Neighbours not speaking because of DHs illness

[pestowithwalnuts]

Sorry forthe long title..I didn't know how to word it.
DH has terminal cancer. He's 69.
I told the neighbours both sides when we got the diagnoses
The neighbours on one side haven't spoken to us since May when I told them.
We were out in the garden earlier and I called over the fence to the wife..and just looked at me with an embarrsed look on her face and didn't speak.
DH noticed and asked what was wrong.
I can only think that some people find it difficult to handle other people's troubles..like cancer.
I know some people will cross the road to avoid speaking to friends who have had a bereavement or tragic news.
I know some people can't handle this sort of thing but it's upset DH..and me.
We are going through enough without the shitty odd couple next door
Do you mumsnetters think I'm getting it all wrong here ?

My family has lived in our house for nearly 30 years. With the same neighbours. After my husband died one of our neighbours crossed the road to avoid me. The other side were and still are great. It hurt at the time but I don't let it bother me now
Wishing you all the best x

That's shitty behaviour from them op.

But are you sure she heard you? I ask because I often wear noise cancelling earphones to listen to an audio book when I'm out at the bins or hanging washing and I can't hear anything, there's been a few times I've completely ignored my neighbour as I didn't hear her talking to me through the fence as I and ear buds in. I only know as my dp heard it all from upstairs, she must think I'm very rude.

I’m sorry OP, it’s so hard without other people just making it harder. You definitely find out who are your real friends. I’ve unfortunately had cancer and my husband now has a progressive neurological condition and I again have lost ‘friends’. I think people think that they’ll catch the illness or misfortune if they get too close.

But we do like to talk to our neighbours over the garden fence 😃

Sounds bonkers. I am not surprised its on your mind, must be uncomfortable.

I am so sorry to read this. I will never understand how pathetic people are that they haven't the humanity to greet a person they have discovered has cancer. At least you know not to waste precious time on them. It's not you, it's them. They are shrivelled shells of people, fuck 'em.

That's horrible. What is wrong with the world?

It’s not your fault OP. I went through the same thing with my DH. There was a stage when I would tell anyone who would listen, because talking about it made me feel less alone with it. If they’ve previously been friendly, then their treatment of you both is unforgivable. We’re not good at talking about the prospect of death in this country OP. It’s a part of life and yet we don’t discuss it until we’re presented with the prospect in one form or another. And when we are it brings up uncomfortable thoughts of our own mortality - so I think it’s probably rooted in the fear that they will perhaps one day have to endure what you’re going through now. That’s no excuse, but I honestly wouldn’t waste any more time on them. Make the most of things with family and friends who care and will support you. Sending all the good vibes I can to you and your family.

I had the same thing. A couple myself and DH were really close to blanked me after his funeral and I noticed that invitations to different social events tailed off because they were mostly couples. Some people are just uncomfortable with having a widow in their social circle - it upsets the balance, and if you’re youngish and still attractive you’re seen as a threat. Sad but true.

Quite shocking that grown adults act this way. Focus on your family and making your days with DH as good as can be.

A version of this has also happened to me so I really just wanted to give my sympathies - no advice, it's absolutely shit

You really learn who your friends are... and who they aren't. I lost my partner (older two DC's dad) to a brain tumour. My social circle changed- I lost some friends, but thankfully also gained some wonderful new ones.

I am sorry your neighbours are being so useless and rude. And I am sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis. Wishing you both all the best.

You are not alone OP as you can see from the responses here, it happened to us to when DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am sorry you are experiencing it too

What shocking behaviour, they should be ashamed of themselves. You have enough to worry about, so try not to give them a second thought and take whatever support you are offered elsewhere OP. Sending a huge hug to you x

Since my DH was diagnosed with dementia, our friendship group has shrunk considerably. People he thought of as close friends never contact him and only one calls to see him. The thing is, he's perfectly capable of enjoying their company but may not remember it afterwards. It makes me sad to realise how shallow people are and how superficial our friendships can be.

It is awful people ignoring you.My dad,who has died so feel I can say,was one of those people.
he once told me cancer was catching!
I told him he was being stupid,there’d be no nurses or drs left if that was true,but he still wouldn’t go and see his friend of 40 years.Nothing would change his mind.
I am not a bit like him.Ill say I don’t know what to say,life is sh.t at times.

They weren't friends

Both of these. Absolutely.
Nothing makes you feel more mortal than hearing someone else's bad news.

However it shows your moral stamina if you turn round and say, I'm so sorry, what can I do to help. Actually giving help though, rare as Hens teeth.

When you told them OP, what was their response then?

When my 91 year old DGM was diagnosed with cancer, she asked the dr if it was safe to see the family! Some old myth was obviously around in their day.

Yes they don’t know what to say - such a shame they can’t wish you well and offer support (I’m sure they will feel bad about their behaviour). Just ignore it, their awkwardness shouldn’t add to your stress.
A cancer diagnosis tells you who your real friends are. Some friends avoid you because they don’t know what to say and it gets worse the longer they don’t say it. Some acquaintances can surprise you by seeking you out and offering friendly support.
Been there but lucky it wasn’t terminal.
I don’t know you but I’m thinking of you.

What is wrong with all these people ignoring those who are ill, avoiding people with disabilities. What a bunch of spineless pricks. I don't subscribe to the view that we let them off because they feel a bit awkward and don't know what to say, they are selfish and rude. It doesn't take much to be civil and say hello to people over a garden fence.

I am sorry to hear about your dh's diagnosis and that your dick head neighbours are now making you feel excluded as well. Please try to put them out of mind....don't do what I would do which is loudly hold a sarcastic one sided conversation with them to highlight their rudeness. "Morning Jean" "Oh, morning Linda, how's Bob doing?" Oh, you know, ups and downs but today's a good day and we're going to enjoy the sunshine in the garden" "That sounds like a lovely plan, why don't you both come over for a cuppa later" "Yes please that would be lovely, so nice for Bob to still be able to socialise with people, did you know some people have suddenly started ignoring us since his diagnosis, what's that all about?"

OP don’t waste your precious time and energy doing this

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP 💐

One of my best friends of over 40 years, had terminal cancer and passed away in April.

She said to me many times how many people she ‘thought’ were friends, went with radio silence after her diagnosis.

From seeing others posts on here who’ve experienced the same thing, it seems it’s quite common.

I’ve never understood it myself. I just carried on speaking to my friend the same way I always did. She was still the same person! Baffles me why others struggle to do the same.

As my friend said ‘fuck em’. Don’t give them any more time or headspace. It’s hurtful I know, but they’ve shown you who they are and they’re no longer worth your time or effort.

Bad Bad Bad neighbours they should be ashamed of themselves, someone needs help and you can give it, then help, but hey maybe that just me, personally I would be checking in and offering to see if the anything I could do, not adding to your worries, Cancer ain't like some conditions out there you can't catch it, but hey did 26 years red cross, so maybe I am just built that way.