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Original poster

Neighbours not speaking because of DHs illness

106 replies

pestowithwalnuts · 03/10/2024 15:05

Sorry forthe long title..I didn't know how to word it.
DH has terminal cancer. He's 69.
I told the neighbours both sides when we got the diagnoses
The neighbours on one side haven't spoken to us since May when I told them.
We were out in the garden earlier and I called over the fence to the wife..and just looked at me with an embarrsed look on her face and didn't speak.
DH noticed and asked what was wrong.
I can only think that some people find it difficult to handle other people's troubles..like cancer.
I know some people will cross the road to avoid speaking to friends who have had a bereavement or tragic news.
I know some people can't handle this sort of thing but it's upset DH..and me.
We are going through enough without the shitty odd couple next door
Do you mumsnetters think I'm getting it all wrong here ?

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 15:07

OP you have much bigger concerns

Don’t give this any thought

Maddy70 · 03/10/2024 15:09

They didn't know what to say so are avoiding you

You are giving it too much headspace

CulturalNomad · 03/10/2024 15:14

There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour! What the Hell is wrong with these people?!

I'm in a similar situation. My neighbor of 25+ years has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer with a grim prognosis. We've never socialized but have always been on friendly terms. My husband and I have offered to help in any way we can and try to offer support (without being intrusive).

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Try to ignore these rude and emotionally constipated neighbors. Take care.

SleepyTerrier · 03/10/2024 15:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn due to privacy concerns

GlassHeart1 · 03/10/2024 15:23

My ds is disabled and friendly neighbours instantly stopped being friendly (years ago) as soon as they realized he was different. And it's still like that.

HeddaGarbled · 03/10/2024 15:24

Some people are really good at handling these sorts of situations but a lot of people just don’t know what to say. There’s about one thread on here a month being cross about the “wrong” things that people say. Sometimes people are so frightened of saying the “wrong” thing, they don’t say anything at all.

No, it’s not great. But I don’t think it makes them bad people - just out of their depth.

NewGreenDuck · 03/10/2024 15:29

I'm sorry to say that people often don't know what to say under these circumstances so they say nothing at all. When my friend was diagnosed with cancer she said, ' well I'm the same person I was yesterday, so we' ll just carry on as we used to'. So we did, we talked about the same things, had a good moan about the state of the world and had a good laugh!
Don't give them any head space. Other people will just talk to you normally, but these can't.
Sending a hug. 🤗

Original poster
pestowithwalnuts · 03/10/2024 15:30

GlassHeart1 · 03/10/2024 15:23

My ds is disabled and friendly neighbours instantly stopped being friendly (years ago) as soon as they realized he was different. And it's still like that.

I'm so sorry that you are having to put up with this .
It's hard to understand how people can really really be like this. I am absolutely the opposite. I would make a point of speaking and engaging. You girls have put me right..it's not me..it's them.

OP posts:
Willowgirls · 03/10/2024 15:36

Our first child was born sleeping the number of friends I lost because of it.
People crossing the road so they didn't have to speak.

Concentrate on your lives they are not worth bothering with.

Cyclebabble · 03/10/2024 15:43

DH went down with early dementia. I have seen "friends" cross the street at distance rather than speak to us. I understand (to a very limited extent) that people find illness tough to talk about and deal with. Generally though when you are in this position you find out much more out people's character than you would probably like to know. It hurts but the best advice is just to get on with it.

DoIWantTo · 03/10/2024 15:44

Why did you tell them, were you particularly close before? If not she’s probably taken a step back because she doesn’t want to support someone she’s not close to.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 15:45

How close were you before?

HighPrecisionGhosts · 03/10/2024 15:47

I think that this is really sad if you've always got along with your neighbours and had chats.

I think I've always been lucky and lived near people who would chat, ask how things are, offer to get some shopping etc.

I guess they've got their reasons. Just ignore them, coentrate on you and your DH and those who are supporting you.

Lincoln24 · 03/10/2024 15:48

HeddaGarbled · 03/10/2024 15:24

Some people are really good at handling these sorts of situations but a lot of people just don’t know what to say. There’s about one thread on here a month being cross about the “wrong” things that people say. Sometimes people are so frightened of saying the “wrong” thing, they don’t say anything at all.

No, it’s not great. But I don’t think it makes them bad people - just out of their depth.

Sorry but I don't agree with this, there's no "situation" for them to handle, it's just saying good morning. It's rude and pathetic of them. But yes OP you're overthinking, it's their problem, just ignore them.

Gochestergo717 · 03/10/2024 15:51

GlassHeart1 · 03/10/2024 15:23

My ds is disabled and friendly neighbours instantly stopped being friendly (years ago) as soon as they realized he was different. And it's still like that.

I’m so sorry Glassheart1 that’s so awful 😢

What is wrong with people?

I think the most depressing tv programme I ever watched was a documentary by Rosa Monckton on how people with disabilities were targeted by bullies and petty criminals, and received really nasty abuse on the streets.

They featured actual cases. A blind woman being insulted and shouted at by complete strangers. A woman with a severely disabled son who relied heavily on her specially adapted car, having the car’s tyres regularly let down by vandals on their estate.

How people can be so mindlessly cruel I just don’t know.

Op I’m really sorry that your neighbours are so pathetic!

If you don’t know what to say, all people have to say is exactly that! “I don’t know what to say but I am sorry you are going through this, is there something specific I can do to help?”

When someone died far too young in our close family, we had several quite blatant incidences of people crossing the road to avoid us. As their discomfort at having an awkward conversation is obviously worse than losing a husband to suicide!

I know people have their own difficulties and stuff going on but honestly you don’t need to do much, just say “hello”’ and “I’m sorry”.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/10/2024 15:59

This is so common it’s unbelievable - until it happens to
you!
My parents lived in the same home for many years it was shocking the amount of people who blanked my mum when she had terminal cancer. I have a vivid memory of her being in her wheelchair going to the car and shouting hello to someone and waving and they walked straight past.
Same happened with my dad.
BUT there were a core of people - neighbours and friends - who were just fantastic. My dad had a really young couple living next door for a while and they used to pop in and watch ‘Friends’ with him. Or invite him into their garden for a cuppa.
Over time the worthwhile will show themselves.
As for the people who can’t you have to feel sad for them really - they are so scared of life, really.
They will only understand how awful it is when it happens to them.
Just FYI when the rude neighbour who ignored my mum went past she said to me…
No wonder she ignored me, she looks bloody awful, is she ill or something?
Which was brilliant.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers OP. Keep the valuable people close to you.

Boobygravy · 03/10/2024 16:07

So sorry op.

A girl from school had a dd born with v. complex needs. We weren’t particularly close.
Dd died when she was 3.
I saw girl in the supermarket and went over to say sorry for her dd’s passing ask how she was and also how dd’s little brother was.
She was so grateful, she said so many people blanked her or crossed the road to avoid her.
What is wrong with people?

Reugny · 03/10/2024 16:07

DoIWantTo · 03/10/2024 15:44

Why did you tell them, were you particularly close before? If not she’s probably taken a step back because she doesn’t want to support someone she’s not close to.

They could try:

"Good morning"

"Good afternoon"

If they don't want to do anything.

Boobygravy · 03/10/2024 16:09

DoIWantTo · 03/10/2024 15:44

Why did you tell them, were you particularly close before? If not she’s probably taken a step back because she doesn’t want to support someone she’s not close to.

Saying hello, how are you doing is not really mega support is it?

isthereaway · 03/10/2024 16:10

OP, I am so sorry to hear of your Dh's diagnosis. Very hard for both of you.
I wish you well in the time left to you x

@SleepyTerrier thank you for your post. I found it helpful to read. My Ds was seriously ill in heart failure earlier a few weeks ago. I live in a tiny village. He has lived here since he was 2. Not a single person asked after him, including the 'family' GP who practises 5 yards across the road. No 'reason' why they should but it is so sad, when the smallest kind word might lift spirits for a bit.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2024 16:13

isthereaway · 03/10/2024 16:10

OP, I am so sorry to hear of your Dh's diagnosis. Very hard for both of you.
I wish you well in the time left to you x

@SleepyTerrier thank you for your post. I found it helpful to read. My Ds was seriously ill in heart failure earlier a few weeks ago. I live in a tiny village. He has lived here since he was 2. Not a single person asked after him, including the 'family' GP who practises 5 yards across the road. No 'reason' why they should but it is so sad, when the smallest kind word might lift spirits for a bit.

I cannot comprehend this. There is no excuse/reason. None

How is he/are you all now?

MatildaTheCat · 03/10/2024 16:17

When my DF had dementia his entire friendship group such as it was fell away. He would have loved some male company for half an hour.

My own best friend died completely unexpectedly recently. It has been an absolutely awful time but virtually nobody talks about her. After the first time of saying how sorry they are it’s business as usual. One not very close friend I met recently gave me a huge hug and asked about my friend and the bereavement for some time. I was so, so grateful.

I didn’t know what to say has to be the worst excuse in the entire world.

SleepyTerrier · 03/10/2024 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Ilovecashews · 03/10/2024 16:18

bollox to people not knowing what to say as an excuse of appalling behaviour. How about hello.
OP, I’ve been there, lost so many friends, it just shows they are not worth my time.
let them do their thing, miserable gits.

Lazyladydaisy · 03/10/2024 16:18

It's awful, but as others have said very common.
My dad was given a terminal diagnosis, some friends stepped up, others disappeared completely. Now they use the excuse they couldn't face it, it was too sad but that doesn't wash with me. They left when he needed them.
I'm so sorry.

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