Neighbours not speaking because of DHs illness

[pestowithwalnuts]

Sorry forthe long title..I didn't know how to word it.
DH has terminal cancer. He's 69.
I told the neighbours both sides when we got the diagnoses
The neighbours on one side haven't spoken to us since May when I told them.
We were out in the garden earlier and I called over the fence to the wife..and just looked at me with an embarrsed look on her face and didn't speak.
DH noticed and asked what was wrong.
I can only think that some people find it difficult to handle other people's troubles..like cancer.
I know some people will cross the road to avoid speaking to friends who have had a bereavement or tragic news.
I know some people can't handle this sort of thing but it's upset DH..and me.
We are going through enough without the shitty odd couple next door
Do you mumsnetters think I'm getting it all wrong here ?

This happened to a friend of mine when her DH passed away. It was the time she needed most support. They are all back on track now but only as my friend forgave when they needed help after time had passed.

Goodness when my daughter got admitted for pneumonia, i literally could not believe the amount of people that sent food, cards, offered to help with my other child, transport etc etc. This wasn’t family. This was friends, neighbours, school acquaintances

Oh I so agree with this. I keep reading time and again that "people just don't know what to say". What utter bullshit. The average adult knows perfectly well that completely blanking someone is rude, pathetic and totally unnecessary. It isn't because the poor things don't know what to say, it's because they're frightened to bloody death they'll be dragged in to help with something, like hospital appointments. Or even worse, having do things for the widow afterwards.

They sound like shit-bags. Better off without shit-bags in your life!

thank you @Nanny0gg Thank you @SleepyTerrier x

It is obviously not a rare thing. It is sad though. As others have said, a simple cheery 'hello' is a way of being / feeling seen, & that can be really precious.

Yes, someone I thought was an extremely close friend never spoke to me again after I told them I had breast cancer. It was very strange and upsetting, and it took me some time to get over it. We were so close.

It isn't because the poor things don't know what to say, it's because they're frightened to bloody death they'll be dragged in to help with something, like hospital appointments. Or even worse, having do things for the widow afterwards

And also they're scared to death that it could happen to them. Absolutely no excuse, but some people are scared shitless when reminded of their own mortality.

What an attitude. The irony of you saying you'd ignore someone trying to speak to you because it's rude!

People don't know what to say. Sometimes they think you're going to ask them for help and they don't want to give it. A lot of people are phobic about cancer and terrified by terminal illness and try to distance themselves as far as they can. My mum's brother did the same when she was diagnosed. As others have said, try not to let it upset you (though sometimes focusing on the small upsets does distract from the huge one!). I hope your life is full of other people who are giving you the kindness and support you deserve.

This thread has made me so sad. What is wrong with people??! OP and other posters - I am so sorry for the way "friends" and "neighbiurs" have treated you. Wishing you peace and strength.

I think people are petrified of serious illness so any reminder means they avoid. It’s shit honestly, my DD died and peoples reactions were often very weird. Your neighbours are very rude.

There is a fab hospice near me, they have a day centre where people can go along for coffee, crafts and chats. Depending on how much he can manage is there anything like that near you?

All the best to you and your DH say hi to him from me. Do some nice small things like get nice food delivered and watch films you both love.

Some people are freaked out by death, serious illness, disability etc. I think their default way of coping is just to pretend it isn't real.

I lost a baby boy late in pregnancy which was devastating but I had an older child and so had to keep getting out and about. A shocking amount of people totally ignored me/pretended not to see me. Some even crossed the road to avoid me.

I was grateful to the folk who did say something, even though some of the trite expressions were annoying, especially "these things happen for a reason" grrr. But I still felt that saying the wrong thing was better than saying nothing. I felt contagious! Not what you need in the middle of shock and grief.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

It sounds like they're too socially awkward / lack the emotional intelligence to know what to say / do in this situation.

It's horrible that people behave like this and despite it being the least of your problems you're absolutely allowed to be upset by it. Sometimes when you're going through hell it's things like this that are the straw that breaks the camel's back.

My best friend of 20 years never spoke to me again after my DH died 9 years ago.
Some people are cunts.

How have the other neighbours behaved?

I read a newspaper story today titled Cancer Ghosting - a 27 year old man whose friends have ghosted him - he can pass away anytime and his friends ghosted him quite early on.

Shame on these people - their parents should have taught them when your end is nigh it's only you and your conscience - do they want their callous behaviour haunting them when they are on their own death beds?!

They’re wankers and you should pretend they don’t exist from now on. Sorry for all you and DH are going through. If I was your neighbour I’d be checking in on you and letting you know I’m here.

They sound weak and pathetic OP, there’s nothing wrong with expecting a friendly word or two from neighbours in your time of need! My neighbour discovered she had a terminal illness at the start of lockdown, I found out when I popped round to get a parcel so I went shopping for her and prepared food for her cats (she did have help at home) and went in to see her until she passed away. We weren’t friends but we were friendly. That’s just what you do!

If you read the first post you can see that OP had an over the fence speaking relationship with her neighbours.

So if they don't what to say to her it doesn't stop them treating them like a human being.

Why is it rude to talk to neighbours over the fence?

Our whole street must be rude.

Hello OP.
People are weird but you don't have to be. Just carry on, say good morning and look after yourself and your DH.
My brother died young last year and 50% of my friends ignored it.
I believe our family never leave us, they walk beside us. I find it comforting.

If they don’t want to catch their neighbour’s eye over the fence they should get a bigger fence. When we moved to our place we replaced our fence one side with a tall one for privacy. The neighbour on the other side didn’t want that to so we still have to see them. I’d never blank them though!! Even though it’s not my choice to have a low fence. A simple smile/good morning suffices. Sometimes a how are you.

It's so sadly common isn't it. My darling best friend died at 35 of a brain tumour. She lost a very close previous friend who she had previously travelled the world with because she couldn't handle it. She tried over and over to reach out to her and she made excuse after excuse.

She died in May and I got a message from FB off this friend asking me if it was pain free and she felt so awful they had 'drifted apart'. I did message back some sympathy but also making it clear that they hadn't drifted at all and our friend, and me to be honest, needed her.

I'm so sorry about your DH. Your neighbours sound horrible. 💐

I'm sorry OP. So many people are incredibly shitty. It's depressing. I've experienced it with my illness too.

I agree with PP people don't want to be called upon for anything, they don't want to help, not even in a small way.