Neighbours not speaking because of DHs illness

[pestowithwalnuts]

Sorry forthe long title..I didn't know how to word it.
DH has terminal cancer. He's 69.
I told the neighbours both sides when we got the diagnoses
The neighbours on one side haven't spoken to us since May when I told them.
We were out in the garden earlier and I called over the fence to the wife..and just looked at me with an embarrsed look on her face and didn't speak.
DH noticed and asked what was wrong.
I can only think that some people find it difficult to handle other people's troubles..like cancer.
I know some people will cross the road to avoid speaking to friends who have had a bereavement or tragic news.
I know some people can't handle this sort of thing but it's upset DH..and me.
We are going through enough without the shitty odd couple next door
Do you mumsnetters think I'm getting it all wrong here ?

DH noticed and asked what was wrong.

What was their response?

Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Firstly, so sorry to hear of your DH's diagnosis, that is really, really tough for both of you. Regarding your neighbour, I think they are behaving appallingly. I don't want to make an excuse for them, but perhaps it's just that they don't know what to say. Don't give them any headspace, they are not worth it.

The older I am getting the more I see this kind of behaviour is not uncommon. I remember when my Dad died and a neighbour hugged my mother and she said what an impact just that genuine hug had made to her after others had completely ignored her. I really do not understand so many humans anymore. A simple hello does not take much nor does it imply commitment for anything going forward. So sorry for the situation you find yourselves in. People can be so incredibly mean. 😥

I am so very sorry, OP.

As PP say, this is not uncommon. I learnt this during my own devastating tragedy.

OTOH some surprising people were lovely. I hope this happens for you, also

I read a article in The Telegraph today about a man in his 20s dying from a brain tumour. All his friends have dropped him. Apparently it is so common it has name Cancer Ghosting.
I hope you are getting support from other people.

Iv got the opposite happening to me since getting my cancer diagnosis

My dn on the right having not really spoken a lot over the years. We’ve had spats about my trees which I trimmed.

we chat when we a
bump into each either leaving our respective houses or coming back home.

yet she is the one who messages me and asks if there’s anything I need doing and telling me she’s there for me if ever needed.
if she’s going away she’ll dm me to say that she’s not going to be around for a few days or whatever.

I get on well with all my dns and we still chat as normal but it’s this neighbour who’ve really shown herself in a good light. I can tell you it’s really appreciated.

So who knows op what goes on in people’s minds. They are a constant surprise. The ones you think will pull out all the stops are the ones that could let you down.

I think it’s often because they don’t know what to say or are afraid they’ll say the wrong thing causing embarrassment.

Please try not to let it bother you, and think positive thoughts. You all need to be positive now. 💐

OP I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I think what it amounts to is that when faced with the terminal illness and the eventual passing away of someone they know, some people just don’t know what to say or do. I had similar when my DH passed away a few years ago - people who we’d considered good friends just blanked us, and me after I was bereaved. I think a big part of it is fear. Acknowledging the situation that you and your DH are in now, brings it home that one day they are going to be in that situation themselves - it’s unavoidable.

I’ve been in your situation and it’s heartbreaking. I can do little but send you a virtual hug, and hope that you have the support you need elsewhere.💐

Call them out directly and ask if there is an issue.

It's shit, and I can't believe people are defending it.
I also don't think it's fair to say the OP has bigger problems. It's quite common when going through grief and trauma that you feel raw and incredibly sensitive, and it's the little things that can either be incredibly comforting or incredibly hurtful. Everything is magnified.

May I offer an alternative perspective? This may come from living in London, where neighbours are sometimes less like part of your village and more seemingly deliberately difficult...
Do you know both sets of neighbours well? Are the other ones supportive?
Were they aware your husband was ill before his diagnosis?
I ask because I would be rather taken aback if a neighbour told me such news if I was only really on 'small talk ' terms.
Perhaps this has triggered them in some way...maybe one of them, or a relative has experienced cancer.
As others have said, it would be nice if they could be supportive, but everyone reacts to the c word in a different way.
Try not to let this distract you; your DH and those that love you are all that matter

well, I spoke to a neighbour and his partner , even for his time on earth left, he had lung cancer and smoked also. I spoke to him about my prayers and he accepted that very happily, he loved prayers and was not an atheist. But if I spoke to you like that, would you be happy or be making a thread about that big mouthed woman with her prayers

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if repeating.

it’s a relatively common thing - so much so that some people have coined the term ‘cancer ghosting’

it sucks that some people are so awkward / have such poor social skills that they can’t even summon a ‘sorry to hear your bad news’ and then carry on being polite as usual…

sending you grit OP.

I’m sorry for your situation OP in future ignore them.

You are the rude one. Shame you have no manners.

Quite friendly.They came to parties at our house. Helped us out with treasure hunts for our granddaughter..

So now I'm thinking...maybe I'm too much of a blabber mouth.
I was so upset when we got the diagnosis that I just couldn't keep quite about it.

Maybe it's my fault then

It's because they don't want to be involved. Or think they may be asked to do something to help . They are self centred. Mum found this out with neighbours she had helped out over the years . When dad became ill they distanced themselves. In fact neighbours who she was only on booking terms with were better mannered.

Those people who cross the road are selfish. They don't want to deal with it . We are know what to say . If you don't then you can just carry on as normal . Sorry to be blunt but that's my take .

Incredibly common. So sorry to hear. What about addressing it directly with them. Go round and knock on their door and either say directly to them or put a note through the door. ‘I notice you are a little cool with me - is there anything amiss / have I done something to offend?’ Then they know you have seen what is going on and you will also have done what you can to put things back on a normal footing (even if it’s not your responsibility). All the best to you and your DH.

• Sorry meant nodding terms

@pestowithwalnuts you are not a blabbermouth and it is not your fault. Don't think that for a single second. They are selfish and total emotional cowards.

Iv heard say.' in times like this you realise who your friends are '
And this is certainly true.
Lots of loving messages and kind offers of help.
Even from the dental receptionist when I had to cancel DHS appointment because he was having chemo.
Amid all this consideration thoughtfulness and care ..I think I can overlook two ignorant arseholes

I have a black sense of humour (so I hope you won't be offended) with two medics in the family. If they upset you again tell them 'Fred' is going in his beloved garden like Mary in new tricks.
My late mother said she'd jump out on anyone that hurt me. It still makes me chuckle and I sometimes feel her strength. People are strange and sometimes they're lovely x

No, no, no, it's not your fault. It's theirs, they are rude and unkind.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis. It is awful to live with, I wish you both the strength to deal with it as well as you possibly can and I hope you have support from elsewhere.

I'm so sorry about your husband. To me, this is the flip side of the many 'what not to say to someone with cancer' articles that are increasingly prevalent.

None of us are born knowing the right things to say to people going through dreadful life events. And when so many things can cause upset or offence, it might seem easier to avoid conversation at all. Maybe your neighbour is just inconsiderate but also, could be worried about getting it wrong.

OP I’m sorry to hear about your husband.

I lost my longtime significant other to a devastating cancer in our early twenties. It almost destroyed me.

My experience is that people are extremely odd about loss and cancer. They have no idea what to say but instead of saying that they just avoid talking to you entirely. I lost one very good friend during that time because she just didn’t speak to me or check in after I told her. She told a mutual friend than she didn’t know how to ‘deal with me’.

thinking of you and your family on the journey ahead x

We're not good at death, we with our British stiff upper lips, are we?