Would you let 12 year old go to this party?

[ItWasOnlyMe]

Dd came home from school yesterday excitedly telling me about a Halloween party she's been invited to. It's at someone's house who I've never met. I wouldn't even know them if I walked past them in the street. They go to the same school, and same age. That's all I know.

Party isn't local either so if I was to let her go I'd either have to hang around an unknown area for 3 hours or drive combined for 2 hours. Night time too.

Initially I said no she can't go. Then dh came home and said she can and he will help with the driving. It's not just the driving that's worrying me though. It's a strangers house, with who knows how many people invited.

This is a ridiculous request for a 12 year old isn't it? I think it is, whereas dh thinks it's normal and she will be left out if she doesn't go.

I would let her go but talk to her about phoning you to pick her up if anything happens that makes her uncomfortable like drinking or vaping or a load of older kids turning up.
I have a 12 year old. Its young but things like that do happen in that age group.
Its about getting her to trust her instincts.

When I was in secondary school, Halloween parties/house parties at night always included alcohol.

This

Are the parents going to be there?
Are older children going to be there?
Parents are all so different in their rules, it's definitely possible a parent could decide that a 12 year old could host a party without much supervision.
I'd try and check it out before hand with the parents and hang around with your husband - maybe go for a drink close by so you are near in case your DD feels uncomfortable at any point & calls to get picked up.

The chronic anxiety makes me sad. What do you think is gonna happen? Worse case scenario? Pissed, high on acid, rampant sex? She gets there she knows no one she calls Dh who is driving 5 minutes away and he picks her up. And?
More likely she goes, has a ball, meets new people. The freedom and joy of a part at 12 is fab. And then Dh picks her up. Difference?

There will definitely be vaping. A surprising amount of children in dds year group vape. Very sad but true.

It was advertised openly, I don't even know what the area is like. I feel like literally anyone could turn up. In costume too so you won't always know who it is. ( I'm aware I sound incredibly anxious)

If only we could all see the world as perfectly as you do!

OP I completely understand your anxiety but I also sit in the camp that it would be a shame not to let her go as it could either be really fun or a learning experience for her. Can you stay close by, even if it means sitting in your car in a lay-by, give her a phone to contact you and trust her.

I'd speak to the parents first and take them in myself to check and adult was around.im surprised everyone's so casual about 12 year olds parties!

You can’t make a decision because you don’t have enough info. You want to protect your DD and I think your hesitancy is totally reasonable. But get more info. Don’t be afraid to ask the parents if they’ll be there; if there’s booze. Trust me there sometimes is even at 12yr old parties! I’ve 3 DDs, all been to plenty of parties but I’d need more info on this one as would my DDs . They wouldn’t want to put themselves in a tricky situation either.

Some people are being a bit naive here.
it wouldn’t be an outright no but I would definitely consider the fact that there might be alcohol and trouble if too many/the wrong people turn up.
I’d stay local and make sure dd knew to contact me if things weren’t going well.

An anxiety 'disorder'?

Really?

OP, you need to make contact with the parents to settle your mind. While she is now at secondary and will develop more independence, she is still only 12 and I would expect any parties to have a degree of adult oversight within the house, so check out what that seems to be before making your decision

I'm genuinely surprised that so many people would let their 12 year old go alone to an "open invite" party like this.

That said, it wouldn't be an automatic "no" but I would say she needs to go with a friend and that you will pick up and drop off. I would also arrange to go for dinner or something nearby so you're available if needed, rather than being an hour away at home.

You sound incredibly naive.

Lots of 12 year olds get exposed to exaclty those things in your post because there isnt enough adult oversight of their lives.

I really am shocked how many of you think this is totally fine.
Based on this info that I know would you honestly happily let your 12 year old go?

• open invite on social media
• high chance of vaping
• party child gets into fights
• have no idea who the family are
• not local & unfamiliar area

Just so I don't come across as an anxiety riddled and strict parent, dd does attend many events with her friends and I have no problems with that.

Offer to pick up her friends on the way there. Then you know she has friends going

If she lives that far away why not offer to drive DD and her friends together? Then she's not alone.

I think ask to speak with the parents. I’d also suggest getting friendly with DDs friends parents, you could then ask them if their kids going/what they think of it, and split driving for things like this.
with your update I don’t think YABU, my former neighbours DD had party (when her mum away, and she was staying at her fathers) , invited a handful of friends, someone shared details on thier facebook and the party was overrun with around 30 rough older lads, booze, knives, they smashed windows and wrecked house. Myself and neighbours were terrified and called police who took over 30 mins by which point the troublemakers had left. Teenage parties can easily get out of hand. I’d want to know they were supervised at this age

This! No way would I just let DD go. At the least I would want to eyeball the parents.

Your DD doesn’t even know this kid particularly well and the other ones have left her high and dry before. Do her a favour and put your foot down. This isn’t anxiety, it’s sensible parenting.

I'm surprised at how many people are saying this is fine at 12 years old.
They are barely out of primary school at 12.
I'd try to speak with the parents first if I could or certainly try to find out more information, but from what you have said I would be inclined to say no.
Look at all the threads on here saying don't let your child have what's app, or be in what's app groups in case they come across inappropriate content but they are happy to send their 12 year old to a party with an open invite of a child who is known for fighting and vaping. It's crazy!

She might be at secondary but she's still only twelve years old.

This is a party that's over an hour away, has an open invite on social media and is hosted by someone who regularly gets into a fights - would you really just say "ok darling, of course you can go!" and not worry in the slightest?

I don't think I would let my child go to an Open Invite party.

But they do go to friends houses where we don't know the parents. And ill be having a few over for a Halloween party as well, but DDs gave a limited number of guests each!

It would be a no from me at 12.

Based on the sort of parties I went to at this age I would be cautious.
I looked older than my age and it was never just one age group who turned up at an open party, so more mature guys would make a move. Got into some uncomfortable situations.
If you let her go, make sure she goes with a friend and please stay nearby.

Half an hour away is nothing. Having said that I was a teenager living in a rural area so everything was at least half an hour away including the local supermarket. I'd suggest in this case though seeing you're worried, maybe have a meal with dh at a local restaurant or a soft drink (for the driver) at a local bar so you're available if needed