Would you be happy with a stranger giving your DC a lift?

[friendsofatune]

12 year old, Year 7.

School is on the edge of nearby village. Bus turned up and drove off without stopping, despite him standing there

Woman saw what happened when getting in her car, asked if he was okay (he was crying), and said she would drive him

Journey was 5/6 minutes long. About 50/60 minutes if walking it.

Is this overstepping the mark and scary behaviour that a complete stranger would do this?

Are 12 year old lads not allowed to be sensitive and emotional??

Jesus.

I would never ignore a child who was distressed but I don't think I would suggest they get in my car. I think it's even more concerning that a 12 year old would get into a stranger's car and I would be horrified if it was my child.

I'm sad at the people asking why your ds was crying. He's 12 ffs, in the first few weeks of senior school and was scared/worried that he'd missed the bus in a rural area.

My 12yo would probably do the same. I live in a rural area and see a young primary child walking 1/2 hour to school, he has to cross a bigger road and it's often raining. I wish I could give him a lift but don't want to scare him.

It’s always a bit disconcerting when you feel so at odds with the majority of posts on a thread, but I completely agree with your son’s judgment. A woman who has a toddler present, who has just seen an older child miss a bus in the rain and start crying, has offered help. The chances of her being a psycho killer who seized her opportunity are virtually zero. Yes women do get involved in child abduction or abuse but in very low numbers.

I’m shocked so many people think she did the wrong thing. I agree you’re right to discuss your sons thinking and concerns about accepting lifts from strangers, but having discussed it, I think there’s nothing wrong with him taking this lift.

Difficult - but if I saw a child in distress I’d want to help - I’d have given him my phone if he didn’t have one/asked him to call him mum to agree I could give him a lift though (given car reg/photo of ID etc). Done it once before.

would never just pop a kid in my car without checking though. I am sure she meant well but if she’s not done safeguarding training she might simply not have known. The issue is to make sure your son knows not to do it again and to call you next time.

The car driver did nothing wrong in wanting to help but DS should have said no unless they'd have been in more danger than not going with the good samaritan.

Child did call mum and mum didn't answer though - would you leave them at the side of the road because you didn't get permission?

I mean, he’s probably right. The likelihood of being kidnapped by a woman with a baby in the car is probably almost zero. I guess his chances of being hit by a car on the 50 minute walk home are much higher. However, it’s something nobody wants their children using their discretion on.

And who happened to be lucky enough to stumble upon a child in distress needing a lift! Like seriously, how do some people function in the world with this little understanding of risk. She was a decent person, he got home OK, end of drama.

I would be pleased someone helped my child!

Yes she could’ve been a murderer/pissed/child abuser/kidnapper etc. but what are the chances of dropping on some raging lunatic?! We must remember, most women are actually decent. The chances of dropping on a murderer are low.

When they couldn't get you on the phone, did you want her to leave him crying on the side of the road with a 50 minute walk on the road? Pedestrians are 20% of victims in road traffic accidents.

I think I would have to stop and check on the child.

My 12 year old fell off her bike and refused a lift but a neighbour I didn't really know tracked down my number to tell me what had happened. I really appreciated her offering to help my dd and for letting me know.

Nope, in that scenario - I’d get child to take pic of my car/reg and my driving licence and text them to mum before giving them a lift. I’d want the child to understand that getting in a car with a stranger can be dangerous and that they need to take precautions. When putting drunk friends in cars in my single days, I always took cab licence number and car reg and made sure driver knew I had their details (mini cab rapes were a thing back then).

It’s about up-skilling them to make sensible decisions, without putting the fear of god in them. Most people are kind and harmless. Kids shouldn’t be afraid of the world, just cautiously sensible.

This.
I think your son assessed the risk and actually made a safe decision.
Most people want to help.
He came to no harm.

It's a really sorry state of affairs that a mum and toddler are considered a risk.

Sounds like she was trying to be kind. She probably didn't give it much thought at the time, beyond "distressed child, I can help", and she might have only realised much later that she had put him in a position of having made a poor judgement. Anyway, no harm done.

The real concern is that he accepted the lift. I used to drill it into dd that she wasn't allowed to accept a lift from anybody without my prior permission, whether she knew them or not, unless they were on the very short list of adults on my "safe list" who might be asked to help in an emergency.

Your ds needs a clear plan B for what to do if the bus doesn't come or doesn't stop so that he is less vulnerable when this kind of thing happens in future. His judgement clearly isn't up to much yet, so he needs clear unambiguous steps that he can follow.

I think the lady was lovely and trying to help and I would have helped in that situation. I think the reasoning that the lady had a toddler in the car was sensible - I don't want my children growing up fearing everyone and thinking danger is everywhere so I want them to use their own judgment as age appropriate.

For those saying the woman should have known better - how would she have felt, if she’d ignored the boy, because she didn’t want to put him in an awkward position by offering a lift, and he’d been subsequently picked up by somebody less well-intentioned?

The rule of ‘don’t approach children you don’t know, ever’ is rather a double-edged sword, if your intentions are good. In some awful cases, I’m sure parents wish that a benign stranger (and most are) had approached the child first.

Agree with this.

In this instance he was right, as it happens.

Trouble is, 12 year olds aren’t capable of judging well enough to decide which strangers are safe and which aren’t - and the consequences of going with an unsafe one are unspeakable.

So we have to teach them a blanket rule of No Strangers Ever, even if 99.99% will be fine.

I don’t think the woman did wrong to offer though. Your beef should be with your son who accepted.

12 year old me would've got in the car with the woman and her toddler.

Adult me would be freaked the fuck out if my 12 year old (if i had one) came home and told me they had got in a car with a strange lady, child in the back or not.

Luckily nothing bad happened. Just have a talk with your DS about getting into cars with strangers.

The killer in The Changeling always took a child with him to make him seem safe to get in the car with. True story. Am sure many others. And what about the 'woman' who offered the girl a lift up in Scotland and took her home to rape, not long ago. Plenty of scare stories out there.

The changeling being based on the aforementioned murders from 100 years ago.
And the case in Scotland wasn't a woman, nor did they have a toddler.

The vast majority of people are safe. I like his reasoning about the mum and toddler. I’d offer a lift myself in that situation, would probably try to contact the parent first.

why are we so scared all the time? Our neighbour wouldn’t accept a ride from us for her kids even though we’ve lived next door for a decade and have similar aged children. They’d rather drive to the exact same place we are going to/from at the same time than car pool. Bonkers

I've been in that situation as a kid and taken the lift and I have had similar conversations with my DC over other scenarios. Bottom line, it's about assessing risk and problem solving. He didn't know what to do and he trusted his gut that she was ok. Most people are. With mine, I went through the options they hadn't thought about, and how they could have made the situation safer. Imo your job as a parent is to build their problem solving and risk assessment skills, not undermine their judgements and coping.

I think you should have talked about what he'd do in this situation beforehand, so he had 2 or 3 backup plans ready to go.(Call someone else, go back to school, call local taxi etc etc)

Tbh, he assessed the risk as best he could and made a choice. Statistically, it would probably have been more dangerous for him to walk down (rural?) roads in the pouring rain by himself for an hour with traffic etc. However, we're all far more tuned in to (very rare) stranger danger, then to the (more common) danger of cars. Because most of us drive or cross roads every day and don't think about it.

Between the only 2 options he thought he had, he assessed the risk and chose the statistically safer option, but it's the option that as adults we find more scary.

So I think the answer is, make sure he has more than 2 options next time. Keep helping him assess risk (as he did. Would he have got in a van with a single older man? I'm guessing not!). But be wary of scaring him off all strangers altogether. At some point all of us may need the help of a stranger.

I am surprised nobody has mentioned the risk to the mother and her toddler of picking up an unknown person. Those who say they would also assist an upset child, where would you draw the line? I'm guessing teenage girls are probably seen as safe but maybe not a teenage boy. Someone in school uniform probably OK?