Would you let 12 year old go to this party?

[ItWasOnlyMe]

Dd came home from school yesterday excitedly telling me about a Halloween party she's been invited to. It's at someone's house who I've never met. I wouldn't even know them if I walked past them in the street. They go to the same school, and same age. That's all I know.

Party isn't local either so if I was to let her go I'd either have to hang around an unknown area for 3 hours or drive combined for 2 hours. Night time too.

Initially I said no she can't go. Then dh came home and said she can and he will help with the driving. It's not just the driving that's worrying me though. It's a strangers house, with who knows how many people invited.

This is a ridiculous request for a 12 year old isn't it? I think it is, whereas dh thinks it's normal and she will be left out if she doesn't go.

I would check the parents are there and have a quick conversation with them when you drop her off.

I would let my 12 year old go to a party when I hadn’t met the parents, but not in the sort of circumstances you outline in your second post.

You’ve not said if the party girls parents will be there or not?

You've certainly made your case much stronger with this post 🙄

I started out thinking OP was over-protective till I read that it was an open-invitation party. I would have to wonder if the hosting child's parents even know, as that seems to me an invitation to get your house invaded and trashed. OP, can you find a way to contact them to check what safeguards there are?

My family don’t celebrate Halloween anyway so this situation wouldn’t have arisen for us when mine were that age.

On the general concept of attending a party at 12 I would be happier if we knew the people in whose home the party was going to be. Get their number and phone them for a wee chat, clarifying what their plans for the evening are. If you decide to take her I would see if it’s possible for her to go with another trusted good friend and come home together too, obviously you and/ or the friend’s parents doing the lifts. And give her a way of contacting you if they want to leave early.

If I were you, I’d combine dropping her off with something for you and DH. Find a nearby pub and have a walk before going for a bite to eat. I’d stay local so I could pick her up early if she requested it but I would make an effort to get her there.

I would probably let her go for 2 hours and she would have to keep in touch with me through text. I wouldn't be feeling all that comfortable about her going but it's part of growing up and making new friends and 12 is around the age you start sussing things out for yourself ( with a bit of help).

Just seen the open invite element. Mine wouldn’t be going.

My child is at a school where a lot of people live some distance away so 30mins+ for a party is normal. We usually team up with another parent so one of us drops them off and the other picks up.

So if too many people go you'll be in your car ready to go get her, what's the issue

I'm really surprised by how many people have said they would let their 12 year old kids go to this. There is a lot of difference between a Y8 kid at secondary and a Y11. This would ring alarm bells for me too op. Are you able to speak to her friend's parents, the ones who may or may not go? See what their feelings are.

Don't let everyone guilt you with this you are being over anxious rubbish. I hate seeing this on here. We have to risk assess for kids of this age and start to loosen the ties slowly, not assume the day they start secondary school they all miraculously get this gift of common sense. Of course she should go to parties etc but any sensible parent would make a judgement to keep their kids safe. It's called parenting.

I think you should facilitate her going to the party with all the safeguards that others have suggested.
It is a tricky transition and risk is inevitably involved, and will be for the next few years. Managing risk will become part of daily life.
I have 3 adult DDs and know this scenario well. There is a balance to be struck here ... if you get too anxious and restrictive they will either become rebellious or over-anxious themselves.

I have a very socially confident, independent 12-year-old DD. There’s no way she’d be going to this.

I remember what I was up to at 12. So no, I wouldn't let them go if it were me.

Is she Y7 or Y8? My DD is one month into Y7 and just turned 12 this week. I can’t really imagine agreeing to something like this just yet.

I'd let her go, because this is the start of her trying to make her own friendships and way. If you were able to stay close by- you and DH go for a meal out or something? Then she can text you if it's not all it's cracked up to be. Concerns about vaping/ drinking, etc- you don't need to worry about if they are founded or not and she will (hopefully) be invited to future parties- where it will be happening for definite. I would make sure she knows she's fully supported to leave whenever she needs, but give her the chance to interact with her peers.

DD wouldn’t be going unless I had spoken to the parents, via phone call, not messaging a random number that I am told is one of the parents, to check that they would be there.

No it doesn’t…
At 13 I was invited to a party that got really out of hand ( no parents on premises)
Thankfully it was down road from
where we lived.

Much older teens turned up and the party holder’s parents house got trashed ( Millions pound house in good area) but once invites go viral- anything can happen.

@ItWasOnlyMe I understand your reticence especially with an open invitation on social media.

Give over with the 'chronic anxiety' posts. 12 year old goes to party in an unfamiliar place that's advertised on social media. Any decent parent would have concerns about this. Let her go but be around and have a pick up time. If it looks 'lairy' then remove her.

No not at 12 in those circumstances. I wouldn't think twice about saying no because it's an open party advertised on social media. The other factors worry me less and I'd try to find a way of makin it work if it were a private event.

It sounds like you’re not going to let her go, which honestly is really sad for both of you. This is the sort of thing she’ll remember and resent in adulthood. It’s so rubbish being the one left out.

I know it’s hard but you should try your best start loosening the grip now, because this is just the very beginning of how much things are going to change.

@ItWasOnlyMe

"see the world as perfectly", I don't see it that way.

@soupfiend : "You sound incredibly naive. "
I don't think I am. I've taken ds1 and ds2 to a lot of parties. Never had any problems. Admittedly both mine were 12 a long time ago.

I would say only take DD if you take her & friends so she’s not alone. I would definitely be cautious about this. The only bit I’d be uncomfortable with is it being advertised to all on social media. 30min drive to something is not uncommon. At 12 you don’t know the friends parents. It’s very diff to when they are in primary. Also their friends can change quite quickly.

You were never gonna let her go anyway, so why post? Seriously. What are you trying to ascertain here? What's the point?

Depends if you trust dd. Which you clearly don't.

I trusted my ds's. It there was drugs or vaping it wouldn't bother me. Even if my ds's did try vaping at a party, why would I be concerned. We all have to try these things once. I wouldn't be concerned that they'd take it up long term.

So. What are you planning on doing, now, op, post thread?