We would practise 'get out' phrases, and DD knows to WhatsApp me a particular emoji which means I'll ring her and say there's a family emergency and Im coming to pick her up, making me the bad guy not her.

Fortunately we've never had to put any of that into practise as she is autistic, hates groups of people she doesn't know and doesn't like loud music. She and her friends are more the board game night type.

I would let her go but would camp out in the car nearby. I wouldn’t drive back home. Maybe grab a quick bite somewhere. But I’ve done a lot of that when my DD was doing sports training so I’m used to it.

I'm usually pretty chilled when it comes to most things to do with the children, but I really wouldn't be comfortable with the open invite part of this. The rest I would be fine with

My 16 yo dd recently went to a party her friend had organised when her parents were off on holiday. Her older brother was upstairs and when there were too many gatecrashers he threw everyone out. Dd didn’t tell me about this beforehand. But her friend, who is local had her parents on standby to collect them. I wasn’t phased. But was pleased she had made a contingency plan and we collected her from the local friend’s house.

At 12 I would have been a lot less relaxed. It would probably be a no from me unless I could speak to / text the parents and was satisfied with the convo.

Agreed, I do think it's just the 'yes's' who got in early on the thread but actually I bet most parents wouldn't be comfortable with this and allow it without any sensible safe guarding.

I don't get why 11/12yos need to go to or hold these sorts of parties. I might consider reluctantly letting a 14yo go to them rather than condemning them to social suicide but surely at 12 there are still some kids whose idea of a social life is going bowling or for ice-cream after school, or having pizza at someone's house. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Of course you let her go. Take a book, or take DH and go to the pub for a few hours, or find a cinema.

I think this is where you start laying the foundations for what is to come.

Absolutely I would check in with the parents. If contact details are not forthcoming, it's a no.

Is it an older siblings party? Are the parents around? Will they be 'trick or treating'? It's not unreasonable to check with the parents at this age. I don't care how 'embarrassing' it is for the child.

I did a lot of taking and picking up. Groups of them. At all hours (I have 4 now young adults). Instilled that I would come any time any place, no judgement. Plus you get to know who they are hanging out with - and push home that no one gets left on their own.

It's rules for life. They're leaving home in the blink of an eye.

When you pick up, get there early and wait in the car. Watch what's going on. If they are hanging around outside, throwing up etc. it will inform future decisions.

My daughter was invited to a party when she was 13/14. It was an open invitation on social media. I dropped my daughter and her friends off and an hour later had a phone call from her to pick her up. The party had got out of hand, too many people had turned up and a neighbour had called the police who stopped the party. The girl's parents were out and probably didn't know anything about it.

I would be concerned if it's an open invite although this might not be true. See if you can speak to the parents beforehand.

How did the party go? IMO 12 is very young to be partying without adult supervision that you know and trust (since I knew plenty of creepy parents who gave their kids weed, meth, alcohol etc).

this seemed so simple to sort out by getting in contact with the kids parents and asking questions, maybe your husband could be a chaperone who makes himself scarce.

you could at least get to know them and maybe see if they are people who are comfortable with. Maybe you make some new friend.

If she wanted to go, I'd let her go. I'd park round the corner with a book and a Costa and enjoy the peace for a few hours. But as a mum of 4, I've spent a lifetime sat in my car waiting for kids and it doesn't bother me in the slightest