Would you let 12 year old go to this party?

[ItWasOnlyMe]

Dd came home from school yesterday excitedly telling me about a Halloween party she's been invited to. It's at someone's house who I've never met. I wouldn't even know them if I walked past them in the street. They go to the same school, and same age. That's all I know.

Party isn't local either so if I was to let her go I'd either have to hang around an unknown area for 3 hours or drive combined for 2 hours. Night time too.

Initially I said no she can't go. Then dh came home and said she can and he will help with the driving. It's not just the driving that's worrying me though. It's a strangers house, with who knows how many people invited.

This is a ridiculous request for a 12 year old isn't it? I think it is, whereas dh thinks it's normal and she will be left out if she doesn't go.

No I wouldn't let her go. 12 is still very young.

I'd let mine go, even with your bullet points. If your DD is relatively sensible then why not? She'll be armed with a phone, you can be nearby in case of issues and it'll be a great night for her.

I had a friend at secondary who was rarely allowed out to socialise and never to anything like this. She ended up being pretty wild when she finally got her freedom. Caveat: I know this is just one event and you might let her go to these sort of things when she's older.

She's at secondary school so of course you won't know the parents. 30 mins each way doesn't seem far to me, get used to it - I'm guessing she's not a a local school?

At 12 /13 my dd wasn’t allowed to go to parties unless I’d had some sort of contact from/with the parent. At the bare minimum you need to know that the parents are aware of what’s going on and will be at home (even if hiding upstairs!). Normally the parents send a group WhatsApp until the end of y8 IME. On one occasion I had heard nothing so I got dd to give the number and I phoned the parent, you can pretend you are phoning to thank them or ask for directions. I wouldn’t rely on texting- it could be another dc’s phone! No reasonable parent would object to hearing from you - if they do dd wouldn’t be going.

It is not appropriate for 12yo kids to have unsupervised/ open house parties - they are just at the stage where they feel terribly grown-up, and some look it, but don’t have the ability to assess risk or respond to emergencies or difficulties.

The ‘don’t you trust you child’ posts are very naive - did your parents always know what you were up to?
It doesn’t matter how good or sensible they are kids do silly and unpredictable things - that’s the point of adolescence!!

I've often thought the private school/middle school system where kids go off to senior school at 13/14 is much more sensible than starting them at 11, and certainly if the expectation is that senior school kids can just be dumped at parties without an assurance from the parents that the kids will be properly supervised.

I wonder if the party girls' parents are aware of the open invite 🤔 or is it all talk? Kids do like to exaggerate to appear "cool". I would find out more details first before definitely saying no. I would arrange for dd to go with another friend if she does go, so they get dropped off and picked up together, maybe for 2 hours? Then I'd go to a local mcdonalds or something (or shops near by, if open, for a browse) so I'm close to get them. I'd make sure she had a fully charged phone and rang me if there were any issues. I do understand, op. My son is 12, soon to be 13. They're at the age where they want to grow up, but they're still young as well. It's hard.

Well exactly. It is the point of adolescence so let them go and have fun!

It's not about not trusting her kid it's about not trusting the situation around them. Yes they have to learn from situations but it's down to parents to ensure those situations are age appropriate and the child would have the tools to deal with situations. The fact there are no contact details for the parents at that age would ring huge alarm bells for me. You don't have to know the parents but at least be able to have a conversation with them. It's not rocket science.

I would have major concerns. It would help if my DC was going with a group of trusted friends though.

You don’t know the family and they’ve given an open invite on social media?

I wouldn’t let mine go, I’m afraid. She may have much older siblings with older people and alcohol, etc.
Could she do something with her friends instead?

Not alone
Actually probably no, she's 12 not 15

I’m pretty chilled and I usually come on to threads like this to tell the OP to relax.

But in this case with your update about this girl having fights and getting into trouble I would be doing my best to steer my DD away from her. It’s a very impressionable age and the people she spends the next few years with at school and socially will have a huge impact on her.

I’ve got two DDs in their early 20s so have been through all this.

Are you friends with any of the other mums of invited kids? You could check with them - dds besties mum and I aren’t close friends or anything but we often check with each other on the girl’s movements. ‘Just checking you are happy that xx is sleeping at yours tonight’ etc.

Open/social media invitation from a girl your daughter doesn’t really know who has a reputation for fighting?
Hell no! And certainly not aged 12.

OP - please be reassured that it isn’t anxiety making you concerned about this - it’s common sense and experience!!

• open invite on social media

so you contact the parents or you drop off and hang around in the car near the house for a bit to get the feel of the party.

• high chance of vaping

you have to get used to that. Equip DD now to say no to peer pressure.

• party child gets into fights

how much do you actually know about this? rumour or fact? is she having daily physical scraps at school or the odd fall out with friends? 12 yos can be dramatic, they all fall out and can be verbally horrid to one another. get the full picture and prepare your DD for dealing with conflict.

• have no idea who the family are

again, get used to this. its not PS any more. or call/msg and introduce yourself.

• not local & unfamiliar area

is it an area known for crime or do you not want to drive there? this should not be a reason for a one off halloween party. maybe point out to your DD that you wont be driving her there every weekend.

Hmmmm I'm on the fence with this!

An "open" invitation on social media, was it to a large group on snap chat or a public post on Insta?

Personally I would offer to take DD and her friends and then wait nearby for 3 hours in the car. I probably wouldn't let her go without at least one good friend going with her as she doesn't really know the other girl.

We would agree a "safe" word she could text where I would know she wanted to leave immediately!! And would go and knock on the door to get her if she text it.

Let your children make decisions and learn to be streetwise is part of being a parent.

I remember once my DD (13) text me from a park one evening to tell me that some of the kids had alcohol and was I ok about it. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she wanted to stay. I drove to the park and just parked up and waited for her to call me to collect her.

Yes it's boring and cold, but it's giving your child a chance to make adult decisions but with you as a safety net.

I was always the parent that would pick her friends up even if it was out my way to make sure everyone was safe.

When DD had her 13th birthday she invited over 30-40 people from her school to our house. Only one kid's mum wanted my number to phone and text to ask me countless questions. I felt really sorry for her kid, who turned out to be as anxious and nervous as her mum.

It's a really fine line between helicopter parenting and neglect, especially with girls.

It's a bit like when they want to go to school on their own when you think they're too young. You let them go but unbeknown to them, follow at a safe distance!

It's difficult OP and you're going to having countess other worries as she hits her teens!

Hmm, knowing the parents is pretty important.

I once picked from a birthday party to find lots of pissed/clearly coked up adults who had turned it into a party of their own at the same time. Their night was clearly just kicking off at the time the kids were being picked up.

There wasn’t one sober and sensible adult there and they weren’t keeping track of the children at all.

My DD was about 11. There were adults in and out a hot tub with the children, loud music, alcohol flowing freely… it was pretty lively! This was a new friend of DDs at that time. My DD was a bit 😮

The adults seemed harmless enough but it wasn’t an environment I’d have put my child into if I’d known. It was in a really “nice” area as well, so you never can tell.

We did this when I was 14 and ended up with thousands of kinds of damage . I would check if the parents will be present

As a parent to 2 teenage daughters this kind of thing is going to become the norm. My eldest is 16 now, I know all of her friends well, I know where they live but I only know a small number of the parents and even the ones that I do it’s a wave or brief hello type relationship. The first couple of house parties my dds attended we just found a pub close by and had a meal. House parties really do just seem the norm with teens around here, there’s at least one a month, we put a cap on numbers when it’s our turn to host but some of their friends it’s open house/the more the merrier type thing. I’d let her go, stay close in case she needs you. I say all this as an anxious mum who used to be filled with what ifs! Now sometimes we get lucky and they are both at house parties at the same time (they are always sleepovers now) and we just enjoy 24 hours of non parenting, obviously my kids are older and the parties are well established.

It really wouldn't bother you if your 12 year old was at a party where there were drugs?
Wow.